Dear Dr. Belvedere


Dr. Audrielle Belvedere is the resident Psychoanalyst at LushForLife.com’s main headquarters in Tampa, Florida. She will be answering your questions in a semi-regular fashion, giving blunt, frank advice to the sick minds that patronize the pages of L4L.

 

 


Dear Dr. Belvedere,

Lately, I’ve been having a serious problem: I can’t seem to pry myself from my computer. I’ve been obsessed with World of Warcraft and I’m completely engulfed! I don’t spend time with my girlfriend and have taken to microwavable dinners. I called out sick yesterday at work just to play, and now my job is hanging in the balance. What should I do?

 

Lost in Cyberspace

 

Thank you for your question, “Lost in Cyberspace”. I thank you simply because you express an issue relevant to the entire American population and I have been aching to respond back to this dilemma.

 

First off, quite simply, you need to pry your fat ass away from the computer. Go jog a mile. Get your lard, tank ass in shape so that you will be appealing to the opposite sex and can actually educate yourself in something called “social skills”. By attributing the bulk of your free (and work) time in a computer game, you have let yourself go. Do you know that the game was constructed so that people like yourself can cease to have any purpose in life and require nothing more than a high-speed Internet connection and McDonald’s cheeseburgers and, if you are really motivated, maybe even a beer or two? You have dumbed yourself down to suit the needs of Corporate America and, if you ask me, we have a social revolution on our hands. People will be brainwashed into thinking life consists of little gnomes fighting pre-meditated wars with fake weapons and an actual purpose to their madness…. Actually, disregard what I just said, because that happens to be a reality at this point in time.

 

The point is, quite frankly, get a life and quit making up for your shortcomings (i.e. the size of your manhood), and go out in the world and create the battles for yourself! If you are too chicken shit to start a revolution without the comfort of your laptop, you are an unworthy human being and deserve to be annihilated in the real world.

 

In conclusion, put down the CGI rendered sword and read a fucking book.

 

 


 

Dear Ms. Belvedere,

 

I’m very depressed. I have two kids and I can’t figure out who the father is. I called a talk show and they ain’t tryin’ to pay for the blood test. One kid looks chink-eyed and the other look black. I don’t be knowin’ what to tell them. I heard you be good at this shit and I be needin’ some help. I have me a good job, but I’m tryin’ to get child support from one of them cousins that knocked me up. What should I do, Ms. Belvedere?

 

Knocked up in Harlem

 

Well, Ms. Harlem, you are a sadly common case. First off, learn a technique called “spell check”. Get a fucking GED, if possible. Learn how to speak English (it was determined by the school board that Ebonics is not a proper language), before you teach your children whom they were conceived by. Lay off the blow, get off the pole, and go back to school. Your fat ass booty can only take you so far and this is what lead you to conceiving children by the “cousins” that don’t even remember you. I would advise you to lie to those poor, innocent children and tell them their daddy’s are “magician’s fighting the war in the middle east”, because that’s as farfetched as it will get. At least their teachers in school will believe them…

 

Just tell them they were made by Chinese workers in a sweatshop in Africa, sent to you by UPS. That’s better than telling them you have been fondled by more men than your second grade education can possibly remember.

 

As for you, in the meantime, milk the welfare system for what it’s worth. My tax dollars are supporting an infinite number of you trampy hoes, so take advantage while you can. As long as your legs are spread, you will continue to get monetary support from the government and can conceive as many illegitimate children as your heart desires. Those children of yours will contact me soon enough for advice anyways, because they will certainly lead a destructive, confused existence. Not to mention, request psychoanalysis sessions due to the traumatic experience of you being an ignorant bitch. Best wishes to you and your chink/black children.

 

 

By the way, it’s fucking DOCTOR Belvedere to you… please get it right.

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