Race For Oh Eight Not Started Too Late

“CRAGFORD, AL – As election results rolled in across the USA, balloons and music soared, and thousands of tons of bunting were not recycled. Candidates wept at the prospect of getting or losing their seat on the gravy train. Misty-eyed idealists cheered the dream of a world where their values and objectives might one day triumph over money, lobbyists, and special interest groups.

At KKK, Inc. headquarters, the good Piper-Heidsieck (that’s 1995 for you plebs who drink that Korbel rubbish) flowed like water. Our roving reporter, Chris Burke, has recently been giving KKK, Inc. some well-deserved publicity, hence his invitation to this exclusive gathering.

Julius Whitebody, COO of Ku Klux Klan, Inc. toasted George Bush. ‘To Georgie the Moron – and the value of my stock holdings,’ he said, as he signed the contact to purchase a complete city block in downtown Nashville. ‘And to the people of Tennessee. I knew they’d never elect that Mukaka Ford!’

Then the phones started ringing?.

As KKK’s Lois Formalyfe tempted Chris to a fourth lobster, her enthusiastic co-strategists explained why Julius had Howard Dean holding on one line, while he talked to Karl Rove on the other.

Karl’s boys, experts on the power of organization in politics, started preparing for 2006 a mere few days after the 2004 election. Democrats were, initially, a bit vague on the importance of getting votes into actual ballot boxes, and had to play catch-up (as well as one can, with a latte in one hand, an anti-torture protest in the other, and an expression of outrage on one’s face at all times).

So both are starting earlier for 2008, and even the Dems must build dialogue with the Klan as micro-targeting companies like Strategic Telemetry have limited resources. KKK’s capacity is wider, and their data-mining and statistical model algorithms more powerful. And no company is more matter-of-factly open about their profiling skills.

The first push is to identify likely contributors. Then the analyses will move to predict support for specific candidates or issues, likelihood of voting, etc.

Chris asked Lois for a look at some KKK records, to assess their accuracy, and found that he was profiled as a reluctant Democrat, with a preference for Nader-esque outsiders, but unlikely to vote owing to personal hedonism, poor time management skills, and the unreliability of his 1994 Honda Civic.

His mother is, apparently, a closet Republican, who tells her friends she votes Democrat but has secret fantasies of unnatural threesome sexual acts with televangelists and Condi Rice, while being serenaded by John Ashcroft.

Chris quickly lost interest in the records, despite Lois’ offer of some juicy details about his father, on the basis that his fifth lobster had not partnered well with the Piper-Heidsieck.

He has, however, sold the Civic and invested the proceeds in KKK, Inc.

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