“RIEGELWOOD, NC – In a stunning act of God, the Lord we all knew and loved back in the Old Testament times made one hell of a comeback. A tornado that ripped through North Carolina early Thursday morning killed eight people and injured many more. At least 40 mobile homes were destroyed in a surprising move by the Almighty, as trailer dwellers are usually devoted churchgoers.

“”It just came out of nowhere,”" Norman Green of the Riegelwood area Sheriff’s office told Lush For Life in a telephone interview. “It was like the sky just opened up and Jesus puked on those poor people. I’ll tell you what, it’s that anti-Christ Pelosi whose made the man upstairs so mad.”" Green, referring to the fact that the next Speaker of the House will be Democrat Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi. The idea that God’s anger and rage have come out of retirement over the Democrats gaining control of both the Senate and the House is one that has been suggested by more than just one hickish, half-crazed religious nut.

Of the few remaining bigoted zealot leaders who have not been indicted on felony corruption charges or been forced from power by methamphetamine-fueled gay sex scandals, Jerry Falwell has found time to add psychic-gasoline to the hateful fire of insane right-wing rhetoric. “”A woman in control of the House!”" cried Falwell on a Christian Television Network press conference. “”Never in my life have I seen such blasphemy! Those good people of North Carolina were sacrifices to the Lord to calm His rage over that increasingly liberal state. With most of the Senate and House seats going to Godless Democrats and madmen, as well as those fools not voting to ban fags from get’n hitched, is more than enough reason to force the Lord’s hand.”"

Arch-nut-job and fellow hate monger Jim Bakker weighed in by saying, “”Well, those are the same people who allowed ‘Blue Velvet’, ‘Bull Durham’, and ‘Dawson’s Creek’, as well as that satanic moving picture ‘The Crow’ to be filmed in their fair state. The only thing keeping the Lord our God from wiping the whole mess off the face of the planet was ‘Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby’. Praise the Lord for NASCAR.”"

When asked for comment, President George Bush said that he was at lunch with the anti-Christ, and didn’t even know where North Carolina was.

“

“Young Americans vote in the largest numbers in at least twenty years in congressional elections.

Young voters favored Democrats by a 22-point margin.

Okay guys, it’s time to forget about Muslims, Unabombers, and Miami Morons (the ones who thought the FBI stooges were al-Qaeda come to help them blow up America for Jesus). This election has revealed the real terrorist threat.

George W. Bush, the poster-boy of non-consultative management, parental positioning, and father-knows-best, tangled with a new demographic this election.

Every manager who ever said, “”I’ll do it my way; I am the boss, and the heck with you,”" must be feeling for the guy.

Bush is not alone. He’s only one of millions of Baby Boomers who are discovering that “”my way or the highway”" only works if the person who is going to hit the highway is the Boomer him/herself.

Bush needs to read more Scott Adams to know that, deep in the cubicles of the corporate jungles, a new army has trained themselves to deal with authoritarianism.

An army who recognized him as the enemy and taught him a lesson.

So if you’re a Baby Boomer (born 1946-1964) or a Traditionalist (even older), it might be a good time to sniff the coffee and review how the new guys on the block operate, because GenX (born 1980 +) and GenY (even younger) are taking no prisoners.

Let’s assume you’re a Boomer. Innocent that you are, you go to work to work. You go home to socialize. You think you’re technologically sophisticated (yeah right!). You grew up in a world where you waited your turn for authority. You “”paid your dues”" by shutting-up-and-putting-up with stuff, until you got into a position of responsibility. Now it’s your turn and (like Bush and Frank Sinatra) you think you’re going to do it your way.

Let’s not worry too much here about GenY (described by Marcus Buckingham as the generation who got prizes for coming 8^th in a race). It’s GenX who are going to murder you this week.

They’re probably better educated than you are, and they can show you the real meaning of “”technologically savvy”", so they think that they can do your job now. They need your salary to pay their college debt, so they have little interest in doing schlep jobs when they have the skills, energy, technological currency, and innovative ability to do the interesting stuff, now.

