Torturous Expedition Fails To Find The Truth About Ford

“DEARBORN, MI – William Clay Ford, Jr. has kicked himself out as CEO of the Ford Motor Company, because, as replacement CEO Alan Mulally said (not very loudly), “”Nepotism is all very well, but if you suck, you suck.””

And Ford has a new killer business strategy. Double your number of management consultants, close a few manufacturing plants, retrench a third of your staff, and launch a new Expedition EL which costs $97 to fill at current gas prices.

At LushForLife.com, we reviewed this magnificent breakthrough in the business science, while the peons shivered, fearing the loss of their jobs and the closure of half of our printing presses. Before cashing in, however, Duncan Idaho called one of the Ford consultants:

’What if it doesn’t work?’ he asked.

’Oh, then we triple the management consultants, close more plants, raise the retrenchments up to fifty percent and redesign the Expedition EL to do nine miles per gallon and take $135 worth of gas (at current prices) per filling.’

The peons at L4L relaxed.

We called our LushForLife.com contact at JPMorgan Chase Bank in Bangalore, Mr. Gungah-Din Patel-Ramsbottom. He mentioned casually, off the record, that 83% of Ford management consultants were also receiving salaries from Toyota. We were about to agree a price for confirmation of this information, when George W. ‘Big Oil’ Bush announced his doubts about the Geneva Convention.

Gungah-Din suddenly knew nothing at all about Toyota, Ford, or management consultants. He told Idaho, ‘Look, Dunc, old boy? I don’t mind being water-boarded at some black site if I know it is going to come out in the New York Times, and I can look forward to you Yanks being ashamed of it? but when your own President thinks torture is a good thing? I say: Go Japs!’

The L4L persuader, Dr. Egbert SousÈ, then contacted Gungah-Din. He tried to negotiate the confirmation, or to see if there was any hint on whether the General Motors management consultants (who have supported the new, enlarged Suburban) might have ties to Honda or Nissan, but Patel-Ramsbottom was like a clam. He enthusiastically offer Egbert an upgrade on his credit card, with 5000 free frequent flyer miles, and a complimentary calculator (with built-in laser pointer) if he accepted within the next 30 minutes.

SousÈ’s collection of 781 junky complimentary calculators has every built-in feature know to humankind except a laser pointer, so he accepted the offer after 29 minutes of deep thought. Unfortunately, when it arrived, he used the laser light to tease his cat, which responded by savaging him viciously. He has been in ‘very serious condition’ in the waiting room of the Triage Unit of a nearby hospital for the last three weeks. (Like so many Americans, he has no medical insurance, and cannot be admitted to the actual Intensive Care Unit.)

He has, however, received numerous visits from lawyers and is suing JPMorgan Chase Bank, William Clay Ford, Jr., Ford Motor Company, Alan Mulally, the New York Times, and General Motors for massive damages. Class actions against manufacturers of laser pointers and cat magazines will begin shortly.

He also receives regular visits from salesmen from his local Ford and GM dealers, who are showing him how to use the proceeds from his lawsuits to buy the new Expedition EL or Suburban (and to fuel them). He now looks forward to driving a vehicle whose size will always remind him that Americans have bigger penises than the Japanese.

Please email any offers of a good home for one cat (slightly temperamental) to SigfriedNRoy@lushforlife.com.

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