Divorcée Tries To Overcome Void, Buys Cat

“WESLEY CHAPEL, FL – 42 year-old Renee Knowles, a recent divorcee, purchased an orange tabby cat yesterday in an attempt to stave off what Knowles described as “”the emptiness that is my [her] life””.

According to Ms. Knowles, who currently works as a salon technician at Fantastic Sam’s, the divorce proceedings separating her from husband Solomon “”Big Sally”” Knowles were protracted and lengthy, owing to the fact that she refused to sign the paperwork for eight months in an attempt to salvage their waning relationship.

“”I was just hoping and praying and crossing my fingers, all at the same time, it seemed,”” Ms. Knowles said. “”I told Sally, ‘you can have your other women, you can have your cards and your drink.’ And you know what? He left me anyways! Yeah, I was one of those modern wives, the kind that reads People and sees the stars with their ‘open-marriages’, and I thought maybe one of those could work with simple, humble Sally and I, but the truth is, it didn’t. We’re not stars, and we will never be…””

Ms. Knowles said that before marrying, she’d known Mr. Knowles had a well-earned reputation for being a womanizer and champion arm-wrestler, but “”it was that rebelliousness that kind of drew me to him.””

“”He just kind of had that look – kind of like an older, hairier, sweatier version of James Dean, with an unbuttoned electrician’s shirt, low enough so that I could see his chest hair and his gold chain,”” Knowles explained, eyeing her wedding ring.

“”Look, it’s real cubic zirconium. I swear. Sally got it for me on the shopping network, isn’t that sweet?””

During the interview, Ms. Knowles continued to refer to Mr. Knowles as her husband, addressing him by his first name.

Ms. Knowles does not intend to change her name back to her maiden name.

’I’ll always be his wife – always.’

Although Mr. Knowles told our correspondent that he’d no intention of returning to ‘that crazed, manipulative, bitch’ as a husband, he did say that he’d consider living with her, if evicted from his trailer.

’Shit happens, what can I say?’ Knowles said. ‘It’s not like I want to live there, or that I love her or anything like that. It’s Renee’s fault that she got her heart broken – she knew I was untamable to begin with’

Mr. Knowles then growled, only before coughing into a dirty rag.

’You see, this is exactly why I left,’ he said. ‘That marriage, that domesticity shit, I knew it’d kill me’

Ms. Knowles, who now cradles her cat, Snookums, around her apartment in a custom-made shoulder sling remains optimistic.

’I mean, I know he’ll come back. I know my Sally. He has to. He has no car, no job, no money, so it’s almost like he’s kind of stuck, in a way’

Asked what he thought of Snookums, Mr. Knowles said he disagreed with Ms. Knowles choice of companionship, but would nevertheless consider living with her again?

‘Cats? I fucking hate ‘em. But a place to crash is a place to crash, after all,’ he said. ‘I might be unstable, but I’m not fucking stupid’

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