’Oh, nooooooo,’ you sneer. ‘I need you there? with your techie skills. You are so not going anywhere. I’m the boss and I pay the piper and I call the tune. A promotion? Get real, kid. It took me 15 years to get to this position.’

That evening, over a glass of fine wine, you describe the pissed-off look on the GenXer’s face to your significant other. You’re in charge now, and your personal White House feels pretty damned good.

It’s a pity that you forgot how the new terrorists socialize in their work-life continuum. (They will even move jobs to be with their friends.) You can’t quite get your head around they way they have networks of GenX friends throughout the company. They don’t live in silos, like you do, and they bang out vast numbers of emails and texts to their whole network, hourly, while also keeping constant contact through their blurred work-social boundaries.

Hmmm? and you could have taken into consideration that the whole freaking IT department is GenX, too, before you pissed one of them off.

GenXers use software to keep their to-do lists. They have a number of tasks on these lists. Why has your request been done last? There is a perfectly logical reason for other tasks being done first. Your job just happens to be last today. Watch the GenXers’ “What is WRONG with you?” faces as they shove a handheld Blackberry-like device in your face, to show you the list.

Isn’t it strange how you are last on every list? In so many unconnected departments? Yesterday and tomorrow, too?

Please don’t request anything verbally, as it will be forgotten by all GenXers. When you ask again, the GenXer is puzzled. Did you ask Natasha or perhaps Darren? Please print the email and the GenXer will find the culprit and bring him/her to justice immediately! No email? NO EMAIL? *Gasp* You must have asked Kimberli or Shawn, but no, it clearly wasn’t me.

If you ask for something by email, the GenXer will, of course, (eventually) give you what you asked for. Exactly what you asked for. And s/he will have filed the email to document what you asked for. And the reply, and the confirmation that the reply was received, and opened. People on a GenXer’s good side get what they want, but you will get what you asked for, and exactly, and only that.

Yes George, Dick, Karl and Condi. That authoritarian attitude doesn’t work with this bunch. They don’t accept that ‘we’re in charge and you’ll do it our way’ bullshit any more.

They don’t take it at work, and they don’t accept it when people their age (and younger) are dying for your whims and mistakes in the middle of a civil war you ignited.

So Harry, Nancy, and Howard? listen up. Because the training camps are not in Afghanistan or Iraq or Pakistan any longer. They’re downtown.

And you gave birth to the new terrorists: they work for you, they voted you into office, and they can kick you out.

Just ask Rummy.

“

“QUANTICO, VA – With voluntary military enrollment numbers declining at an ever-increasing rapid rate, high ranking officials of the United States Marine Corps are attempting to develop new and exciting ways of encouraging the uneducated, hopeless masses of the numb-skulled American youth – and sometimes referred to as The New Hitler Youth of Bushian Rebirth in some radical liberal social circles – to hand over their livelihood and free-will and become one with the massive glump of the cheap beer swilling, wife-swapping military peoples.

The time to relinquish your rights as free-thinking Americans for a bag of venison beef jerky and a loaded firearm has finally arrived in full gallop with the recent corporate agreement between the Marine Corps and The Golden Corral restaurant chain. Now all members of the military and veterans of war have the esteemed honor of enjoying a free meal at the notorious food chain on Veteran’s Day – as told to us by new Golden Corral spokesman and trusted member of CBS primetime television Gary Sinise in a recent national ad campaign funded by the restaurant and taxpayers.

Voluntary enrollment in the military has been declining for the last several years as the United States has become more and more involved in overseas strategies of meddling and war. The cost of keeping America free and implanting Capitalism’s rightful stronghold around the globe had never fully been defined – until now.

“”We feel that offering a free ten dollar meal at such a well-known and respected restaurant will get our enrollment numbers back to where they need to be,”" Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps John Estrada said to Lush For Life correspondent Rob Johnson. “”Sometimes, the feeling of needing to fight for your country escapes some of us,”" Estrada said while sipping a Mint Julep and placing a six-dollar trifecta bet at a dog track in Virginia. “”And a free meal will nudge some of these people who are on the fence to our side.”"

