Poor TV Broadcasts Lead To Rash Of Injuries In NFL

“PHILADELPHIA – Further inquiry conducted by the Lush For Life investigative staff has revealed new startling answers to the cause of the recent knee injury sustained by Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb on November 19. McNabb sustained a complete tear to his medial collateral ligament – an injury that will require eight to twelve months of rehabilitation – while engaged in a seemingly harmless rollout pass play during the Eagles week 11 matchup with the Tennessee Titans. After the completion of the play, McNabb fell to the ground on the Titans’ sidelines wincing in pain, and upon further review of the routine play, the cause of the injury was unknown.

Examination of game tape of McNabb’s injury by Lush For Life investigators revealed loose, jagged pixels scattered across the grass of Lincoln Financial Field, caused by the poor, low-definition television broadcast used by FOX Sports. These pixels, according to Philadelphia Eagles team physician Peter DeLuca, are the cause of McNabb’s recent horrific injury.

“”He didn’t plant his foot awkwardly of shift his weight abnormally,”” DeLuca said to Lush For Life correspondent and NFL insider Rob Johnson. “”I won’t know for sure until we cut him open, but I think that low-def shit has something to do with this.””

Though FOX offers high definition broadcasts of NFL games on a weekly basis, some games are still broadcast in the standard 480i resolution. Having such poor quality, according to Samsung technical representative Sin-Blah Park, can cause more problems than once originally perceived.

“”Having so little lines of resolution is a dangerous thing in today’s digital world,”” Park said to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks. “”I twisted my ankle just last week while giving a speech at a conference in Orlando. I’ll never be caught in low-def again.””

Since the discovery, a team of NFL Films technicians has begun a detailed investigation into previous injuries sustained by players in the past. During the past ten days, hundreds of hours of archived game footage have been studied, and the studies have resulted in several findings.

According to NFL Films CEO Steve Sabol, several previous injuries that were once thought to be physical are now believed to be caused by low-definition broadcasts. ‘Our team has uncovered what we now believe is the major cause of injury to players in the NFL,’ Sabol said to Rob Johnson. ‘We plan on filming all of our future jobs in high definition; the only hope is that all the networks follow our lead.’

Some previous injuries believed to be a result of low-definition pixels includes the career-ending injuries sustained by former Denver Broncos lineman Mark Schlereth, Tampa Bay Buccaneers lineman Marcus Jones, current Kansas City Chiefs running back Priest Holmes, and Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Theisman.

Former Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor, who ended Theisman’s career by snapping his leg in half during a tackle, offered his comment. ‘It is a huge relief,’ Taylor said to Arthur Rocks, ‘I’ve been carrying that guilt over my head for years, and to know that it wasn’t my fault will help me finally kick my out-of-control cocaine and meth habit.’

Though many more man hours involving digital reconstruction and restoration of old game tape will be required, the NFL in determined to get to the bottom of the issue.



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