“NEW YORK – Senior Editor of fledgling satirical blog VerbingNoun.com Vance Linsel was found dead, Tuesday, of multiple, apparently self-inflicted ink pen stabs to his neck. A suicide note was left, written with the same pen, stating:

“”dear mad mad world

I have been doing this for too long. All day thes bastards ask me how to spell ‘poo poo’ and if both pepsi and cola are capitalized in the phrase, and then I tell them to check it on the internet and they won’t and then I tell them how to spell something else (iincorrectly) and they have already gone and checked in on the internet, rendering my help useless to begin with. What is the point?

“”and then, a week later, they bring it to my attention when I spelled it ‘life’ when it should have been ‘live’, and I’m like, ‘then why didn’t you write it like that in the first place? Don’t you read what you wrote? And why diodn’t you then correct it?’

“”so, I am leaving this world. Goodbye.”"

His secretary, whom he was apparently fucking, found the suicide letter.

’I liked him and all,’ Viviana Garcia told veteran reporter Arthur Rocks, ‘but he could only cum if I faked orgasms while screaming out my lustful moans as properly punctuated sentences. I’d be like, ‘Oh comma baby exclamation point you fuck me so good comma cowboy period,’ and that was the only way he’d shoot his load.’

The writers who, apparently, drove Linsel to suicide could care less, it seems. Heinz Hogan, regular contributor to VerbingNoun.com commented on his editor’s demise:

’Man, that guy conjugates like a motherfucker. I think he overdoes it with the commas, but what are you going to do? Dramatic effect is dramatic effect. What? He’s dead? Oh. You meet his secretary?’

Robert Thomason, sports blogger for the site, had equal compassion.

’I’m glad. Usually, when I would bring it up that there was a misplaced comma, he would flip out and start talking shit about my avant-garde writing style,’ Thomason said. ‘If there’s one guy to overreact, it was him. Let me guess: stabbed himself with a pen, right?’

A funeral is being held Friday at Bill’s Funerals and Car Wash, with Linsel’s mother the only one expected to show up.

“

“WEST PALM BEACH, FL – One day following the accusatory comments he made about actor Michael J. Fox, right-wing broadcaster Rush Limbaugh followed by creating a charitable fund and scholarship program, and awarded Fox with the initial distinguished award in acting the program plans on giving out on an annual basis.

Limbaugh originally accused Fox – who ails from Parkinson’s disease and is a large supporter of stem-cell research – of faking and exaggerating the uncontrollable jerks and facial twitches he suffers due to his disease during an advertisement promoting stem cell research in order to sway voters to support the research of stem cells. When Limbaugh went on air yesterday, presumably to apologize for his brash, accusatory comments to Fox, he shocked his listening audience with some unpredictable news.

“”I stand by what I said. I take back none of what I said,”" Limbaugh said during his radio show yesterday. “”In fact, I think Fox is so good at acting that I am going to reward him.”"

The organization founded by Limbaugh, called A Helping Hand for the Truly Gifted Disease-Ridden Fakers, will be designed to help struggling actors and aspiring film students who have diseases and ailments similar to Fox. The organization will also award a group of aspiring actors every year with fully paid scholarships, provided the awardees declare themselves Republicans and vote on the Republican ticket in all local, state, and national elections.

“”It became apparent to me just how gifted he is,”" Limbaugh said in an on-air interview with LushForLife correspondent Arthur Rocks. “”These actors, including Michael J. Fox, are talented and are a powerful weapon for the Democrats,”" Limbaugh stated, “”and all I want to do is keep these people from being exploited by the filthy liberals and turn them into respectable, Republican-voting Americans.”"

Another aspect of the organization will be focused on film preservation, and will award deserving “”disease-ridden fakers”" with an Honorable Achievement in Acting award every year. With Fox being responsible for the launching of the fund, the flagship award will be given to him.

“”Michael J. Fox is truly a talented actor, obviously,”" Limbaugh said. “”Just look at what he’s done with this whole Parkinson’s thing. It is astounding how believable his performance really is,”" Limbaugh went on, “”and I am giving him this award in honor of his truly remarkable ability to fake a disease.

“”He’s never really been honored for his achievements, except for an Emmy – which isn’t much of an award. Hopefully now, people will notice his achievement, now that I’ve given him this award and my seal of approval.”"

Upon receiving his award from Limbaugh in an in-studio interview at LushForLife Headquarters with correspondent Porcious Crank, Fox promptly broke the trophy over his knee and simply replied, ‘This man is completely insane.”"

