Polonium-210 Poisoning No Political Plot

LONDON – The ambassador of Japan to Great Britain, Mr. Guijin Kusai, came to confess all at the London headquarters of Lush For Life. Kusai looked like an agitated octopus as he floundered about the reception area while he waited to be sent up to my office on the 52nd floor. I stood up as Kusai was ushered in by my secretary. I went to shake his hand, but the volume of sweat dripping from his hands made me think twice. I bowed, offered him a seat and a towel instead.

“So, tell me, Mr. Kusai, to what do I owe the honour of such an auspicious guest in my humble office?”

“I just had to tell someone, I can’t rive with the guilt any ronger. There was no poison prot to kill that Russian spy Arexander Ritvinenko. No kill squad was sent by Moscow or any rogue erement in the Lussian Secret Service. Lumours that he set himself up as a martyr in order to make Putin rook guilty are also a red helling. It’s all been a huge mistake, and now my honour is on the rine; you have to help me.”

I raised my eyebrows just slightly, pressed the record button on my Dictaphone I had in my pocket, and made a mental note to cancel the game of squash I had lined up with Prince Harry.

“As you know, there just aren’t that many fish reft in the Atrantic Ocean. The ones your fishing freets are catching are so small they wouldn’t satisfy my cat’s appetite. On top of that, those blonde-haired, blue-eyed devils from Sweden and Denmark keep stearing your fish and there is not a damn thing you can do about it.

“Fish have become a valuable commodity since sushi became so popurar in Rondon. The sushi restaurants of Soho have become a battleglound. Yakuza owned sushi bars have been stearing shipments of fish from one another, waging a war of underhand sneakiness that even an American poritician would be impressed. This all got out of hand as such things do, especially when Japanese honour is concerned.

“Somehow, the Yakuza got hold of some poronium-210 and poisoned the fish at their rival’s sushi bar. This may seem a rittle out of proportion to the crime, but then again, we Japanese don’t rike to do things in small measures; Akiramenai, as we say in Japan. We just don’t know how to quit. It just so happened that they poisoned an ex-Lussian spy and now all hell has bloken roose.”

I went to my liquor cabinet and poured myself a glass of single malt. I handed another glass to my guest. I made another mental note to cancel dinner at my favourite sushi restaurant in Soho and book into the steak house next door instead, but it was just not going to be a good day for eating anything too rare or bloody.

“So what can I do for you in this interesting time?”

“I am here to tell you my stoly so you can splead the truth before I carry out the orders of my superiors. Now that you know of the terrible deeds committed by my countrymen on your soil, I must saclifice myself to purge their dishonour.”

I must admit that my first thought when seeing Kusai draw his katana from beneath his coat was that I would never be able to get the blood out of the new cream carpet that had only been laid the week before. Kusai looked up into the middle distance and recited his death poem, Ippo Machigau To! (One False Step? The Sword!) before plunging his sword into is belly, committing sepuku.

I sighed again, finished my whiskey in a gulp, hit the intercom, and spoke to my secretary.

“Charlotte, Mr. Kusai has had a little accident. Could you be a dear and call the cleaners in, and if you could also give the carpet fitters a call, that would be great. I will be down at The Club for the rest of the day so, if you could, transfer all my calls.”

Comments

comments

Tags: ,

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro

crackberry

This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]