ATLANTA – The grim news of celebrity death dismantled the rosy glow of the holiday season earlier this week with the breaking news of the untimely deaths of both singer and performer James Brown and former president of the United States Gerald Ford. Americans were forced to take a step backward from their gift giving and Christ-loving to reflect on the frailty of life with the passing of these two beloved Americans. Continue Reading

DETROIT – The H2 Hummer emits 3.5 metric tons of carbon per year (about the equivalent of two cars) and gets a whopping ten miles to the gallon.

On the bright side, the H2’s gross weight is over 8,500 lbs., which means that the US government does not require it to meet federal fuel efficiency regulations. Additionally, the government tax incentives for buying a Hummer vastly outweigh even those for buying an electric car (although GM killed their EV1 years ago). Continue Reading

NORTH POLE – Shocking news of slavery and cruelty has come to light at the start of the festive season. Santa Claus has been arrested for crimes against Elves. The newly ratified laws on Elf, Pixie, and Fairy Rights became law late last week. Since that time, a team of lawyers who have been the long-term representatives of Santa’s Elves issued a list of crimes that they say have been committed by Santa over many years. The Lapland Police made the arrest yesterday, amid protests from children, who fear their stockings may go empty this year. Continue Reading

Dr. Audrielle Belvedere is the resident Psychoanalyst at LushForLife.com’s main headquarters in Tampa, Florida. She will be answering your questions in a semi-regular fashion, giving blunt, frank advice to the sick minds that patronize the pages of L4L. Continue Reading

“HYANNIS PORT, MA – Christmas has come under fire from all sides again this season as Green Party faggots try their best to hide Christmas trees in the closet, wedged tightly between the Ten Commandments and their sexuality.

However, the assault has proven multi-tiered this year, as some traditionally Jesus-hating, limp-wristed liberals are pretending to join in the fight for the holiest of holy days.

Liberal hippie robot Al Gore jumped into Santa’s corporate sleigh Tuesday pointing to global warming as the most imminent danger to the world’s best and most favorite holiday ever.

“”By burning fossil fuels such as coal, gas, and oil, and clearing forests, we have dramatically increased the amount of carbon dioxide in the Earth’s atmosphere and temperatures are rising,”" he said, with absolutely no identifiable vocal inflection. “”This results in not only grey snow in Santa’s magically wonderful winter paradise, the North Pole, but eventually all the snow will melt, causing Cape Cod to be covered in a multi-colored swamp of toys and candy canes. The only possible end result of this mistreatment of the environment will be a heightened strain on our already contentious immigration problems as the indigenous peoples of the North Pole will undoubtedly seek asylum in the United States.”"

In his presentation Gore showed pictures of itinerate midgets floating hopelessly on islands of stuffed toys, cooking year-old fruitcakes over burning children’s pajamas.

An obviously sedated and somewhat emaciated looking Santa Claus sat in the corner and nodded his head when prodded by Gore’s stagehands with a stick. The monotone maniac took this to signify Santa’s implicit endorsement of his views and suggested that for a nominal fee, Santa would deliver his DVD An Inconvenient Truth to all of the good little boys and girls this holiday season.

Gore then strayed into the realm of pure heresy and near insanity.

’Jesus wants you to save the environment,’ he said. ‘I would never suggest that a colleague of mine wasn’t doing his job, or deprecate his relationship with the good Lord above, but the Republicans in power currently have disregarded the will of Jesus, in his blimp above, and are killing Mother Nature with their unabashed support of big business.’

Unfortunately, at this point in the press conference the cameraman from Fox News fell asleep, falling on the soundboard, severing power to the only recording device in the room, an analogue, reel-to-reel recorder from 1978.

As a point of interest, and proof of the journalistic integrity and vigilance of Fox News, the only people in the room that stayed awake longer were Gore himself and his assistant in charge of prodding poor old St. Nick.

Lush For Life super correspondent Arthur Rocks attempted to reach Jesus for comment but was greeted by the crooning of Trent Lott’s holiday greatest hits album.

“

“Ahhh Christmas… [cough]… Ahhh the holidays. A time for joy, giving, and over the top political correctness. Filled with cheap, tacky lights, obnoxious Wal-Mart decorations, and those awkward moments in the office after you’ve wished someone a “”merry Christmas”" and then forgotten that they’re not one of the homogenized, beautiful, factory-processed Christians that make up a large number of our outstanding US population. The war on Christmas is simply out of control. Just yesterday in Oklahoma, a practicing Zen Buddhist strangled an over-weight and middle-aged, but well-intentioned office manager for being the fourteenth person that day to wish them a happy Christmas. How do you, as an upstanding member of the ideological clichÈ that is going to heaven, deal with these pagans? Well, here are some tips and ideas of making it through the continual desecration of our most holy of holidays:

First off, check the color of their skin. If they’re not white, there’s a good chance they lead a sinful existence. This is not definite, however. The tone of their skin is important, too. Lighter browns accompanied by a strange accent almost certainly clinch their burning in hellfire for all eternity, but a darker skin and a southern accent probably mean they just go to the wrong church.

