October Horoscopes

Aries: Lookin’ for love in all the wrong places? Yep, that’s you. Stop hanging out at bus stops and crack dens looking for that certain special someone. Look instead at a retirement center. Mr./Ms. Right is there, waiting for you with toothless gums, ready to give you the best oral sex of your life.

Taurus: Some people never learn… much like you. Stop studying for that pesky test; cheat off your neighbor. That is the only way you will pass, stupid. We have test that prove you are stupid, so why waste all that time? Get drunk, instead.

Cancer: You dumb shit. Didn’t you hear? Spinach is infected with e. coli. You just had to have that white spinach pizza, didn’t you? Turn on the news, once in a while, and then maybe you wouldn’t be dead.

Sagittarius: The weight-loss regimen you are trying will not work. You won’t care, though, because you will become addicted to cocaine, and when you run out of money and begin sucking dick for blow, you will totally shed some serious pounds.

Capricorn: Do no attempt to fain illness this month to get out of work and go on that Internet date. Your companion will turn out to be your boss, in drag. He will deny being Isabelle (the woman you thought you were speaking to for the last month), and claim that he was following you in disguise to find out if you were really sick. You will be fired.

Virgo: Good news! You will discover that you are one of the most naturally gifted swimmers the world has ever known, thanks to the keen eye of a YMCA lifeguard. Unfortunately you will be transferred to a small mining town in Western Nebraska, in which not one swimming pool, lake, or kiddie pool exists.

Gemini: In a horrible coffee accident, you will loose the sensation to taste spicy foods for the next five months. My advice is to make sure you have medical insurance, as you will not find out about the disorder until you have given yourself a stomach ulcer from drenching everything you eat in Tabasco sauce.

Scorpio: Format your hard drive, you sick son of a bitch! All of that kiddie porn is sure to get you arrested. Then again, you deserve it, pervert?

Pisces: While watching a weekly NFL football game, you will trip over a large collection of audio cables, falling on the coffee table and spilling all of your friend’s beers. Upon further review from instant replays your roommate records from his digital streaming security cameras, it will be determined you were attempting to ‘tuck’ the beer bottles as you were falling, and will you will not be held responsible for wasting all the beer.

Libra: While at a dance club, you will attempt to perform a new dance you saw on in an Arabic music video. You will inadvertently injure a shot girl who is on the dance floor, but instead of being thrown out, you will be offered a job as the headline performer at a gay bar down the street.

Leo: After arriving home from a night at a dance club, you will be incredibly drunk and will write a new rambling, drunken blog on myspace. Your blog will work its way through the channels of the Internet, and literary critics will dissect your writing and deem you a visionary writer superior to Hemingway. As a result, you will find yourself on a panel show with Pat O’Brien, discussing the important happenings in the lives of celebrities.

Taurus: On the arrival of the new moon, you will find an urge to strip naked and roll around in your bathroom tub, full of raw pork sausages and pig uteruses. You will tell your friends what you did, and it will become a new thing to do on Tuesday nights.

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