“

WASHINGTON, DC – A special Grand Jury has been convened, and will sit on Monday to hear details of the case against Uriel Smart and Ophelia Payne, arraigned on treason charges for supporting the radical new doctrine of Terracentrism.

To anyone who looks at the world logically (like Bill O’Reilly), it is clear that the USA is the center of the world, and every person and nation on earth organizes all policy and action around the needs and concerns of the USA.

However, Dr. Smart and Ms. Payne has been preaching the counter-intuitive idea that there are many different nations and cultures on the Earth, and that each have concerns of their own, and that some of them actually do not even think about the USA as often as (for instance) they think about minor issues such as sex. This evil heresy is now officially known as Terracentrism.

Another such movement, Heliocentrism, was once allowed to go unchecked. Heretics like Aristarchus, Copernicus, and Galileo gradually spread their poisonous doctrine far and wide. Today, that weird concept of a sun-centered solar system has prevailed, but the Bush Administration is made of sterner stuff, and is determined to stay the course on eradicating the heinous Terrarist doctrine.

Anyone suggesting that North Korean nuclear programs, Iranian alliances, or Iraqi tribal loyalties are not directly tied to US politics will be subject to immediate questioning under the United States Military Commissions Act of 2006.

President Bush will be making a whirlwind tour of nine Southern states, next week, to launch the new War on Terrarism. At each stop, staffers will distribute decks of Fear Cards, featuring 54 characters, to remind voters how much they have to dread, and what horrors the Administration protects them from. Terrarists will feature prominently in the deck, with Uriel as the King of Diamonds and Ophelia as Queen of Spades.

The Three of Clubs is Mr. Yuri Pulsive, a Ukrainian chicken farmer, who has only thought about the USA five times in the last three years.

Loss of Iraq, loss of respect, and now loss of interest? How will Americans bear the crushing realization that not everyone on the planet sees things from their point of view, or focuses on their preoccupations all the time?

Fortunately, they will be protected from such a blow. We can safely assume, with Bill O’Reilly, that anything anyone does, anywhere, anytime, is all about us, the good ol’ egocentric USA… and that President Bush will not withdraw from the fight on Terrarism, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting him.

“WEST SUSSEX, UK – A young girl got the fright of her life, last week, when she discovered a rodent the size of a fat baby compressed within her brand new waffle iron.

The young lady in question, who has a part-time job as a prostitute, had bought herself the Waffle-O-Matic brand waffle iron to celebrate a recent promotion. She had taken it home to her swanky Bognor apartment and is thought to have been looking forward to a tasty snack.

“”I was not particularly hungry,”" she said.

But that hunger vanished when she lifted the lid of the waffle iron and discovered the mouse already waffley-versatile in the centre and a bit crispy round the edges. Thankfully, the RSPCA were called a few days later and the mouse made a complete recovery. The young girl was not so fortunate, unfortunately. She has been sectioned for mental health problems and never got her waffle.

How could such a tragedy have happened? Many questions remain unanswered. How did the mouse get so big? Did it really make a complete recovery? What would it have tasted like if it hadn’t? One theory is that it would have tasted a bit like chicken.

Another theory suggests that it was all some kind of a crazed prank by a disgruntled employee of the waffling industry who was upset at his low pay and inability to make friends. Whatever the cause, the outcome was a disaster for all concerned. Waffle irons suffered a negligible fall in sales, the employee is still a bit lonely, and the gigantic mouse has just been discovered inside a cinnamon bagel. It must never happen again. Hot domestic appliances are no place for large animals.

“

“LONDON – I was walking down the main road near my house when I came across a fancy looking laptop. I picked it up and pressed the “”on”" button in the hopes of finding out who the owner of this bit of hardware might be. When the friendly looking eagle of the CIA’s home page came up on the screen, I knew it must belong to a forgetful agent in the field who had just misplaced top-secret intel. As a patriot, I undertook the responsibility to protect the hardware and all the classified data it contained. As a patriot, I felt honor bound to share some of this information with the LushForLife readers who are also patriots. After a few hours at the LushForLife state of the art labs, our team of code breakers has revealed some of the more juicy bits from the laptop.

In one file, we have discovered some creative plans for permanent bases in Iraq. Fourteen such bases out of the current 109 bases have been earmarked for extra funding to allow for the necessary security upgrades for bases that will be there for generations to come. Halliburton, the company that “”won”" (not that hard in a competition of one) the no-bid contracts to build and maintain the bases in Iraq has, according to my new laptop, sent the word out to architects around the world about an exciting new project in Iraq.

