New Iraqi Bases Based On Eighties Cartoons

“LONDON – I was walking down the main road near my house when I came across a fancy looking laptop. I picked it up and pressed the “”on”” button in the hopes of finding out who the owner of this bit of hardware might be. When the friendly looking eagle of the CIA’s home page came up on the screen, I knew it must belong to a forgetful agent in the field who had just misplaced top-secret intel. As a patriot, I undertook the responsibility to protect the hardware and all the classified data it contained. As a patriot, I felt honor bound to share some of this information with the LushForLife readers who are also patriots. After a few hours at the LushForLife state of the art labs, our team of code breakers has revealed some of the more juicy bits from the laptop.

In one file, we have discovered some creative plans for permanent bases in Iraq. Fourteen such bases out of the current 109 bases have been earmarked for extra funding to allow for the necessary security upgrades for bases that will be there for generations to come. Halliburton, the company that “”won”” (not that hard in a competition of one) the no-bid contracts to build and maintain the bases in Iraq has, according to my new laptop, sent the word out to architects around the world about an exciting new project in Iraq.

”We want to think outside the box and be a little more creative with our permanent military base designs. The standard reinforced concrete and sand bags look has been done to death. We were hoping for something a little more like ‘Castle Grey Skull,’ or the Thunder Cats’ Fortress.

’A few of our mates from the N.S.A., who are big Lord of the Rings fans, were hoping for a ‘Mordor Castle’ approach for one of the Northern Bases.

’Anyway, your design brief is to create plans for permanent military bases that put the fear of God into the locals.

’Extra points will be awarded for creative and amusing defensive strategies. Laser beams from lidless eyes, or earthquake activators were what we had in mind, but we welcome your input in this area. Please keep in mind the need for a little discretion.

’The word ‘permanent’, when put together with the word ‘base’, has been shown by pollsters to have a negative impact with the public and goes against what the politicians have been saying for the past few years. Therefore, these bases will require some sort of cloaking device to hide them from reporters and general population of the world who are against permanent bases in Iraq.

’Our British chums from M.I.6 have suggested bases that have an underground hydraulic system that would be able to lower the base to below ground level when pesky U.N. inspectors come calling, much like the secret base from the British show Thunderbirds.

’Finally, we have an unlimited budget for you to play with, so the sky really is the limit on this one. Let all your creative juices flow and let’s come up with a permanent fortress or two that will become the new Wonders of the World. Halliburton is, of course, an equal rights employer, so we will accept design plans from Iraqis (Sunni and Shiite), and from men and women of all religions, but we do reserve the right to accept bribes and give an unfair advantage to architectural firms that only employ young attractive women.”

Through my network of contacts in the murky world of big buck business, I uncovered Disney‘s business intentions for Iraq. The big cheese at Disney, i.e. Mickey, has been lobbying Halliburton for the right to build one of the bases. Mickey Mouse said to LushForLife:

”Minnie and I have been looking forward to visiting our country’s new state. But Minnie and I can only stay in a ‘Cinderella’ Castle, so we are asking our friends at Halliburton to reserve a military base that we can turn into ‘Disney Baghdad’.

Personally, I can’t wait to ride on “Space Mountain” when it comes to Baghdad, but then I always was a sucker for roller coasters. If you, dear reader, have any good design ideas for permanent bases in Iraq, we at LushForLife will be happy to pass them on to Halliburton.

Comments

comments

Tags: , , , ,

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro

crackberry

This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]