This recent decision was not made on a whim, according to USMC marketing strategist Karl Steinflenblendenson. Many man hours and countless amounts of taxpayer funds were devoted to establishing the most effective strategy to convince Americans to enlist.

’We are aware of the current desires of the American public,’ Steinflenblendenson said to Lush For Life correspondent Arthur Rocks. ‘Using these desires as a tool to reinforce what we need to accomplish has been priority number one in this project.’

According to Steinflenblendenson, certain areas of American’s ‘desires’ were targeted when devising with this master plan. It is well documented throughout multiple contemporary surveys and studies that Americans today are more overweight than ever before – which was one primary angle used by the Marine Corps.

’Who would turn down a free meal at the Golden Corral? Our feeling is that not many people would? ‘ Steinflenblendenson said. ‘And that desire to stuff our faces with disgusting Southern style food, according to our studies, is powerful enough to inspire our overweight public into joining the military.’

Americans also, according to the USMC studies, are always looking for a good value in all of their decisions. Getting a free meal for a lifetime of military service and the risking of one’s life for the motives of distorted politicians and greedy oil companies is enough to push a possible recruit over the edge.

’I’ve been thinking about joining for awhile,’ new recruit Billy Parker said. ‘The idea of devoting my life to my country and possibly dying for it is a big one,’ Parker said, ‘but once I saw that advertisement, it was a no brainer.’

Using Gary Sinise as a spokesman for the new recruitment technique was also a well-contrived decision as well, according to Estrada. ‘Gary is a trusted face on the most watched network in the country,’ Estrada said, referring to the Columbia Broadcasting Station, CBS. ‘The majority of the elderly population in the United States watch Mr. Sinise’s program, and those grandparents are very influential to their grandchildren. Also his role as Lieutenant Dan in ‘Forrest Gump’ helps further establish his credibility. Believe me, people listen to Gary Sinise. I am a big fan of his and he is a hero to a lot of people.’

“

“MADRID – An international committee consisting of top delegates from the three largest military powers on the planet, Spain, Italy, and France (collectively know as the Three Amigos), have come up with a brilliant plan for a cease-fire agreement between Palestinians and Israel.

The plan, codenamed “”Operation Lapdog”", is being hailed by the United Nations as “”the most levelheaded, effective, and obvious”" plan for peace put forth since the United States’ invasion of Iraq.

“”We think that ‘Operation Lapdog’ is the only way to assure peace between the peoples of so-called ‘Palestine’ and the Jews,”" said Spanish President Rodriguez Zapatero of the strategy.

“”Operation Lapdog”" calls for Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas and Prime Minister Ehud Olmert of Israel to meet on conspicuous, neutral ground, each bearing a flag representative of their respective nation.

They will then lay their colors on the ground in front of each other and take turns shitting on their own flags as a sign of respect.

After the first round of turd plopping, they will then break for a short lunch, consisting of leftover bean burritos from Taco Bell. They will then reconvene to continue the feces festival, this time shitting on their opponent’s flag and loaf.

After the rounds of poop laying are complete, they will then roll around together in a naked embrace, smearing evacuated bowel soup all over each other’s testicles.

As the sun begins to set, they will shake hands, dance the Icky Shuffle, and return home to declare a cease-fire and everlasting peace amongst their people.

’Hell, I think it’s a great idea,’ said President George ‘Dubya’ Bush. ‘Sometimes, me and ol’ Laura’ll get in a fight, and the only way to decide who wins is to spray diarrhea at each other. It’s the way God intended for it to be.’

The ceremony is to take place on November 25.

“

“CRAGFORD, AL – As election results rolled in across the USA, balloons and music soared, and thousands of tons of bunting were not recycled. Candidates wept at the prospect of getting or losing their seat on the gravy train. Misty-eyed idealists cheered the dream of a world where their values and objectives might one day triumph over money, lobbyists, and special interest groups.

At KKK, Inc. headquarters, the good Piper-Heidsieck (that’s 1995 for you plebs who drink that Korbel rubbish) flowed like water. Our roving reporter, Chris Burke, has recently been giving KKK, Inc. some well-deserved publicity, hence his invitation to this exclusive gathering.