”We want to think outside the box and be a little more creative with our permanent military base designs. The standard reinforced concrete and sand bags look has been done to death. We were hoping for something a little more like ‘Castle Grey Skull,’ or the Thunder Cats’ Fortress.

’A few of our mates from the N.S.A., who are big Lord of the Rings fans, were hoping for a ‘Mordor Castle’ approach for one of the Northern Bases.

’Anyway, your design brief is to create plans for permanent military bases that put the fear of God into the locals.

’Extra points will be awarded for creative and amusing defensive strategies. Laser beams from lidless eyes, or earthquake activators were what we had in mind, but we welcome your input in this area. Please keep in mind the need for a little discretion.

’The word ‘permanent’, when put together with the word ‘base’, has been shown by pollsters to have a negative impact with the public and goes against what the politicians have been saying for the past few years. Therefore, these bases will require some sort of cloaking device to hide them from reporters and general population of the world who are against permanent bases in Iraq.

’Our British chums from M.I.6 have suggested bases that have an underground hydraulic system that would be able to lower the base to below ground level when pesky U.N. inspectors come calling, much like the secret base from the British show Thunderbirds.

’Finally, we have an unlimited budget for you to play with, so the sky really is the limit on this one. Let all your creative juices flow and let’s come up with a permanent fortress or two that will become the new Wonders of the World. Halliburton is, of course, an equal rights employer, so we will accept design plans from Iraqis (Sunni and Shiite), and from men and women of all religions, but we do reserve the right to accept bribes and give an unfair advantage to architectural firms that only employ young attractive women.”

Through my network of contacts in the murky world of big buck business, I uncovered Disney‘s business intentions for Iraq. The big cheese at Disney, i.e. Mickey, has been lobbying Halliburton for the right to build one of the bases. Mickey Mouse said to LushForLife:

”Minnie and I have been looking forward to visiting our country’s new state. But Minnie and I can only stay in a ‘Cinderella’ Castle, so we are asking our friends at Halliburton to reserve a military base that we can turn into ‘Disney Baghdad’.

Personally, I can’t wait to ride on “Space Mountain” when it comes to Baghdad, but then I always was a sucker for roller coasters. If you, dear reader, have any good design ideas for permanent bases in Iraq, we at LushForLife will be happy to pass them on to Halliburton.

“

LONDON – LushForLife.com can exclusively reveal that a new and highly effective truth serum has inadvertently been given to many British officers. Army doctors, who wished to remain anonymous, told LushForLife.com that the potent truth formula earmarked for express delivery to Guantanamo, Cuba was mistaken as a party stash of ketamine and MDMA that they were saving for an all night rave that the top brass in the army enjoy on a regular basis.

Since that now infamous party which rocked the foundation of the Army and British politics, officers have been beating down the door at LushForLife.com. So desperate is the need to tell the truth to the wider public that news outlets in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Britain have been harassed and harried by British officers that had attended that party and had inadvertently sniffed a line or two of the truth serum.

General Richard Dannatt, the first to blow the whistle and tell the truth, has really upset those whose main occupation is to curb the truth and mould it into something completely different. Tony Blair was outraged that someone who really knows what is going on in Iraq and Afghanistan was able to tell the world that our presence in Iraq was aggravating the war on terror. Tony Blair was heard to growl a lot and gnash his teeth before saying that he agreed with everything the General had said. The White House rang the hot line to London, screaming down the phone, “What the hell is going on over there?! Keep the ‘truth’ under wraps or we will have to wipe all of your minds with our new mind wiping serum, so there!”

Having already had my mind wiped a few times when I was a Ninja, I was not too bothered by the threats that were emanating from the White House. What was getting on my nerves was having to listen to the confessions of army colonels, majors, and sergeant majors. The British army is (or was) well respected for its professionalism, so I shall keep such disclosures of bed-wetting, homosexuality, preference for sheep, bizarre sexual preferences (more bizarre than sheep), theft, larceny, arson, murder, bullying, buggery, and cheating at billiards, a secret (I have high standards of reporting to up hold after all).

The future of British troops in Iraq becomes more and more tenuous as more and more “truth” is revealed by the men whose task was to push democracy and Coca-Cola onto a country that was more concerned with a good old fashioned civil war that they can’t wait to get started on. What we can all be sure about is that no troops will be pulled out before Tony Blair has left office, leaving whoever is to follow him to deal with the embarrassing step down required in recalling the most truthful army in history.

