Lord Almighty Comes Out Of Retirement

“RIEGELWOOD, NC – In a stunning act of God, the Lord we all knew and loved back in the Old Testament times made one hell of a comeback. A tornado that ripped through North Carolina early Thursday morning killed eight people and injured many more. At least 40 mobile homes were destroyed in a surprising move by the Almighty, as trailer dwellers are usually devoted churchgoers.

“”It just came out of nowhere,”” Norman Green of the Riegelwood area Sheriff’s office told Lush For Life in a telephone interview. “It was like the sky just opened up and Jesus puked on those poor people. I’ll tell you what, it’s that anti-Christ Pelosi whose made the man upstairs so mad.”” Green, referring to the fact that the next Speaker of the House will be Democrat Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi. The idea that God’s anger and rage have come out of retirement over the Democrats gaining control of both the Senate and the House is one that has been suggested by more than just one hickish, half-crazed religious nut.

Of the few remaining bigoted zealot leaders who have not been indicted on felony corruption charges or been forced from power by methamphetamine-fueled gay sex scandals, Jerry Falwell has found time to add psychic-gasoline to the hateful fire of insane right-wing rhetoric. “”A woman in control of the House!”” cried Falwell on a Christian Television Network press conference. “”Never in my life have I seen such blasphemy! Those good people of North Carolina were sacrifices to the Lord to calm His rage over that increasingly liberal state. With most of the Senate and House seats going to Godless Democrats and madmen, as well as those fools not voting to ban fags from get’n hitched, is more than enough reason to force the Lord’s hand.””

Arch-nut-job and fellow hate monger Jim Bakker weighed in by saying, “”Well, those are the same people who allowed ‘Blue Velvet’, ‘Bull Durham’, and ‘Dawson’s Creek’, as well as that satanic moving picture ‘The Crow’ to be filmed in their fair state. The only thing keeping the Lord our God from wiping the whole mess off the face of the planet was ‘Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby’. Praise the Lord for NASCAR.””

When asked for comment, President George Bush said that he was at lunch with the anti-Christ, and didn’t even know where North Carolina was.

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