Military Enrollment Strategies Prove Effective

“QUANTICO, VA – With voluntary military enrollment numbers declining at an ever-increasing rapid rate, high ranking officials of the United States Marine Corps are attempting to develop new and exciting ways of encouraging the uneducated, hopeless masses of the numb-skulled American youth – and sometimes referred to as The New Hitler Youth of Bushian Rebirth in some radical liberal social circles – to hand over their livelihood and free-will and become one with the massive glump of the cheap beer swilling, wife-swapping military peoples.

The time to relinquish your rights as free-thinking Americans for a bag of venison beef jerky and a loaded firearm has finally arrived in full gallop with the recent corporate agreement between the Marine Corps and The Golden Corral restaurant chain. Now all members of the military and veterans of war have the esteemed honor of enjoying a free meal at the notorious food chain on Veteran’s Day – as told to us by new Golden Corral spokesman and trusted member of CBS primetime television Gary Sinise in a recent national ad campaign funded by the restaurant and taxpayers.

Voluntary enrollment in the military has been declining for the last several years as the United States has become more and more involved in overseas strategies of meddling and war. The cost of keeping America free and implanting Capitalism’s rightful stronghold around the globe had never fully been defined – until now.

“”We feel that offering a free ten dollar meal at such a well-known and respected restaurant will get our enrollment numbers back to where they need to be,”” Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps John Estrada said to Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson. “”Sometimes, the feeling of needing to fight for your country escapes some of us,”” Estrada said while sipping a Mint Julep and placing a six-dollar trifecta bet at a dog track in Virginia. “”And a free meal will nudge some of these people who are on the fence to our side.””

This recent decision was not made on a whim, according to USMC marketing strategist Karl Steinflenblendenson. Many man hours and countless amounts of taxpayer funds were devoted to establishing the most effective strategy to convince Americans to enlist.

’We are aware of the current desires of the American public,’ Steinflenblendenson said to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks. ‘Using these desires as a tool to reinforce what we need to accomplish has been priority number one in this project.’

According to Steinflenblendenson, certain areas of American’s ‘desires’ were targeted when devising with this master plan. It is well documented throughout multiple contemporary surveys and studies that Americans today are more overweight than ever before – which was one primary angle used by the Marine Corps.

’Who would turn down a free meal at the Golden Corral? Our feeling is that not many people would? ‘ Steinflenblendenson said. ‘And that desire to stuff our faces with disgusting Southern style food, according to our studies, is powerful enough to inspire our overweight public into joining the military.’

Americans also, according to the USMC studies, are always looking for a good value in all of their decisions. Getting a free meal for a lifetime of military service and the risking of one’s life for the motives of distorted politicians and greedy oil companies is enough to push a possible recruit over the edge.

’I’ve been thinking about joining for awhile,’ new recruit Billy Parker said. ‘The idea of devoting my life to my country and possibly dying for it is a big one,’ Parker said, ‘but once I saw that advertisement, it was a no brainer.’

Using Gary Sinise as a spokesman for the new recruitment technique was also a well-contrived decision as well, according to Estrada. ‘Gary is a trusted face on the most watched network in the country,’ Estrada said, referring to the Columbia Broadcasting Station, CBS. ‘The majority of the elderly population in the United States watch Mr. Sinise’s program, and those grandparents are very influential to their grandchildren. Also his role as Lieutenant Dan in ‘Forrest Gump’ helps further establish his credibility. Believe me, people listen to Gary Sinise. I am a big fan of his and he is a hero to a lot of people.’

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