Restore Your Manhood

DETROIT – The H2 Hummer emits 3.5 metric tons of carbon per year (about the equivalent of two cars) and gets a whopping ten miles to the gallon.


On the bright side, the H2’s gross weight is over 8,500 lbs., which means that the US government does not require it to meet federal fuel efficiency regulations. Additionally, the government tax incentives for buying a Hummer vastly outweigh even those for buying an electric car (although GM killed their EV1 years ago).


So why does the government want you to buy a Hummer? A recent Johns Hopkins study found that the average penis size of an adult U.S. citizen is 1.8 inches less than that of a European. Upon the results of this discovery, a government commissioned survey on extension success found that Hummer drivers report an increase in penis size immediately after driving off the lot in their new utility vehicle. The amount of penis size increase is relative to whether the driver decides on a H1, H2, or H3, but the reports average around the 1.5-inch mark. A handful of H1 owners surveyed reported a 15-inch increase, but these figures were dismissed due to lack of evidence.


The Bush administration worked tirelessly with the Worried Americans National Group, or WANG, to find this loophole and incentive so that more Americans could purchase the GM produced vehicle. General Motors has also invested millions into their “Crush Everything!” and “Restore the Balance (you tofu-eating pussy)” marketing campaigns.


Unfortunately, the effects of the vehicle seem to be reversed when the owner sells the automobile. But the Hummer has also been successful in helping cellulite-stricken soccer moms feel young, sexy, and independent again.


GM has recently been looking to branch out, and the company has been eyeing the Asian market where penis size is at an all time low. For the most part, the African countries seem relatively untouchable, but these nations could not afford the $150,000 price tag anyway.


As Hummer sales increase, General Motors’ new environmentally-based advertising campaign will begin next year. The new slogans, “What Are You, a Hippie or Something?” and “Fuck It, You’ll Be Dead In 40 Years Anyway,” are expected to attract, and help, many more American men.



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