Mathematics: Cause Of Rainforest Destruction

“LORETO, PERU – The main cause of the continuing destruction of the world’s rainforests was discovered, Monday, by an outraged Pennsylvania State University student.

PSU student Parker Ramis stumbled across his jaw-dropping discovery while engaged in the middle of solving an algebraic equation. “”I had reached my fifth sheet of paper, and still had more than half of the problem to go,”” Ramis said to former NFL quarterback and newly acquired correspondent Rob Johnson. “”It was a complex, convoluted problem my professor assigned to me for kicks. In the middle of it, I realized how many trees where cut down so we could solve these problems. I literally broke into tears…””

Ramis’ discovery was cross-referenced with scientists at the Rainforest Conservation Fund, located in Loreto, Peru, as well as shipping records from the South American region to major universities throughout the United States.

“”I’d say half the trees that are removed from here go towards mathematics students,”” Harold Zidler, a volunteer at the RCF, said. “”Our studies reflect that most people go through their first tree by the age of 9 or 10 – or whenever long division comes into the equation. Pun not intended,”” Zidler joked. “”Those at fault are mainly students who enter graduate schools – because they tend to use far more paper to solve their problems than anyone else. About twice as much as the average undergraduate – who goes through three acres of trees himself.””

The epidemic that continues to grow seems to have no end in sight, according to Zidler.

’You could use calculators and computers,’ he said, ‘but most of these upper level teachers are old-school purists, and require their students to write it out.’

Upon further investigation by reporters on various university campuses around the nation, many examples of Ramis’ and Zidler’s suspicions continued to arise.

’We receive shipments of trees, direct from the Amazon, three times a week,’ University of Illinois Administrator Dennis Haskins said to Arthur Rocks. ‘Both ourselves and other schools throughout the country have established a multi-billion dollar account with various shipping companies,’ Haskins said as he deliberately gave himself paper cuts by slicing his forearm with a copy of UI’s UPS contract. ‘Our orders shift the market more than anyone else. As a unit, we receive more paper than Starbucks does coffee beans. We give Xerox a hard-on.’

Following university investigation, staff approached Gallup for any information they may have regarding the over-usage of paper by upper-level mathematics students.

According to a Gallup poll, which was conducted in December 2004 (but whose results were never released due to the drastic effect the numbers would have on world economy), the average student who graduates high school has wasted over 100 acres of trees in their lives; a two-year degree grad goes through 200 acres; a student who completes a four-year degree compiles over 500 acres; and graduate level and above vary from 1000 to 5000 acres of trees per student, depending on the primary area of study.

The most wasteful students were Accounting majors and majors in Business Administration. The most conserving weren’t students at all; they were restaurant line cooks.

It appears the newly discovered information has prompted a large number of vegan tree-huggers and displaced hippies to drop out of school and get jobs in a kitchen wherever they can.



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