Julius Whitebody, COO of Ku Klux Klan, Inc. toasted George Bush. ‘To Georgie the Moron – and the value of my stock holdings,’ he said, as he signed the contact to purchase a complete city block in downtown Nashville. ‘And to the people of Tennessee. I knew they’d never elect that Mukaka Ford!’

Then the phones started ringing?.

As KKK’s Lois Formalyfe tempted Chris to a fourth lobster, her enthusiastic co-strategists explained why Julius had Howard Dean holding on one line, while he talked to Karl Rove on the other.

Karl’s boys, experts on the power of organization in politics, started preparing for 2006 a mere few days after the 2004 election. Democrats were, initially, a bit vague on the importance of getting votes into actual ballot boxes, and had to play catch-up (as well as one can, with a latte in one hand, an anti-torture protest in the other, and an expression of outrage on one’s face at all times).

So both are starting earlier for 2008, and even the Dems must build dialogue with the Klan as micro-targeting companies like Strategic Telemetry have limited resources. KKK’s capacity is wider, and their data-mining and statistical model algorithms more powerful. And no company is more matter-of-factly open about their profiling skills.

The first push is to identify likely contributors. Then the analyses will move to predict support for specific candidates or issues, likelihood of voting, etc.

Chris asked Lois for a look at some KKK records, to assess their accuracy, and found that he was profiled as a reluctant Democrat, with a preference for Nader-esque outsiders, but unlikely to vote owing to personal hedonism, poor time management skills, and the unreliability of his 1994 Honda Civic.

His mother is, apparently, a closet Republican, who tells her friends she votes Democrat but has secret fantasies of unnatural threesome sexual acts with televangelists and Condi Rice, while being serenaded by John Ashcroft.

Chris quickly lost interest in the records, despite Lois’ offer of some juicy details about his father, on the basis that his fifth lobster had not partnered well with the Piper-Heidsieck.

He has, however, sold the Civic and invested the proceeds in KKK, Inc.

“

“What follows are the minutes of a high level LushForLife meeting held at M.I.6 headquarters in London on November 8^th, 2006

“”Saddam has done a great job, everyone, and we, the United Countries in the interest of freedom and democracy must thank him for his loyalty to the cause. Those of you who have been kept in the loop since Saddam went into deep cover will already be aware that before coming to power he was a loyal servant of the CIA, ready to knock off anyone on the American hit list at the drop of a veil, in return for support with his political campaign and coupe attempt. The Kuwait invasion was, of course, well planned by the CIA, who guided the course of action for the war against the US.

“”Finally, after many years of good service, he has reached the end of his tour of duty. If, tonight, you here decide that it is better he die a martyr and so further alienate the already warring Sunni and Shi’a death squads that already walk the beat in Baghdad to further violence and destruction and eventually civil war, then so be it. If, however, ladies and generals and various levels of intelligence staff are prepared to be bold, then take a minute to mull over my plan for Saddam.

“”Let’s set him free. Let’s set up a black-op black bag covert level 53 mission. If you will, look at the prepared dossier in front you ladies and generals. Inside, you will find six photos and vital statistics of the elite team that we at LushForLife have put together for this prison break operation.

’First up and team leader – me. That’s right, this project is my puppy and I get to call the shots on this one. Next, we have Wolverine, since he is shorter than me, and is pretty good in a fight as well as knitting competitions. In at number three is Professor James Lovelock, the creator of Gaia Theory and Daisy World. The Prof is coming along as I have never had the chance to ask him a few challenging questions about his work and this seems as good a chance as any. I will also require his knowledge of Atmospheric Gas Ecology, so we will be able to knock out all the guards in the complex at the same time. The Ghost of Hunter S. Thompson will be on spooking duty and will be writing the classified report of the mission.

’I was hoping that the other writers at LushForLife were also going to bring their vast skill set to this little project but it seems that if they are not incapacitated by high levels of angel dust in Tampa, then they are rolling cigars in Havana. However, ‘Gale Storm’ has offered to put in a few hours of tech support for the mission in between rounds of golf and breaks for salmon sashimi. Thanks very much for your support, Gale; your advance is in the numbered account as promised.

