Ancient Find Triggers Genetic Study

“OXFORD, UK – Two new discoveries have been made deep in the oak forests of England. Number one: there are no more oak forests. Number two: there is new evidence to suggest that even 5000 years ago, the world had to deal with lawyers.

The discovery was made during an archaeological dig near the City of Oxford. The scientists uncovered a shrunken, wizened-looking skeleton that had what the experts are calling a “”crone””-like posture. The find has been dated to 3000 years B.C. The cause of death was easy to ascertain due to the large knife that stuck out of the skeleton’s rib cage. The skeletal structure is unusual, but it’s the stone tablet stuffed into the skeletons’ mouth that has really caused a stir in academic circles.

The linguistics department at Oxford University has been studying the previously unknown writing that was found on the stone tablet. After an exhaustive study taking many years, the head of linguistics, Professor Martin Moriarty, claims to have cracked the mystery language.

Lush For Life had the chance to interview the professor at his ancient residence in St. John’s College, deep in the back streets of ancient Oxford.

’Good afternoon, Professor, please tell our readers how you came to crack this mystery language.’

’I am one of the few linguistic historians who are familiar with the writing of this period. At first I could not make heads or tails of it. The script looked like Bronze Age writing of the time but I could not translate it. It wasn’t until my son was arrested for growing cannabis in the back yard and the following endless court hearings that the answer came to me.’

’Excuse me professor, what came to you?’

’The reason that the writing was incompressible to me was that it was written by an ancient lawyer. From this perspective, it has been possible through years of study to decipher the meaning.’

’What does the tablet say?’

’It turns out that an ancient Briton called Ethelred the Short-Tempered had a disagreement with his next door neighbour about a new fence Ethelred put up in his front yard. The lawyers had been called in, and it seems that Ethelred did not take kindly to this crony, stuffing his mouth with the court summons after plunging his knife into his chest. We were also able to decipher the inscription on the hilt of the murder weapon.

’Count to ten before using this knife, dear. Lots of love, your wife, Mrs. Ethelred the Short-tempered. XOXO.’

To finish this report off I went to visit my old professor of anthropology, who has stayed off the Mexican hallucinogens long enough to publish a paper on the skeleton.

’This find will revolutionize our understanding of human evolution. Having seen the skeleton of the ancient lawyer, I propose that this is evidence of a new branch of human evolution. Notice the elongated fingers, the hunched posture, and enlarged voice box – all the hallmarks of a modern lawyer. The next stage in my research calls for a nationwide genetic study of all lawyers to see how genetically different from the rest of the population they have become.’

I asked the resident Lush For Life team of lawyers if they would be willing to take part in the genetic study; after poking me with their bony fingers they told me to fuck off and then issued me with a restraining order. Bloody lawyers?




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