Texas Oil, Prostitution Lead To Coup d’Tet

BANGKOK – A recent investigation conducted by LushForLife.com reporters has revealed the true reason for the military takeover in Thailand. Initially, the motives behind the overthrow of former Thailand Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra led by General Sondhi Boonyaratkalin were unclear, though following an investigation by this news team, the facts are beginning to roll in brisk fashion.

This report was wired by head correspondent Arthur Rocks to LushForLife.com headquarters in Tampa, Florida, early this morning:

According to local insiders here in Bangkok, former Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra was lured to New York by the United Nations for a meeting with other U.N. officials. While away, General Sondhi Boonyaratkalin, in conjunction with Texas oil tycoon T. Boone Pickens and local Thailand underground prostitution rings, the coup was executed without a single shot being fired.

 

According to Rocks, oil tycoon Pickens is currently engaged in an off-shore entrepreneurship with Bangkok pimps to establish a full-flowing, well-greased prostitution business that will allow the already massive and lucrative business of selling sexual relations with underage girls to further flourish.

’Our idealistic vision of Bangkok has finally been set into motion,’ local pimp and entrepreneur Khanif Baekiidj said to LushForLife.com correspondent Rob Johnson. ‘Thanks to Mr. Pickens and General Sondhi, Bangkok is finally going to be something special.’

Though the prostitution rings in Bangkok are already a lucrative business, soliciting sex is currently technically illegal. Law enforcers have turned the other cheek in the past, allowing the solicitation of over 30,000 teenage women to run rampant without significant legal regard. With the new regime established, all legal ramifications are expected to dissolve.

’We will see a new and glorious day arrive in Bangkok, with rivers that flow of milk and honey, and more sweet, fresh poon-tang for all as far as the eye can see,’ General Sondhi Boonyaratkalin said from the balcony atop his presidential suite to a crowd of tens of thousands of cheering, seedy perverts. ‘Now any man take legally take what is rightfully his without the risk of persecution.’

Following the speech, a collection of naked teenage hookers were dragged out into the town square and thrown to the masses. All young women from the crowd were seized and taken to an underground cellar guarded by Thai military soldiers, where they were deloused with lye and sent back into the crowd of thousands – which had already begun fornicating with the available fresh meat. The sexual depravity continued to occur without intermission in downtown Bangkok for 36 hours, until all existing and newly acquired prostitutes were no longer conscious. Some remote groups of twisted scoundrels continued to engage in sexual intercourse with the unconscious girls until they apparently were disinterested, when they left to hit up the pubs to drink and play Russian roulette.

’I think sex with an untapped, petite little sucky-sucky is a business that can continue to grow and be a good thing for all involved,’ T. Boone Pickens said to Arthur Rocks during an interview in a Bangkok brothel. ‘People back in the states may think I’m going haywire, but dad-blame it, when you see that sweet little pink beaver up in your face, I think they’ll reconsider.’

In other news, President Bush and his cabinet have declared the situation in Thailand to be ‘severe and in need of immediate attention,’ and are scheduled to make a special trip to Bangkok to discuss future trade agreements between the new military regime and the United States.

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