The Scientology Project

“LONDON – I, like all upstanding English folk, went out and bought the Sunday paper on a crisp morning not too long ago. That paper was to change my life forever.

Squeezed between an article about the ludicrous amount of money that British Aerospace Systems are making due to lucrative U.S. arms contracts and another article about one of my housemates who had broken the world record for number of garlic cloves chopped in one minute, beating the previous record of 43, was an article on the new Scientology lodge that just opened for business in the city of London.

The Scientology folks had dug deep into their offshore bank accounts and come up with 40 million pounds (That’s English money for those of you who have never left America and only watch Fox News).

For years, I have felt an emptiness deep within me, a yearning for more than just the coldness of atheism. I had been brought up Christian, dabbled in Buddhism, stayed in a Taoist monastery in China for a month. None had any lasting affect. Maybe Scientology was the answer. Over a nice cup of tea, I persuaded all five of my housemates that we should become Scientologists. Being an open-minded bunch, when threatened with my wrath, they all voted in favour. My fiendish plan was to turn the house into the new East London Scientology Lodge, there by gaining exempt status from all taxes forever.

At first it all went according to plan. Lonely accountants, bored housewives, and BeyoncÈ wondered in to our house to receive the wisdom of Scientology, Mr. Cruise, dropped by to say ‘hi.’ We kicked him out for being too weird, but not before I told him how much I liked Top Gun. The supreme ruler of Scientology, L. Ron Hubbard, came and blessed the place by “”clearing”” the house of all its negative memories. Ron likes to wear a cape these days that reminds me of the one worn by Ming the Merciless. He strutted about the house like a religious pigeon in the mood for love.

I had begun to launder all the millions of dollars that LushForLife earns a month through the tax-free Scientology bank accounts. With luck I would have 3.2 Billion Dollars by the end of the year (compound interest – we love it).

This run of luck was just too good to last. The British government in one of their more enlightened moments realized that Scientology gives religion and science a bad name, so dropped their tax-exempt status.

My get-rich-quick scheme had ended in failure. It was time to find the back door out of this mess. However, the Scientology henchmen came round and activated the free-will suppressor chip they had installed during my first “”audit’.

This report for LushForLife is a call for help. I am currently on board the Scientology submarine with Tom Cruise heading for Australia (still a tax haven for Scientology). If anyone from Naval Intelligence is reading this, our coordinates are Latitude N10∞0 – S15∞0 Longitude E90∞0 – E144∞0. Please end my suffering.



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