’The final member of the team – another hardliner for our cause – Osama Bin Laden. As you all know, Osama was the brightest and best explosives expert at the CIA Academy. There is no one to match such an artist with plastique, so we are lucky he has accepted this mission.’

’Why, you may ask, should we undertake such a dangerous mission? Well, apart from the fact that Saddam has been a loyal reader of LushForLife since our humble beginnings, I can’t, in all fairness, see him hang. I am after all, from England, and, as Tony Blair said yesterday, we Brits don’t agree with the death penalty. This is a matter of conscience for me; one that the team has supported all the way. The British Government can and will back the US in all the regime change, red flag operations, and general spookery that we all know and love, but us Brits will not allow a mass murderer to be hanged with our seal of approval. The only honorable thing to do is break him out and put him in the witness protection programme.

’All in favor of this planned action say ‘aye’……………….’

“

“Aries: Estranged, chubby, trailer park trash super-star Britney Spears will arrive at your door in a panic. She will claim to have had a terrible nightmare where Ed Bradley of 60 Minutes told her to give up being a pop star and start a career as a naughty nurse waitress in Arizona. She will be pleading to use your phone, as she has been leaving her cell at home due to the risk to Kevin’s testicles, to call Reverend Ted Haggard for spiritual advice. Tell her to fuck off.

Taurus: Look forward to a trip this month. You will be required to take a business class flight to an exotic locale to sweet-talk an attractive, single executive into a set of beach condos that you will have to visit for a month every six months. On the flight over you will wake up in a panic and realize you are blind. Screaming in terror, you will cause a massive scene until you are restrained and arrested by an air marshal, who will remove your sleep-mask.

Cancer: You will become strangely enticed by a photo of a nude, sliced-up young girl in a brief case you saw on populationpaste.com. The images will remain with you for weeks until your bloodlust overpowers you and are forced to waste $2,300 on a Jean Paul Gaultier overnight bag.

Sagittarius: A terrible smoking accident will lead to you coughing up a lung. When the medical staff is presented with your lung, they won’t believe that it’s possible, and not believe you. I suggest bookmarking this page so you can show them this prediction to lend credibility to your story.

Capricorn: After a 3 day drug binge, an early morning session of Christian Television Network watching will introduce you to “”On Wings of Eagles”". Being moved to tears and in a completely irrational state of mind, you will decide to donate all that you own to CTN in order to get Jews out of Russia and into Palestine. This will be a poor decision – don’t do drugs.

Virgo: The decision whether or not to buy a PlayStation 3 will begin tearing your family apart. Not only will the dazzling graphics, smooth game-play, and sleek design put strain on your personal relationships, but the stunning array of titles will add tension to most situations at work, with your children, and your pets. Buy an Xbox 360; it’s less expensive and sucks, so it will not endanger your marriage.

Gemini: After a passionate night with a beautiful pseudo-celebrity, he or she will confess that they were drunk, have a deadly STD, and married to an extremely jealous homicidal maniac who has them followed by a team of ninja assassins. Goodbye.

Scorpio: After watching a thrilling rugby match at a quaint English-style pub, you will decide to try out for a local community rugby team. After a humiliating warm-up lap around the field, you will break your collarbone and left leg in a relatively soft tackle. For the next few years you will never talk about rugby to anyone, until the mental anguish has died down, and you will return to calling it a pussy sport for people not tough enough to play football.

Pisces: A disgruntled employee will alert the police that you have been parking in the company handicapped spot for the last three years because you’re too cheap to buy a parking permit. You’ll know whom it was when they burst out laughing as the police arrest you in the middle of a company lunch. Cut a plea deal by telling them about the meth you purchased from that employee which he makes in his apartment. I suggest reading the Prisoner’s Dilemma and a bit of Nash.

Libra: A disappointing bikini waxing will leave you feeling violated and cold. Some of the ripping and tearing along the sides of your genitalia will take weeks to heal, but the callous laughs of the toothless Asian woman who burnt your privates will take years to fade.

Leo: Congratulations! You will win a trivial amount of money from a scratch card at a grocery store with a cashier with a lazy eye. Unfortunately, by the time you get home, you will not be able to find the small sum. Searching your car, however, will reveal loose change worth about 23 cents more than your winnings, but for some reason this will depress you even more.