“Today, I met with town renowned Chef C. Karl Cent, who taught me a fun and excellent recipe that almost anyone can do at home. It’s called the Hard Boiled Egg, and it’s becoming the latest breakfast trend in America. In this one on one interview with Chef Kent, he will explain how to master this remarkable recipe. Enjoy!

Ingredients:

Egg (1)

Boiling water

James Avalon: First of all, is this something anyone can learn to make?

Chef Kent: Probably.

JA: Okay, what’s the first step?

CK: Well, first I like to fill a pot with water and bring it to a steady boil.

JA: Really? I’m such a novice; I would have just put the egg in the empty pot!

CK: Ha-ha, yes, a lot of first-timers make that mistake.

JA: Do you watch the pot when it’s coming to a boil?

CK: No. Never.

JA: So, what happens after the water starts boiling?

CK: After the water comes to a boil, I like to open my refrigerator and pick out an egg. Then I carefully place the egg into the pot of boiling water.

JA: Okay, that makes sense.

CK: Then I let the egg boil for ten minutes.

JA: Now, when you say, “boil,” what do you mean?

CK: Boiling is a term we use in the culinary world to describe something that is being cooked by very hot water.

JA: I see. What do you do while the egg is boiling?

CK: I usually read the newspaper, but sometimes I’ll water my garden.

JA: is there a certain section of the newspaper you suggest reading while the egg is boiling?

CK: The classified ads are pretty good. If you like sports, I recommend the sports section.

JA: Does this affect the outcome of the egg?

CK: No.

JA: So, what happens after the egg boils for ten minutes?

CK: It’s done.

JA: Is there a technique to getting the egg out of the pot?

CK: Yes, there is. I find that a slotted spoon is the best utensil for removing the egg from the pot.

JA: Fascinating. Could you explain what that is, for some of our readers who might not know?

CK: It’s a spoon with slots in it, so that liquid may pass through the spoon rather than spill on to the dish that you’re preparing.

JA: Is there a technique to using this spoon?

CK: No, it just works like a regular spoon.

JA: Alright. What do you do once the egg has been removed from the pot?

CK: I put it on a plate, peel the shell off, and eat it.

JA: Oh… so, you don’t actually eat the shell?

CK: No.

Ladies and Gentlemen: there you have it, that’s how you make a Hard Boiled Egg, in a nutshell; or should I say… eggshell. For more of Chef Kent’s great recipes, please visit www.cookitupkentstyle.com.

“

“TAMPA – Once well-known actor Wesley Snipes – who used to flaunt himself across the silver screen with a variety of kicks and karate slices in a number of second-rate super-awesome-action yarns – has found himself on the run from the IRS, indicted with eight counts of tax fraud on Wednesday morning, according to The Tampa Tribune.

The IRS claims that Snipes received a $7.3 million tax deduction in 1997, which was later declared illegal, and failed to repay the sum. Snipes has also failed to file taxes since 1999, according to the IRS – which is acting as a bold statement by Snipes to the government, according to Snipes’ publicist.

“”He feels that money should not go to the IRS,”" publicist Max Clifford said to LushForLife.com correspondent Porcious Crank. “”He feels guilty about all of the things he’s done in his life,”" Clifford continued, “”and now that he is willing to right his wrongs, the IRS is trying to hold him down.”"

According to an official statement released by American Rights Litigators’ founder Eddie Ray Kahn, who prepared Snipes’ tax forms and is currently in federal custody, Snipes’ reason for withholding the funds is his desire to repay every United States citizen the money they’ve paid to see the actor’s films spanning the last 15 years.

’His intentions are selfless,’ Kahn said in an interview with LushForLife.com correspondent Arthur Rocks while both men were locked in solitary confinement below IRS Headquarters in Washington, D.C. ‘His goal is to repay all those poor souls who wasted their money on all of those films he now realizes were completely terrible.’

With films on his resume like White Men Can’t Jump, The Fan, To Wong Foo? , Demolition Man, and The Blade Trilogy, it’s hard to argue with Snipes’ claim.

’I owe the people of America and movie watchers everywhere a great deal,’ Snipes said in an over the phone interview from a payphone somewhere after he had gone missing. ‘I’m going to repay all of them, but for now, all I can say is ‘I’m Sorry’.’

In 1997, Snipes began his attempt to repay all of those who wasted their hard earned money to see Money Train. He had Khan, along with tax preparer Douglas P. Rosile Sr., claim that all of the films he had made prior to that year were not actually work, making all money earned not taxable. Though the films released by Snipes were technically trash and not considered real work by the average Joe, the legal perspective was quite different.

