An Alternative Assault On Christmas

“HYANNIS PORT, MA – Christmas has come under fire from all sides again this season as Green Party faggots try their best to hide Christmas trees in the closet, wedged tightly between the Ten Commandments and their sexuality.

However, the assault has proven multi-tiered this year, as some traditionally Jesus-hating, limp-wristed liberals are pretending to join in the fight for the holiest of holy days.

Liberal hippie robot Al Gore jumped into Santa’s corporate sleigh Tuesday pointing to global warming as the most imminent danger to the world’s best and most favorite holiday ever.

“”By burning fossil fuels such as coal, gas, and oil, and clearing forests, we have dramatically increased the amount of carbon dioxide in the Earth’s atmosphere and temperatures are rising,”” he said, with absolutely no identifiable vocal inflection. “”This results in not only grey snow in Santa’s magically wonderful winter paradise, the North Pole, but eventually all the snow will melt, causing Cape Cod to be covered in a multi-colored swamp of toys and candy canes. The only possible end result of this mistreatment of the environment will be a heightened strain on our already contentious immigration problems as the indigenous peoples of the North Pole will undoubtedly seek asylum in the United States.””

In his presentation Gore showed pictures of itinerate midgets floating hopelessly on islands of stuffed toys, cooking year-old fruitcakes over burning children’s pajamas.

An obviously sedated and somewhat emaciated looking Santa Claus sat in the corner and nodded his head when prodded by Gore’s stagehands with a stick. The monotone maniac took this to signify Santa’s implicit endorsement of his views and suggested that for a nominal fee, Santa would deliver his DVD An Inconvenient Truth to all of the good little boys and girls this holiday season.

Gore then strayed into the realm of pure heresy and near insanity.

’Jesus wants you to save the environment,’ he said. ‘I would never suggest that a colleague of mine wasn’t doing his job, or deprecate his relationship with the good Lord above, but the Republicans in power currently have disregarded the will of Jesus, in his blimp above, and are killing Mother Nature with their unabashed support of big business.’

Unfortunately, at this point in the press conference the cameraman from Fox News fell asleep, falling on the soundboard, severing power to the only recording device in the room, an analogue, reel-to-reel recorder from 1978.

As a point of interest, and proof of the journalistic integrity and vigilance of Fox News, the only people in the room that stayed awake longer were Gore himself and his assistant in charge of prodding poor old St. Nick.

Lush For Life super correspondent Arthur Rocks attempted to reach Jesus for comment but was greeted by the crooning of Trent Lott’s holiday greatest hits album.

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