Ask Brett! Volume 5

In a monthly periodical, you, the readers of, can submit questions to Danny Albertson, and he will forward a handful of them to Brett Favre in their monthly sit down Q and A.

Danny Albertson: Another month or so has passed as all of you, like myself, have been tapping our feet and watching the arms of the analog clock slowly tick – anxiously awaiting the next time Brett Favre, The Greatest Person Ever, graces the newsroom with his always insightful, and usually peculiar outlook on the present state of the world. We have a few special guests with us today, as fellow NFL quarterback Jake Delhomme, and former quarterback and current L4L correspondent Rob Johnson join us for this installment of Ask Brett!

Brett Favre: That’s right, Danny. Even though it says in my contract that I will always be the center of attention, always, these fellas are okay.

Rob Johnson: It’s good to hear that from you, buddy. I never thought I’d ever hear you say anything like that.

BF: Well, I’ve always smoked your ass on the gridiron, so showing you up here will be as easy as threadin’ the needle on a fourth and thirteen.

Jake Delhomme: I can whoop your ass on the field and in the newsroom, Favre. You better check your Mississippi mouth at the door.

DA: There will be no mediator or referee calling this interview, Jake, so don’t think you can go whining and crying when shit doesn’t go your way.

RJ: Yeah, don’t get too exited, Delly. I’ve never seen a two-bit Cajun faggot like you man up to the likes of these guns.

BF: When it’s choke time, we’ll ask for your input, okay?

DA: Let’s try to stay on course. Our first question comes from Raghab in Beirut, Lebanon:

Dear Brett,

I met Danny on his journey to Lebanon earlier this year and heard about this feature. With all of the turmoil happening here and throughout the Middle East, how would you handle the problems between the Israelis and Arabs, and the growing disdain for the United States?

BF: Let me see if I can answer this: I’ve always felt anyone with darker skin is always in the wrong, and I don’t see anything different about this situation.

JD: The whiter, the righter, I’ve always said.

BF: The whole world has to deal with all of you dumbasses. If it were up to me, America would keep the hell out of there and let all you kill each other. That’s the only solution: every last one of you sand niggers die.

JD: I agree with you, Brett. In fact, we should send over artillery and weapons to both sides to get ‘em to hurry up with it.

DA: Is that really the good, Christian way to handle it? The more death and bloodshed, the better?

BF: Of course it is. God wants to see all of those heathens die for not believing in Him, and he also is on our side, always.

JD: It’s what they want. There’s no reason America can’t come to the rescue like we always do and lend our helping hand with guns and bombs.

RJ: I do not concur with you gentlemen. There can be a solution for all of these different peoples and religions to live together in peace and harmony. Allowing both religions to be named the national religions, treating each other with respect, and being understanding and open to both group’s beliefs and views would be a good start. Just because a group of people doesn’t agree with every nuance of your faith does not make either side ‘more right,’ or give either side the right to kill each other.

DA: Interesting debate. I’m not sure, but I think that outside of the extreme religious groups involved, nobody gives a fuck who’s right or wrong. Our next question is a little bit lighter, and comes from Billy in Branson, Missouri:


I’ve noticed, like everyone else in the world except you, that your skills have diminished over the years, and you are now nothing more than a washed up hack that can’t face the fact that your career is over. When are you finally going to quit so I can see you on Dancing with the Stars?

BF: I have no plans on following in the footsteps of Jerry Rice and Emmitt Smith. I am, however, in talks with Hollywood producer Jerry Bruckheimer to launch an action-adventure, sci-fi television series where I would play myself, and I would travel through time and would be placed within the greatest historical moments of time where I would have to save the world. The show is designed to springboard my political career after my playing days are over. Our pilot episode puts me in the war room during the Bay of Pigs, and Michael Rappaport is currently cast as my sidekick.

JD: Is there any chance I could get a cameo?

BF: I don’t think so. With me at the helm, the world would be safe. But if we put you in the show, I really don’t think it would be believable. Rob would be a good choice, though.

RJ: I could see myself in Troy, on top of Mount Olympus, with oil glistening on my muscular, godly body, fighting Achilles to the death with only my two hands.

DA: And the L4L staff would replace Woodward and Bernstein in the Watergate investigation.

BF: I’ll make some calls.

DA: ‘Til next time, gentlemen? Let’s put some money on how many interceptions Brett will throw, and how many times Jake will complain to the officials by the time of our next meeting.

RJ: These two will go completely broke.

BF: In your dreams, faggot.

DA: Sounds like something worth discussing for a change.



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