It’s All About Us!

WASHINGTON, DC – A special Grand Jury has been convened, and will sit on Monday to hear details of the case against Uriel Smart and Ophelia Payne, arraigned on treason charges for supporting the radical new doctrine of Terracentrism.

To anyone who looks at the world logically (like Bill O’Reilly), it is clear that the USA is the center of the world, and every person and nation on earth organizes all policy and action around the needs and concerns of the USA.

However, Dr. Smart and Ms. Payne has been preaching the counter-intuitive idea that there are many different nations and cultures on the Earth, and that each have concerns of their own, and that some of them actually do not even think about the USA as often as (for instance) they think about minor issues such as sex. This evil heresy is now officially known as Terracentrism.

Another such movement, Heliocentrism, was once allowed to go unchecked. Heretics like Aristarchus, Copernicus, and Galileo gradually spread their poisonous doctrine far and wide. Today, that weird concept of a sun-centered solar system has prevailed, but the Bush Administration is made of sterner stuff, and is determined to stay the course on eradicating the heinous Terrarist doctrine.

Anyone suggesting that North Korean nuclear programs, Iranian alliances, or Iraqi tribal loyalties are not directly tied to US politics will be subject to immediate questioning under the United States Military Commissions Act of 2006.

President Bush will be making a whirlwind tour of nine Southern states, next week, to launch the new War on Terrarism. At each stop, staffers will distribute decks of Fear Cards, featuring 54 characters, to remind voters how much they have to dread, and what horrors the Administration protects them from. Terrarists will feature prominently in the deck, with Uriel as the King of Diamonds and Ophelia as Queen of Spades.

The Three of Clubs is Mr. Yuri Pulsive, a Ukrainian chicken farmer, who has only thought about the USA five times in the last three years.

Loss of Iraq, loss of respect, and now loss of interest? How will Americans bear the crushing realization that not everyone on the planet sees things from their point of view, or focuses on their preoccupations all the time?

Fortunately, they will be protected from such a blow. We can safely assume, with Bill O’Reilly, that anything anyone does, anywhere, anytime, is all about us, the good ol’ egocentric USA… and that President Bush will not withdraw from the fight on Terrarism, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting him.

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