Dunn Slated To Be Next Secretary Of State

“WASHINGTON, DC – As the controversy surrounding semi-useless Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice grows, many Washington insiders are betting that she will be replaced by former Hewlett-Packard chairwoman Patricia Dunn. The switch seems like a logical choice to many neo-conservatives as the two have much in common.

The building anger concerns the fact that before 9/11, Condi Rice was informed by then-CIA Chief George Tenet of an impending al-Qaeda attack on the United States. Rice apparently brushed him aside, laughed, ignored his warnings, and spat in the direction of his crotch – but it didn’t turn out too badly: the resulting tragedy gave the Bush Administration carte blanche to invade almost any country they saw fit; something they’d been itching to do for a while. As a result, Ms. Rice’s days seem to be numbered in the intelligence driven political world, and a successor will soon be needed.

LushForLife.com super correspondent Arthur Rocks got the scoop from one of his many White House insiders: “The choice couldn’t have been simpler,” said anonymous source Andrew H. Card, Jr. “We knew we wanted one of those people… with… you know… umm… a woman! That’s right, a woman, to appeal to the umm… woman voters. We also needed someone with experience directing large amounts of people who feels comfortable with intelligence techniques that may be… umm… within the law.”

Card, obviously referring to the fact that Dunn is a woman, is completely correct. And the similarities don’t stop there. Rice used to give joint Stanford-Berkley lectures, Berkley being Dunn’s graduating school. Rice also served on the board of Hewlett-Packard and both are reportedly huge fans of the Monty Python musical Spamalot. However, Dunn’s recent forays into the intelligence world seem to have been more successful than Rice’s, and Rice is a Victoria’s Secret kinda gal while Dunn is La Perla all the way.

Dunn is currently at the center of a controversy regarding her attempts to weasel out board members of HP who were suspected of leaking confidential information to the press. In doing so, she had private investigators hack into reporters’ computers and impersonate other HP board members to obtain phone private phone records. Although she is now facing legal charges and jail sentences, the Bush administration is not phased (are they ever?).

”The GOP has a long and successful history of hiring criminals,” said GOP Part Chairman, Ken Mehlman. “These are our people. I mean, if they’re not criminals when we recruit them, they will be soon enough; why go through all the time and effort it takes to initiate all these people? Patricia Dunn is a fine example of a leader and a great American; her only crime was working in the private sector; any of the four questionable charges against Mrs. Dunn would have been completely legal if she had worked for the government.”

Causing considerable excitement and spontaneous drooling in the Republican Party is the fact the Dunn was successful in her witch-hunt. The investigation, which only used four PIs, uncovered director George Keyworth as the source of a leak to a CNET Networks, Inc. reporter. Many in the GOP are salivating at the thought of what she could accomplish with the CIA and FBI at her disposal and without all the useless red tape of the law to hinder her.

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