Anxiety Attacks Trigger Acid Flashbacks

OMAHA – As the days of fear and reckoning expand outwards on a United States people filled with dread and anxiety of terrorist attacks, tainted water, and smoggy air, the number of hallucinogenic flashbacks has increased amongst hippies and philosophers alike.

 

Camera salesman Burt Langolier of Blitz Camera in Omaha experienced a psychedelic freak out while in the middle of a pitch, blowing an illiterate customer to sell the much-coveted Nikon L4, a four-megapixel mega-camera costing only $99.99.

 

Langolier, in the midst of his LSD rehash, gnashed down on said customer’s penis, severing the tendons attaching it to his groin area and, more importantly, lost the prized sale.

 

In an interview on Omaha network news station WOHA, Langolier confessed to taking the psychoactive drug the week prior, but blames the flashback on increasing anxiety from the US’ state of foreign and domestic affairs.

 

“This was my first real acid flashback, man, and I’m pretty sure it was based on my fear and anxiety placed unduly upon me by Fox News Network, Mark Levin, and George ‘Dubya’ Bush. I place sole responsibility for my actions upon them,” Langolier said to WOHA.

 

Although LSD usage among teenagers and young adults is at an all-time low, flashback freak fests seem to be on the rise.

 

In a survey recently conducted by the Alan Watts Society for a More Active Role in Developing Philosophies of the Youth Culture and Mentally Stunted Middle-aged Businessman (AESMARDPYCMSMB), it was found that nearly half of all LSD flashbacks are caused by the unfounded paranoia caused by right-wing news outlets. More specifically named are the likes of conservative talk show hosts Rush Limbaugh and Mark Levin.

 

In a press conference to address the issue of hippie-related meltdowns, George “Dubya” Bush deferred all LSD-related questions to former acid guru and present Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice.

 

“I’m not really qualimified [sic], you see, because I done was drinking when I coulda been trippin’, explorin’ my mind and realizin’ the value of a well-place naval in the middle o’ my belly,” Bush relayed, “but Condi, here, she done knows all ‘bout it. Condi? Condi? Where you is?”

 

Rice did not show to answer said questions, however, as she was in the middle of a trip induced by five hits of premium LSD bought from the same guy who supplies the writing staff of Lush For Life.

 

Burt Langolier has filed a suit against the United States government, asking for excess of $20 million for mental damages received. Top law pundits are predicting that he will win in a landslide.

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Dr. Egbert Sousé is a columnist and the Senior Editor for Lush For Life.Born and raised in the rural Deep South, Dr. Sousé attended University of Vanderbilt, where he received his Bachelor's Degree in Mass Media, then going on to Georgetown for his Master's, and eventually graduating from Brown University with a Doctorate Degree in English, where he studied under the highly respected writer and journalist Dr. Leonard Epstein.Dr. Sousé has written articles for a variety of publications, including Newsweek, Time, and The Boston Globe.When not working, Dr. Sousé enjoys spending his leisure time at the local horse tracks, where he places two dollar bets and attempts to make contact with extra-terrestrial life.He currently lives in Tampa, Florida, and during the summer months he resides at his remote villa in Key West, Florida, where he enjoys drinking home-made Absinthe while he continues to complete his Great American Novel.

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