Amateur Editor Inundated With Pointless Criticism From Writing Staff

“NEW YORK – Senior Editor of fledgling satirical blog Vance Linsel was found dead, Tuesday, of multiple, apparently self-inflicted ink pen stabs to his neck. A suicide note was left, written with the same pen, stating:

“”dear mad mad world

I have been doing this for too long. All day thes bastards ask me how to spell ‘poo poo’ and if both pepsi and cola are capitalized in the phrase, and then I tell them to check it on the internet and they won’t and then I tell them how to spell something else (iincorrectly) and they have already gone and checked in on the internet, rendering my help useless to begin with. What is the point?

“”and then, a week later, they bring it to my attention when I spelled it ‘life’ when it should have been ‘live’, and I’m like, ‘then why didn’t you write it like that in the first place? Don’t you read what you wrote? And why diodn’t you then correct it?’

“”so, I am leaving this world. Goodbye.””

His secretary, whom he was apparently fucking, found the suicide letter.

’I liked him and all,’ Viviana Garcia told veteran reporter Arthur Rocks, ‘but he could only cum if I faked orgasms while screaming out my lustful moans as properly punctuated sentences. I’d be like, ‘Oh comma baby exclamation point you fuck me so good comma cowboy period,’ and that was the only way he’d shoot his load.’

The writers who, apparently, drove Linsel to suicide could care less, it seems. Heinz Hogan, regular contributor to commented on his editor’s demise:

’Man, that guy conjugates like a motherfucker. I think he overdoes it with the commas, but what are you going to do? Dramatic effect is dramatic effect. What? He’s dead? Oh. You meet his secretary?’

Robert Thomason, sports blogger for the site, had equal compassion.

’I’m glad. Usually, when I would bring it up that there was a misplaced comma, he would flip out and start talking shit about my avant-garde writing style,’ Thomason said. ‘If there’s one guy to overreact, it was him. Let me guess: stabbed himself with a pen, right?’

A funeral is being held Friday at Bill’s Funerals and Car Wash, with Linsel’s mother the only one expected to show up.



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