Lucky Strike Creates ‘Healthy Cigarette’

“RALEIGH-DURHAM, NC – Did anyone ever tell you about the secret to Lucky Strikes‘ success? Back in the old days, before the Government had realized that the devil lurked inside the evil green weed known as marijuana, Lucky Strike Cigarettes were actually lucky. Once in while, you came across a “”special”” cigarette laced with prime Kentucky marijuana. I heard this story was an urban legend; a myth told to stoners from coast to coast.

My sources at the Centre for Healthy Smoking and YOU have informed of a new sales technique to lure those pesky health conscious types who gave up smoking or were not cool enough to get hooked on American tobacco in the first place.

Mr. Carr-Cinogen, spokesperson for Lucky Strike Cigarettes, coughed and hacked up a statement that most of the media in the press conference could not make out, so we just read his draft of the speech, instead, while Mr. Carr-Cinogen smoked a cigar. What follows is an extract of the speech with stage direction as it was written:

“”My fellow Americans, we the supporters of tobacco farmers and higher medical insurance, greet you. It is our proud duty to announce that, beginning tomorrow, one cigarette in twenty will not contain tobacco. That one cigarette will be a ‘healthy’ cigarette, containing 0% nicotine. Our focus groups and highly advanced team of experts have tapped into the world’s view on cigarettes. We believe we have found what the world wants from it’s smoking experience… (pause for dramatic affect… look at the media with a tear in your eye).

“”They want a cigarette that does not kill them. They want to be able to get through the year without a hacking cough or chest infection. They want to be able to walk up the stairs with out puffing or panting. They want to make the most of their erections while they still have them. They want to remember the taste of food, again.

“”We at Lucky Strike are presenting to the smoking public a pack of cigs that kills you that little bit slower thanks to the one “”lucky”” cigarette with no tobacco in it. We see this as a bold new step in increasing the number of smokers around the world. Our new slogan will be “”Lets all die slowly; let’s kill ourselves together.””

We at the headquarters bought a pack of the new Lucky Strikes and used sniffer dogs to locate the so called “”healthy cigarette””, sending it straight to our onsite forensic lab that is light years ahead of anything you civilians have seen on CSI: Miami. Ten minutes and two commercial breaks later,the result of the “”healthy cigarettes’ came in. Floor sweepings from a Ku Klux Clan barn dance proved to be the main ingredient, combined with trace elements of horseshit. Our chief forensic scientist on our pay role said in his report:

“”Although the chemical components to the ‘healthy cigarettes’ are full of some seriously narrow-minded and smelly crap, it won’t kill you, unlike these other cancer sticks.””




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