NASA Discovers Origins of Woman

“WASHINGTON – The permafrost in the Arctic Circle is melting and releasing methane gasses into the atmosphere, accelerating global warming a lot faster than expected.

Global warming threatens the environment and the wooly-minded comfort zones of creationists and Bush-huggers alike, but is it an immediate threat to the international economy?

Yes, because the melting glaciers are revealing more than pieces of frozen mammoths.

The latest discovery: a perfectly preserved flying saucer, which Canadian and American scientists have determined brought the first female homo sapiens to earth.

DNA tests have confirmed that the original woman known as “”Eve”” arrived from a planet of unknown origin in this craft, which is decorated with an elaborately-lettered banner. NASA has deciphered this banner to read:

’A Dame’s Haberdashery

Ribbons and Lace: 50% off all month!’

Men losing it in translation as usual? A’dam’s rib’ indeed! Probably some poor scribe fantasizing about sinking his teeth into charred flesh coated in barbeque sauce, instead of whatever nasty vegetarian gruel they supplied at the monastery.

Now, here is the part of economic interest. Wedged under the captain’s seat, pinned there by the somewhat unfortunately miscalculated impact of the vehicle with the earth’s surface, the discoverers found a phrase book.

(Shut up about parking skills. When we want your comments about parking, driving, or impacting skills, we’ll ask for them, okay? Any more sniping and we’ll tell JPMorgan Chase Bank that you want a new credit card, get all your telephone numbers, and send the details to every call center in Bangalore.)

Yes, a forgotten translation/phrase book. Sadly lost long ago, but now removed from the possession of NASA by the Federal Reserve. It has been determined that the contents cannot be released, ever, for fear of major negative consequences for the USA, and world, consumer economy.

However, Duncan Idaho has been hacking again, and L4L has obtained a copy of part of the book. We will share excepts with our readers, on the basis that L4L is already in deep doo-doo with Google, Karl Rove, and other powers-that-be, and we don’t give a flying f? er, saucer whether we get in any deeper.

Excepts include:

q Do not say: ‘Do these jeans make my butt look fat?’ Rather, explain to him: ‘Tell me you adore me and that I am gorgeous, or I am going shopping, now, irrespective of the credit card balance.’

q Do not say: ‘I want a man who cares about me and listens to me.’ Rather, explain to him: ‘Listen to me whine about my mother for ten minutes, three times per week, and take me to dinner twice a month without my having to ask, or make the reservations, or I am going shopping, now, irrespective of the credit card balance.’

q Do not say: ‘You’re a slob who doesn’t love me.’ Rather, explain to him: ‘Put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket and your dirty dishes in the dishwasher 90% of the time, and tell me you love me three times each week, or I am going shopping, now, irrespective of the credit card balance.’

The identities of the NASA scientists working on the ‘Eve’ discovery were a closely guarded secret, but the team names were revealed to LushForLife.com by a contact at JPMorgan Chase Bank in Bangalore.

L4L contacted the men and all reported that, since the discovery, they have paid off all credit card debt, seen record gains in their credit report scores, and had more blowjobs than most men have in a lifetime.

Their lives are now almost completely problem-free, apart from ceaseless calls from Bangalore telemarketers, obsessively offering them new credit cards, and friends who pester them for the classified secret of plentiful oral sex.

Comments

comments

Tags: , , ,

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro

crackberry

This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]