WMDs Used For Good

LONDON – America is too often labeled the warmonger, the aggressor, and the arms dealer. Guns and apple pie are what America is all about, after all. What some of you may not know is that Britain is also a big fan of things that go bang.

For the past couple of decades, there has only been one year when weapons and weapons systems were not our number one export. Do you remember that British band Oasis? The year they went global was the year music was Britain’s biggest export. After that little Brit-Pop blip, it has been business as usual ever since. Like all other Arms manufacturers in America, Israel, and little old Britain, business has been booming since 9/11. There is nothing like a long and contracted war that has no conceivable or definitive end to keep the arms dealers and manufacturers happy.

Even when business is this good, the British have to feel guilty about something. British Aerospace, or BAE Systems, the largest defense contractor in Britain with 14.8 Billion pounds Sterling in sales a year, has begun research into environmentally friendly missiles and ammunition. The current drive to be green has finally reached the arms manufacturers (the tea drinking British ones, anyway).

This LushForLife.com reporter, being an Englishman myself, took the opportunity to go and visit the research and development team who are at the forefront of the most stupidly ironic idea in history.

I had wanted to meet the head of the department, a Mr. Tim “Nitro” Tylor, but he was away on a shamanic retreat taking large quantities of ayahuasca. I spoke to the Chief of Operations instead who was very keen to explain his vision for the future of warfare.

”We already have plans to take the lead out of bullets and bullet casings, but we see that as just the beginning. We have a dream; we dream of a theatre of operations that is free from the smell of petrol. Free from the heavy metals and toxins that are destroying the Earth. We dream of mines that release fertilizer into the soil to prepare the ground for better crop yields after the armies of the green revolution have made the foolish unbelievers and enemies of Britain see the light and switch to biofuels. Missile casings of the future will be lined with photovoltaic cells that will power the Tomahawks of the future. The “Daisy Cutter Bomb” that has been used in Afghanistan could be fitted with daisy seeds that could replenish any cute flowers that were destroyed in the bomb blast, thereby counteracting any damage to the target countries’ carbon quota for the year.”

After laughing hysterically for about twenty minutes, I went home and had a cup of tea. I suppose this new perspective on weapons of mass destruction as eco-friendly is a step in the right direction, but then only if you lived in Never Never Land with Peter. It seems as though Britain and America will always need to prop up their economies with new weaponry, so they may as well be green about it.

Here at the LushForLife.com headquarters, we are always keen to put new technology through its paces, so we “borrowed” one of their new “Daisy cutter” bombs and dropped it on New Zealand (they never saw it coming). Sure enough, fields of beautiful daisies have sprung up over the bombsite that used to be the set for the Lord of the Rings movie.

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