Deaths Of Ford, Brown Prove Shockingly Linked


ATLANTA – The grim news of celebrity death dismantled the rosy glow of the holiday season earlier this week with the breaking news of the untimely deaths of both singer and performer James Brown and former president of the United States Gerald Ford. Americans were forced to take a step backward from their gift giving and Christ-loving to reflect on the frailty of life with the passing of these two beloved Americans.

Though most news outlets around the nation have focused on honoring the recently deceased and consoling their bereaved families, reporters and correspondents at Lush For Life are working around the clock and are hot on the trail of the underlying and undeniable link between these two men.

The death of Brown early Christmas morning found Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks in Atlanta, discovering new leads and uncovering raw, hard facts. Here is a transcript from Rocks, received at L4L Headquarters on Tuesday morning:

The untimely passing of the Godfather of Soul has found some surprised and others relieved. Official reports from the Brown family indicate that Brown has ailed from congestive heart failure after being hospitalized for pneumonia. An anonymous inside source has revealed to this reporter that Mr. Brown’s pneumonia was caused by the harsh change in body temperature he experienced after ridding his body of cocaine on Saturday evening.

News that Brown was an avid user of the white lady is not new, though Brown’s close friend and former cocaine supplier, former New York Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor, has recently revealed the source of his habit. “James and I used to get real crazy back in the day,” Brown said. “I had always supplied him with his powder, but since I’ve found Jesus and quit doing that nasty lip-flapping booger sugar, he hasn’t been able to keep enough in his system.”

Following the death of Brown, and with the American public wounded and shocked, President Ford met his untimely end on Tuesday morning, at his home in Rancho Mirage, California, with no identifiable cause of death confirmed, according to widow Betty Ford. Lush For Life correspondent Porcious Crank was on location at the Ford Estate:

Though no official reports of cause of death have been discovered or released, members of the Ford family who were close to the former president have indicated that they believe his death was a direct result of the passing of singer James Brown earlier this week. According to the source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, Ford and Brown shared a deep hatred for each other, and since the passing of Brown, President Ford has finally been able to rest his tortured soul.

The roots of Brown and Ford’s relationship, according to Taylor, dates back to an evening when the two met in 1986 at the Lenox Lounge in Harlem, New York. Ford approached Brown, confronting him about Brown’s decision to endorse former presidential nominee George McGovern in 1972. The two got into a skirmish in the parking lot following a comment Brown had made about Ford’s daughter, according to Taylor, who allegedly witnessed the event. Brown was wounded from a metallic shard Ford often packed in his inner coat pocket (a trick he learned from Spiro Agnew from his days dealing with Dick Nixon and H.R. Haldeman and excessive amounts of scotch) and Ford promptly fled the scene with the help of off-duty Secret Service agents.

According to Taylor, who was out partying with Brown and fellow New York sports stars Darryl Strawberry and Dwight Gooden, Brown did not have health insurance at the time and bled to death in the parking lot of the Lenox Lounge, allegedly flat-lining and pronounced dead on the scene.

Thanks to the quick thinking of former Cy Young winner Gooden, Strawberry and Taylor administered between two and three grams of cocaine with a syringe directly into Brown’s bloodstream, resuscitating him and keeping him alive.

According to Brown’s official medical file that one of our monkeys commandeered from a Piedmont Community Hospital nurse, Brown officially died in 1986, and for the last 20 years he had been living solely on the driving force of cocaine.

Since President Ford’s attempted murder of Brown, his life has been unaccomplished and unfulfilled, according to family members.

“All he wanted to see with his 93-year old eyes was to see that fast talking n[expletive] choke on his own blood,” former first lady Betty Ford said to Porcious Crank. “When he didn’t die that night, Gerry could never get over it… When James Brown passed away I knew my husband had nothing else to live for.”

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