Taurus: Google will refuse to load on your home PC for some reason. Every few hours you will check again, but it won’t let you in to your customized home page, gmail, or news page. The fact that you can get to every other site on the Internet will frustrate you to the point of madness when you realize that without Google, you are nothing. Tears will run freely when your significant other types in www.google.com and it pops up first time.

“

In a monthly periodical, you, the readers of LushForLife, can submit questions to Danny Albertson, and he will forward a handful of them to Brett Favre in their monthly sit down Q and A.

Danny Albertson: In the wake of all that has changed and transpired within the world of politics during the last several days, I find myself sitting down with the mighty Brett Favre. In this time of change and uncertainty, there is no one else I’d rather have by my side, wading through this political whirlwind, Brett, and I hope all of you readers out there recognize the extreme luxury we all share in spending even the slightest moment with this great man. How are you, Brett?

Brett Favre: I have to tell you, I’m not really feeling like myself. I, like most of you good warm-blooded Americans out there, struggled through watching the Democrats take control on Capitol Hill earlier this week – and I haven’t felt like the same, good ol’ Brett since.

DA: Rather than refer to our mailbag, we’ll just do a one-on-one interview this week, so we can get to the bottom of all the hot topics that have transpired over the past several weeks, without the possibility of losing focus with silly, ridiculous questions that are unrelated to you.

BF: That’s fine with me, Danny. Obviously some of our readers are below me.

DA: I won’t lie to you and say that I’m not concerned for the state of our country. What do you suggest all of the remaining right-minded, god-fearing Americans do?

BF: Just hang in there, guys. That’s what I’m doing. Still reflect the same strength in yourselves that is present in all of our fearless Republicans leaders. We will survive; we will overcome.

DA: How do you think our executive regime will remain the dominant powerhouse that it has been for the last six years, now having to deal with the competition and desires of the Democrats?

BF: Well, this could be tricky. Ole ‘W’ won’t be able to get as much done for us, now, but I think with the right kind of teamwork and focus, we’ll be able to make some political splash plays. Years ago, when we [the Packers] were the best, we flaunted our skills and no one could touch us. George W. Bush has experienced similar things during the past several years – but now that some pieces of his team have been disbanded, he will have to step up and lead us all to the Promised Land and rightful place atop world diplomacy.

DA: You and the President have a lot in common. Both of you share similar political views, and you are both battle tested. Before he named Robert Gates his new Secretary of Defense, did the President contact you about the job opening?

BF: He did. I was glad to hear from him – we hadn’t spent any time together or share any words since we were awarded our doe-huntin’ licenses and went buck wild in Arkansas last winter. He offered me the job – which I told him, ‘I’m an offensive guy, not defensive’ – but I did give him some advice on whom to choose to replace Mr. Rumsfeld.

DA: How do you feel about Rumsfeld’s resignation? And what kind of response or backlash should the people give to the Democrats?

BF: It is a shame that the first thing the filthy Democrats demand is the removal of such a good leader. I feel we should torch the Senate and the House, and set the cities aflame.

DA: I know of your future political plans of running for office alongside your desired running mate Charles Barkley, but would you consider any other position along President Bush’s cabinet, acting as a springboard towards your personal political dominance?

BF: I’ve dominated on every level of competition I’ve been faced with in my life. Though Secretary of Defense isn’t for me, I think I could be an effective Secretary of War, or a war strategist. All talks of exit strategies from Iraq would dissolve, and we would have all out carnage – crushing them. Anyone who disputes our motives and decisions would fall subject to my mighty hand. The United States would reach new heights of political and economic dominance around the world, and all of our leaders and citizens would be remembered as gods.

DA: A likely and progressive outlook. Before I let you go, can you give me some warm, parting words for our readers regarding the loss of one of our field’s most respected reporters, Ed Bradley?

BF: He was a washed-up, old nigger journalist with an earring and a blood disease. He was a figurehead of the libs and an evil tool for the Jews. Who cares?

DA: Well put, I suppose?