’It’s a conspiracy against the IRS, basically to harass the IRS, from doing its lawful job in term of collection of taxes,” US Attorney Paul I. Perez said at a news conference. ‘His films are awful, we agree, but he still owes us the money he earned.’

According to Snipes’ publicist, he will continue to stay out of the headlines and the eye of the law until his plan is successfully executed. Within the next several weeks, every legal resident of the United States will be receiving a check for $6.50 via US Mail, personally addressed to each person and signed by Snipes, in his attempt to heal the wounds all the people who’ve struggled through his awful films have endured over the course of his career.

“

“PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA – The video feed is grainy, but the scene can still be deciphered: the North Korean scientists appear to be trying to check up on their recent nuclear test, and instead are getting showered with oil.

In their recent underground nuclear testing, it seems that a Korean worker dug a little too deep, striking Texas Tea under a testing facility near Pyongyang, prompting Koreans to buy luxury cars by the dozen and sport enough bling to make Jay-Z wince.

Kim Jong-Il has finally struck it rich.

George W. “”I Will Not Withdraw Even If Laura And Barney Are The Only Ones Supporting Me”" Bush announced last night that Barney has become bored with the war in Iraq, and a full pull-out of all US military forces will begin on Monday morning. Operation “”No Thanks For The Memories”" will begin at 06h00, local time.

Bush added, “”The Brits and other Coalition Forces can stay if they like, but it’s the President’s job to have ideas. Yes, it’s my job to have good ideas, and I just had a GREAT idea.”"

All members of the United States Senate and Congress received midnight deliveries of a document entitled “”Real, actual, authentic, bona fide, genuine WMDs in North Korea.”"

Each file was accompanied by a supporting CD of images provided by the CIA. Some photographs show Kim Jong-Il and Osama Bin Laden in lewd poses, in bed together with under-aged Korean girls, while some are screenshots of over-friendly text messages, which the North Korean dictator has been sending to various US Congressional pages.

The rest of each CD is filled with pictures of Barney. That dog is so cute.

“

The Military Commissions Act gives Mr. Bush what the U.S. Supreme Court greedily denied him: the right to do basically anything to anyone the Administration deems a terrorist, and ban Internet gambling… which makes total sense. Many Libs are screaming (though not too loudly) that this is a violation of the U.S. Constitution, completely missing the point that the Constitution is more like a set of guidelines rather than fixed rules. In a short opinion piece, I don’t really have time to go into all of it, but lets look at some of the Amendments and I’ll show you what I mean:

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, free speech, yadda yadda yadda. Well, that’s just silly. First of all, it’s illegal to threaten the President, scream fire in a crowed room (I’m not sure if that applies if the room is on fire though), and completely against the law not to wear any clothes in public. Also, the thing about religion is that the government gets to decide what is a religion and what’s not. Scientologists get no tax-exempt status, why should anyone else? Number 1, gone.

Amendment II

The right to bear arms? What a joke. I’m not allowed to own a nuclear weapon. The idea that my having a shotgun I bought from Wal-Mart will help if we ever need to overthrow the powers that be is just plain ridiculous. Even if an entire city of gun-toting rednecks tried to stand up to the US Military, they would be wiped out in a matter of minutes, so lets scrap number 2.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures… well, the Patriot Act took care of that one for me; don’t even need to logic it away.

Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, without due process of law. Boy! Bush made that one easy, now! It doesn’t say the person has to be a US citizen, but the Military Commissions Act changed all that… four down.

Amendment VIII

No cruel or unusual punishments, eh? Well I guess waterboarding is not that unusual anymore… 7′s gone.

Now, there’s a little bit a lull between this one and the next. I guess that’s because those are about giving the President powers… we wouldn’t want to take any away from the poor man, would we? But we continue:

Amendment XIII

Ooooh, a good one: Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction. So you can’t punish someone without being duly convicted, hey? Well, we saw to that, didn’t we?

Amendment XVIII

No booze… well that didn’t last too long. Good thing, too, otherwise Georgie would have had to get rid of that one as well – the man likes a drink or eight every now and again: see college record and most executive decisions he’s made.

Amendment XIX

This one is probably going to stay, but I still think it was a bad idea giving women the vote.

So, at least seven are either silly, not used, or no longer applicable. Don’t you think it’s time to scrap them all and start fresh? Maybe get one of them new cool ones like Iraq’s got, where they get universal healthcare and whatnot. Sounds good to me.

Oh yeah, just one more:

Amendment XX

The terms of the President and Vice President shall end at noon on the 20th day of January after four years. THANK GOD!