Arrival Of Super Pixel Signals Death Of Mega Pixel

“TOKYO – With the arrival of the 2006 holiday season, digital imaging manufacturers are joining together to make sure their customers are able to capture all of their memories without issue.

In a recent announcement made by Sony, a secret team of highly-skilled Japanese technicians displayed their poor communication skills while delivering the announcement of the new “”super pixel”” that will be used in all digital cameras sold this holiday season and in the future. The newly designed pixel is sure to be a significant upgrade to the former mega pixel, according to Sony technician Yurigawa Kurasakanuraura.

“”Mega pixels have been highly overrated in the past,”” Kurasakanuraura said to Lush For Life correspondent Porcious Crank. “”Those pixels had unstable demeanors, were slow-performing, and unreliable. How can you seriously trust your digitally-encoded memories to a pixel that suffers from overwhelming anxiety, not to mention a nasty bipolar disorder?”” Kurasakanuraura asked.

The new super pixel will boast much high performance ratings for consumers who focus on capturing “”regular pictures,”” according to a Sony press release. Though most professionals currently using cameras that operate on old pixels may not notice a difference with the new super variety, consumer level novices will see a significant change.

“”Super pixels are simply faster at what they do,”” Fujifilm representative James McEwen said. “”Most people aren’t aware of all the struggles and wear and tear pixels have to go through to capture their pictures.

“”Let’s say you’re in Prague with your family and want to take a photo,”” McEwen explained, “”When you take that picture, a bunch of pixels have to run together all at once while they hold each other’s hands tightly with their eyes closed. Sometimes it takes awhile for those little bastards to hurry up and get there in time,”” McEwen stated. ‘We noticed that the strain of having to run all over the world – following families on their vacations – was becoming too much for mega pixels to handle. The super pixel is so much faster and more reliable.’

Sony technicians concurred with McEwen, explaining that they witnessed several mega pixels lagging behind in a laboratory-conducted simulation of the type of ‘regular pictures’ that occur while consumers are vacationing. The most common failure was seeing old pixels – which appeared to have developed a combination of some digital mutation of arthritis and osteoporosis – dragging behind other healthy pixels with a noticeable limp. According to Kurasakanurura, if all pixels are not present, then the photograph cannot be captured.

’This is why you experience that delay when you press the button,’ Kurasakanuraura said. ‘When all pixels develop this disease, then more often than not the camera dies.’

Developing digitally mutated muscle and bone disorders has not been the only malfunction of mega pixels. After receiving multiple customer complaints from vacationers traveling through Europe, Sony technicians constructed a simulated environment in their laboratory resembling a German pub. Technicians witnessed several pixels sitting around drinking alcohol and chasing skirts while they were supposed to be assembling together for family photographs.

’Mega pixels have become not only injured in their old age, they’ve also become lazy and apathetic,’ McEwen said.

’I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to capture a picture of a pet animal dressed in a Santa hat,’ one mega pixel said on the condition of anonymity to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks. ‘And if I have to do all this goddamn hard work for another friggin’ sunset picture I’m going to kill someone,’ the pixel said, and abruptly had to leave after being summoned for a picture taking session of a Mexican wearing a hardhat on a roof with his lawnmower and his sixteen coworkers.

According to Fujifilm, all new super pixels will boast a superhero costume when they arrive on the scene to capture various digital photographs, according to Kurasakanuraura. They have been genetically enhanced to avoid mood swings, attitude problems, and drinking disorders. Both Sony and Fujifilm representatives assure that all cameras sold during this holiday season will contain super pixels with Santa hats and a sleigh of reindeer to assure they arrive on time to capture all of those rosy Christmas memories.

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