Mark Foley Is My Boyfriend

TAMPA – I was driving to a funeral for a beloved pet, Saturday morning, when I heard local talk radio host Jeff Fisher announce the sad news of Mark Foley’s shameful emails and instant messages to young, teenage boys, describing lurid sexual acts and masturbatory suggestions. I then began to weep.

In 1996, I got my first computer, and learned the joys of AOL‘s Instant Messenger (AIM) and Internet chat rooms. It is in this cyber world where I met the lovely and talented Mark Foley.

I was sixteen, then, and was a typical bored teen, looking for excitement in all the normal places sixteen year old boys look for action: man on boy chat rooms.

I had fantasized about fat, balding, conservative, Republican congressman since I was eleven, as I was entering puberty. As a young boy from the suburbs of Tampa, however, I had no way to fulfill my sexual urges. Luckily, AIM came about.

I chose the handle PreteenGOP, and met ChildMolester217 in the NAMBLA chat room. I had dabbled in that room before, but all of the chatters were just so… blunt. ChildMolester217, though, he was different. He could understand my needs as a young boy living in the mid 90s. He just? idunno, understood me. We could talk about whatever I wanted into the wee dawning hours.

So sure, I had to lie to Mr. Foley (Marky Mark, I called him) about my age, as I was way too old for him, but I was so convincing as a twelve year old in the NAMBLA chat rooms, as I would lisp my esses and turn spaghetti into pasketti.

I never actually met him in person, and I was a bit surprised to find out he was an alcoholic, to be honest, but Marky and I had a special bond. He considered me his little Gilligan, and I called him my Skipper. I was a little disappointed to hear about the thirteen year old page, because I’m sure he couldn’t describe a wrinkled penis in a young, moisturized hand like I could, but I know my Marky was doing it all in fun: he’s no child molester; just a man who understands what any normal teenage boy wants.

He has been disgraced, now, and will always be looked upon as a sexual predator of teenage boys. That’s a bunch of baloney. Marky is as heterosexual as they come. Not once did he ever touch penises with another young boy. He was a Good Samaritan, more than anything.

I will be voting for Mr. Foley as a write-in, this November, and I strongly urge all Floridians with a sense of justice to do the same. Do not let this gentle saint suffer at the hands of a cruel, intolerant court of public opinion. Show you care and you understand what a public service people like Mark Foley and Debra LaFave do for this state. Let’s do something right for once, Florida.

Unless, that is, you want to continue to be ‘America’s Wang’.

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