Next, find out if the person to whom you are speaking is a pagan. Ask them politely if they have accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Saviour. If they look uncomfortable, tell them you were only joking, but put a King James Bible in their desk drawer after they’ve left for the day to continue on with their evil lives.

Then bring up the issue of the war in Iraq. If they give you some pansy answer about how war is “”never the answer”", it guarantees they are lying, as they are certainly behind the war on Christmas. If they suggest the best exit strategy is to nuke the towel-heads back into the dark ages, get them a nice WWJD bracelet in silver for Secret Santa.

Finally, ask them what they did “”this time last year”", or what they “”normally do for vacation”". These Godless, secular questions won’t get you into trouble, but the answers should be telling. If their destinations have been anywhere other than in the continental United States, they’re a heretical, flagrant-anti-America who wants us to lose the War Against Terrorism, rapes babies, and eats at “”ethnic”" restaurants. Immediately witness to them and give them one of those little plastic-wrapped brochures about loving God that you carry around in your pocket at all times.

Following these strategies will, without fail, lead others around to a better life. So stock up on those little crucifixes you have from years of donations to CTN, those little, brightly colored WWJD bracelets, and those free, green pocket bibles they hand out at revivals and you’ll be all set and not a penny out of pocket (those tithes are coming up soon).

So from all of use here at Lush For Life, good luck and have a Blessed, Jesus-filled Holy Season, and a happy God-gifted New Year.

“

“TOKYO – With the arrival of the 2006 holiday season, digital imaging manufacturers are joining together to make sure their customers are able to capture all of their memories without issue.

In a recent announcement made by Sony, a secret team of highly-skilled Japanese technicians displayed their poor communication skills while delivering the announcement of the new “”super pixel”" that will be used in all digital cameras sold this holiday season and in the future. The newly designed pixel is sure to be a significant upgrade to the former mega pixel, according to Sony technician Yurigawa Kurasakanuraura.

“”Mega pixels have been highly overrated in the past,”" Kurasakanuraura said to Lush For Life correspondent Porcious Crank. “”Those pixels had unstable demeanors, were slow-performing, and unreliable. How can you seriously trust your digitally-encoded memories to a pixel that suffers from overwhelming anxiety, not to mention a nasty bipolar disorder?”" Kurasakanuraura asked.

The new super pixel will boast much high performance ratings for consumers who focus on capturing “”regular pictures,”" according to a Sony press release. Though most professionals currently using cameras that operate on old pixels may not notice a difference with the new super variety, consumer level novices will see a significant change.

“”Super pixels are simply faster at what they do,”" Fujifilm representative James McEwen said. “”Most people aren’t aware of all the struggles and wear and tear pixels have to go through to capture their pictures.

“”Let’s say you’re in Prague with your family and want to take a photo,”" McEwen explained, “”When you take that picture, a bunch of pixels have to run together all at once while they hold each other’s hands tightly with their eyes closed. Sometimes it takes awhile for those little bastards to hurry up and get there in time,”" McEwen stated. ‘We noticed that the strain of having to run all over the world – following families on their vacations – was becoming too much for mega pixels to handle. The super pixel is so much faster and more reliable.’

Sony technicians concurred with McEwen, explaining that they witnessed several mega pixels lagging behind in a laboratory-conducted simulation of the type of ‘regular pictures’ that occur while consumers are vacationing. The most common failure was seeing old pixels – which appeared to have developed a combination of some digital mutation of arthritis and osteoporosis – dragging behind other healthy pixels with a noticeable limp. According to Kurasakanurura, if all pixels are not present, then the photograph cannot be captured.

’This is why you experience that delay when you press the button,’ Kurasakanuraura said. ‘When all pixels develop this disease, then more often than not the camera dies.’

Developing digitally mutated muscle and bone disorders has not been the only malfunction of mega pixels. After receiving multiple customer complaints from vacationers traveling through Europe, Sony technicians constructed a simulated environment in their laboratory resembling a German pub. Technicians witnessed several pixels sitting around drinking alcohol and chasing skirts while they were supposed to be assembling together for family photographs.

’Mega pixels have become not only injured in their old age, they’ve also become lazy and apathetic,’ McEwen said.

’I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to capture a picture of a pet animal dressed in a Santa hat,’ one mega pixel said on the condition of anonymity to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks. ‘And if I have to do all this goddamn hard work for another friggin’ sunset picture I’m going to kill someone,’ the pixel said, and abruptly had to leave after being summoned for a picture taking session of a Mexican wearing a hardhat on a roof with his lawnmower and his sixteen coworkers.

According to Fujifilm, all new super pixels will boast a superhero costume when they arrive on the scene to capture various digital photographs, according to Kurasakanuraura. They have been genetically enhanced to avoid mood swings, attitude problems, and drinking disorders. Both Sony and Fujifilm representatives assure that all cameras sold during this holiday season will contain super pixels with Santa hats and a sleigh of reindeer to assure they arrive on time to capture all of those rosy Christmas memories.

