Mount Hood Hikers Kidnapped By Santa

“MOUNT RIVER, OR – Three hikers that were alleged to have been stranded on Oregon’s tallest mountain, Mount Hood, have been located working at Santa’ Sweatshop at the North Pole.

Pacific Northwest Correspondent W.E.B. Dubois cracked the story earlier tonight as he was investigating allegations of a child pornography ring centered at the Pole.

In my attempts to get to the bottom of this vile story of underage lust and debauchery, a much more interesting, nay, important tale of greed, racism, and hellish slave conditions that affect every man to his core reared its disgusting head.


It appears that Kris Kringle, Saint Nick, Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Jesus’ Excuse – whatever it is he is calling himself these days – is running the most despicable slave labor ring I have seen since George Washington’s forced-labor marijuana encampments.


Last night, as I was doing surveillance outside one of the seedier sex dens in Santa’s Kitchen, I saw light from yonder window break. I could see three grown men beckoning to me for help.


They introduced themselves as Jerry Cooke, Kelly James, and Brian Hall.


I immediately recognized their names as porn stars from an awesome S & M video from Amsterdam entitled Tie My Dick in a Knot, You Fat Whore, but they were quick to correct me.


They were actually only in Tie My Dick in a Knot, You Fat Whore 2: The Taste of Ass.


Apparently, they were hikers filming a new gay porno, tentatively called Gay Cowboys in Bondage: High Altitude Cum Shot Olympics 27, when a fat man in a red suit and hat corralled them and kidnapped them to work in a slave hovel at the North Pole.

I attempted to alert the White House of Santa’s slave factory and schedule a rescue of the men, but my T-Mobile Razr cell phone could not get service.


I only hope this does not reach you too late. I am cold and hungry, and I haven’t banged a white chick in at least a week.



LushForLife immediately forwarded the preceding transcript to Henry Kissinger, and a carpet-bombing of the North Pole is scheduled for next Monday, the day Jesus was born.



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