New York Buildings To Be Placarded, Monitored

“NEW YORK – Responding to criticisms following Wednesday’s tragic accident involving the small single-engine aircraft of Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg announced sweeping new building code regulations aimed at preventing any further plane-into-building incidents in the city.

Former National Transportation Safety Board director Jim Hall told the Associated Press that “he does not understand how a plane could get so close to a New York City building since September 11th.

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Mayor Bloomberg concurred. “”Director Hall is right. I accept full responsibility for this tragic affair, and I am now taking steps to right matters. I have arranged with NASA for a satellite to be placed in geosynchronous orbit over New York City. These modern satellites are great, you know. The resolution is incredible; something like 1 inch. Once that gets up, nothing will go on in this city that escapes our notice.””

In the meanwhile, all buildings over five stories will be required to display a bright orange placard, visible from 3,000 feet, bearing the warning, “”FLYING YOUR PLANE INTO A BUILDING IS PROHIBITED. $1000 FINE.”” Buildings over twenty stories tall will additionally be required to employ a crier to run hither and yon on the roof, audibly shouting “”Lookout!”” at regular intervals.

Furthermore, netting of appropriate weight and density will be installed over all public thoroughfares and sidewalks to mitigate the potentially disastrous effects of any fiery debris that should eject from buildings upon the impact of a plane or other flying object.

Upper East Side resident Janie Harris, 22, daughter of well-known mystery novelist Barbara Harris, lauded the new measures. “I think that what they’re doing is really great if it’ll keep anyone else from getting hurt, you know? And that’s the most important thing. Well, that, and freedom, and this’ll, like, do both, so it’s great.”



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