“

“MOUNT RIVER, OR – Three hikers that were alleged to have been stranded on Oregon’s tallest mountain, Mount Hood, have been located working at Santa’ Sweatshop at the North Pole.

Pacific Northwest Correspondent W.E.B. Dubois cracked the story earlier tonight as he was investigating allegations of a child pornography ring centered at the Pole.

In my attempts to get to the bottom of this vile story of underage lust and debauchery, a much more interesting, nay, important tale of greed, racism, and hellish slave conditions that affect every man to his core reared its disgusting head.

It appears that Kris Kringle, Saint Nick, Santa Claus, Father Christmas, Jesus’ Excuse – whatever it is he is calling himself these days – is running the most despicable slave labor ring I have seen since George Washington’s forced-labor marijuana encampments.

Last night, as I was doing surveillance outside one of the seedier sex dens in Santa’s Kitchen, I saw light from yonder window break. I could see three grown men beckoning to me for help.

They introduced themselves as Jerry Cooke, Kelly James, and Brian Hall.

I immediately recognized their names as porn stars from an awesome S & M video from Amsterdam entitled Tie My Dick in a Knot, You Fat Whore, but they were quick to correct me.

They were actually only in Tie My Dick in a Knot, You Fat Whore 2: The Taste of Ass.

Apparently, they were hikers filming a new gay porno, tentatively called Gay Cowboys in Bondage: High Altitude Cum Shot Olympics 27, when a fat man in a red suit and hat corralled them and kidnapped them to work in a slave hovel at the North Pole.

I attempted to alert the White House of Santa’s slave factory and schedule a rescue of the men, but my T-Mobile Razr cell phone could not get service.

I only hope this does not reach you too late. I am cold and hungry, and I haven’t banged a white chick in at least a week.

WEBD

LushForLife immediately forwarded the preceding transcript to Henry Kissinger, and a carpet-bombing of the North Pole is scheduled for next Monday, the day Jesus was born.

“

Lush For Life, the Internet’s premiere site for all things bold, comedic, original, and fake, is taking one more shot at arch-rival TheOnion by jumping head-first into the unknown and oversaturated market of newsprint.

Beginning in January, you will be able to pick up a copy of this fine publication at local hot spots and dives in the Tampa Bay area – for FREE! Continue Reading

“WESLEY CHAPEL, FL – 42 year-old Renee Knowles, a recent divorcee, purchased an orange tabby cat yesterday in an attempt to stave off what Knowles described as “”the emptiness that is my [her] life”".

According to Ms. Knowles, who currently works as a salon technician at Fantastic Sam’s, the divorce proceedings separating her from husband Solomon “”Big Sally”" Knowles were protracted and lengthy, owing to the fact that she refused to sign the paperwork for eight months in an attempt to salvage their waning relationship.

“”I was just hoping and praying and crossing my fingers, all at the same time, it seemed,”" Ms. Knowles said. “”I told Sally, ‘you can have your other women, you can have your cards and your drink.’ And you know what? He left me anyways! Yeah, I was one of those modern wives, the kind that reads People and sees the stars with their ‘open-marriages’, and I thought maybe one of those could work with simple, humble Sally and I, but the truth is, it didn’t. We’re not stars, and we will never be…”"

Ms. Knowles said that before marrying, she’d known Mr. Knowles had a well-earned reputation for being a womanizer and champion arm-wrestler, but “”it was that rebelliousness that kind of drew me to him.”"

“”He just kind of had that look – kind of like an older, hairier, sweatier version of James Dean, with an unbuttoned electrician’s shirt, low enough so that I could see his chest hair and his gold chain,”" Knowles explained, eyeing her wedding ring.

“”Look, it’s real cubic zirconium. I swear. Sally got it for me on the shopping network, isn’t that sweet?”"

During the interview, Ms. Knowles continued to refer to Mr. Knowles as her husband, addressing him by his first name.

Ms. Knowles does not intend to change her name back to her maiden name.

’I’ll always be his wife – always.’

Although Mr. Knowles told our correspondent that he’d no intention of returning to ‘that crazed, manipulative, bitch’ as a husband, he did say that he’d consider living with her, if evicted from his trailer.

’Shit happens, what can I say?’ Knowles said. ‘It’s not like I want to live there, or that I love her or anything like that. It’s Renee’s fault that she got her heart broken – she knew I was untamable to begin with’

Mr. Knowles then growled, only before coughing into a dirty rag.

’You see, this is exactly why I left,’ he said. ‘That marriage, that domesticity shit, I knew it’d kill me’

Ms. Knowles, who now cradles her cat, Snookums, around her apartment in a custom-made shoulder sling remains optimistic.

’I mean, I know he’ll come back. I know my Sally. He has to. He has no car, no job, no money, so it’s almost like he’s kind of stuck, in a way’

Asked what he thought of Snookums, Mr. Knowles said he disagreed with Ms. Knowles choice of companionship, but would nevertheless consider living with her again?

‘Cats? I fucking hate ‘em. But a place to crash is a place to crash, after all,’ he said. ‘I might be unstable, but I’m not fucking stupid’

“