“TAMPA – As the polls closed, Tuesday night, a somber, depressing fog rolled into Lush For Life headquarters. We all knew that our time had come. The end of the road was in sight, and some of us, the more delusional ones, knew that or demise was of our own doing.

Years of bashing, trashing, and mashing GOP members and politics had run its circle. As sure as the Republicans waltzed out of Washington, however graciously, Lush For Life was also on its way out. One too many jokes about Donald Rumsfeld, perhaps, and it all comes tumbling down.

Lush For Life has filed for bankruptcy protection in light of the new blue United States government. No more calling for the Republican heads to be severed from their fat, greasy, bloated, impotent, gay, pederast bodies, as they are all heading for the sweet life, sipping rum runners in West Palm and filling in correspondent seats at the good old Fox News Network.

The country is headed in a new direction, as “”Dubya”", our last remaining source of fodder, contends, and Lush For Life was, sadly, not built for that. Lush For Life is a Red Party Killing Machine, designed to target and take down (satirically) the biggest wigs in America’s government.

We tried to make it work, but found that there are only seventeen remaining jokes about ‘Dubya’ that have not been written, with thousands potentially lost as the Republicans hand over their power.

Minutes before we decided to call it quits, correspondent Rob Johnson suggested that we could still sell ad space and maintain web hits by switching party affiliation from NONE to REP and begin to destroy the Dems by poking fun at pretty-boy John Kerry and poster of rationalism Howard Dean, but we fired him immediately, pointing out that this press affiliate, nay, this great country was not built on a pack of lies, but the blood of thousands of innocent minorities.

KKK, Inc. has expressed an interest in purchasing Lush For Life to keep us from hells fiery pits, but a partnership with the Grand Dragon CEO was only likely to drive us down the path of racism and partnerships with the truly evil insurance companies, such as Aetna.

In the end, the best bet was to pack the bags, dust off the horses, and ride into the sunset with our fingers up our ass and our dignity in tact.

EGBERT SOUS», SENIOR EDITOR OF LUSH FOR LIFE, SIGNING OFF? FOR THE LAST TIME.

“

“BANNER-ELK, NC – An unidentified motorist is in the hospital tonight, recovering from possible neurological damage after a routine traffic stop turned violent.

The deputy involved in the case, Jerry Hicks, described the motorist as wiry and “”hopped up”" on something.

“”It was just weird,”" said Hicks. “”He had that shiny jacket zipped all the way up above his chin, and he kept doing this thing with his arms, kind of like he was a mime making a box, but then all of a sudden, he did this wave motion.”"

Hicks asked the motorist to kill the motor and step of the car. The motorist did not heed the deputy’s orders and instead mumbled something about rocking “”the three stripes, and not the Asics.”"

“”And when he finally stepped out of the car,”" Hicks added, “”He kept shaking, like he was grooving to some music or something; I don’t know. I moved to pat him down and he said, ‘You “”rudebox”" me and I’ll “”rudebox”" your crew’. I didn’t really know what that meant, but I thought it was a threat. So I tazered him. He said, ‘Why you so nasty?’ And then he fell and jittered a bit, but I think it was mainly an aftershock of that breakdancing the kids do these days”"

When asked about the possibility of misconduct or brutality, the county sheriff, Shepp O’Connell, shrugged and replied: ‘Well, it’s not like Hicks shot him, or anything. The kid just got a good jolt. Serves him right, too. That shows you to be rude to a cop.’

O’Connell also didn’t know whether or not the term ‘rudebox’ constituted a threat, but nevertheless stood behind his deputy. ‘He had to make a judgment call, and that’s what he did. Now, like I said, the boy’s not dead.’

The motorist apparently got the term ‘rudebox’ from Robbie Williams’ similarly named hit single, ‘Rudebox,’ which was released in 2006. Williams’ album was in the motorists’ dashboard CD player at the time of the incident.

Although it is unclear from the song what exactly the term ‘rudebox’ signifies, it is clear that Williams uses the term interchangeably, whenever he needs a chorus line.

The unnamed motorist remains in stable condition, and no charges have been pressed as of yet.

“