British Bimbo Baffled By Bathyergidae

“WEST SUSSEX, UK – A young girl got the fright of her life, last week, when she discovered a rodent the size of a fat baby compressed within her brand new waffle iron.

The young lady in question, who has a part-time job as a prostitute, had bought herself the Waffle-O-Matic brand waffle iron to celebrate a recent promotion. She had taken it home to her swanky Bognor apartment and is thought to have been looking forward to a tasty snack.

“”I was not particularly hungry,”” she said.

But that hunger vanished when she lifted the lid of the waffle iron and discovered the mouse already waffley-versatile in the centre and a bit crispy round the edges. Thankfully, the RSPCA were called a few days later and the mouse made a complete recovery. The young girl was not so fortunate, unfortunately. She has been sectioned for mental health problems and never got her waffle.

How could such a tragedy have happened? Many questions remain unanswered. How did the mouse get so big? Did it really make a complete recovery? What would it have tasted like if it hadn’t? One theory is that it would have tasted a bit like chicken.

Another theory suggests that it was all some kind of a crazed prank by a disgruntled employee of the waffling industry who was upset at his low pay and inability to make friends. Whatever the cause, the outcome was a disaster for all concerned. Waffle irons suffered a negligible fall in sales, the employee is still a bit lonely, and the gigantic mouse has just been discovered inside a cinnamon bagel. It must never happen again. Hot domestic appliances are no place for large animals.

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