November Horoscopes

Aries: Estranged, chubby, trailer park trash super-star Britney Spears will arrive at your door in a panic. She will claim to have had a terrible nightmare where Ed Bradley of 60 Minutes told her to give up being a pop star and start a career as a naughty nurse waitress in Arizona. She will be pleading to use your phone, as she has been leaving her cell at home due to the risk to Kevin’s testicles, to call Reverend Ted Haggard for spiritual advice. Tell her to fuck off.

Taurus: Look forward to a trip this month. You will be required to take a business class flight to an exotic locale to sweet-talk an attractive, single executive into a set of beach condos that you will have to visit for a month every six months. On the flight over you will wake up in a panic and realize you are blind. Screaming in terror, you will cause a massive scene until you are restrained and arrested by an air marshal, who will remove your sleep-mask.

Cancer: You will become strangely enticed by a photo of a nude, sliced-up young girl in a brief case you saw on populationpaste.com. The images will remain with you for weeks until your bloodlust overpowers you and are forced to waste $2,300 on a Jean Paul Gaultier overnight bag.

Sagittarius: A terrible smoking accident will lead to you coughing up a lung. When the medical staff is presented with your lung, they won’t believe that it’s possible, and not believe you. I suggest bookmarking this page so you can show them this prediction to lend credibility to your story.

Capricorn: After a 3 day drug binge, an early morning session of Christian Television Network watching will introduce you to “”On Wings of Eagles””. Being moved to tears and in a completely irrational state of mind, you will decide to donate all that you own to CTN in order to get Jews out of Russia and into Palestine. This will be a poor decision – don’t do drugs.

Virgo: The decision whether or not to buy a PlayStation 3 will begin tearing your family apart. Not only will the dazzling graphics, smooth game-play, and sleek design put strain on your personal relationships, but the stunning array of titles will add tension to most situations at work, with your children, and your pets. Buy an Xbox 360; it’s less expensive and sucks, so it will not endanger your marriage.

Gemini: After a passionate night with a beautiful pseudo-celebrity, he or she will confess that they were drunk, have a deadly STD, and married to an extremely jealous homicidal maniac who has them followed by a team of ninja assassins. Goodbye.

Scorpio: After watching a thrilling rugby match at a quaint English-style pub, you will decide to try out for a local community rugby team. After a humiliating warm-up lap around the field, you will break your collarbone and left leg in a relatively soft tackle. For the next few years you will never talk about rugby to anyone, until the mental anguish has died down, and you will return to calling it a pussy sport for people not tough enough to play football.

Pisces: A disgruntled employee will alert the police that you have been parking in the company handicapped spot for the last three years because you’re too cheap to buy a parking permit. You’ll know whom it was when they burst out laughing as the police arrest you in the middle of a company lunch. Cut a plea deal by telling them about the meth you purchased from that employee which he makes in his apartment. I suggest reading the Prisoner’s Dilemma and a bit of Nash.

Libra: A disappointing bikini waxing will leave you feeling violated and cold. Some of the ripping and tearing along the sides of your genitalia will take weeks to heal, but the callous laughs of the toothless Asian woman who burnt your privates will take years to fade.

Leo: Congratulations! You will win a trivial amount of money from a scratch card at a grocery store with a cashier with a lazy eye. Unfortunately, by the time you get home, you will not be able to find the small sum. Searching your car, however, will reveal loose change worth about 23 cents more than your winnings, but for some reason this will depress you even more.

Taurus: Google will refuse to load on your home PC for some reason. Every few hours you will check again, but it won’t let you in to your customized home page, gmail, or news page. The fact that you can get to every other site on the Internet will frustrate you to the point of madness when you realize that without Google, you are nothing. Tears will run freely when your significant other types in www.google.com and it pops up first time.

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