Dimpled Chads More Than Just Ploy To Elect Retard

“TALLAHASSEE – Though many people around the globe consider the 2000 Presidential Election a bullshit farce, the true feces is only now beginning to hit the proverbial fan.

In Florida, thousands of votes were thrown out as ineligible, as vote counters worried themselves with who the voter intended to choose, instead of who they actually chose.

After all of the votes by blacks and other invalid persons were trashed, George W. “”I Was Never in the”” Bush was “”elected”” President of the United States of America, sparking a revolution to replace all “”analog”” voting machines, which were way too complicated, with new digital machines that are supposed to be just as easy to use as answering a cell phone.

With little fight, the digital voting machines began showing up at the polls (30 percent in 2004, up from 10 percent in 2000). At last count, 80 percent of voting precincts are scheduled to have digital voting machines for the 2006 general election.

The conspiracy that LushForLife.com has uncovered, however, has little to do with the 2000 election.

Though a majority of Americans believe that the botched election results were designed to install a retarded Texan in the White House, we at L4L have discovered that the true intention was to hand all voting over to SKYNET, Inc., manufacturers of digital voting machines.

With SKYNET in control, actual votes will not figure into the final equation, as SKYNET will use its built-in artificial intelligence to determine how voters actually intended to vote, based on advanced algorithms designed by top mathematicians at the University of Central Florida.

Mathematicians and statisticians at Florida A & M contributed an alternate, politically correct algorithm strain, but it was dumped after being considered ‘too black’.

Now when voters go to the polls, they will be put through a rigorous examination and a lie detector test to determine how they should vote. Included in the exam are questions to determine political stance, such as race, income, and drug use.

The algorithm used to determine party allegiance is actually quite simple:

{A (INCOME) + B (RACE [White=1, Non-white=0]) + C (BUSINESS OWNER? [Yes=1, No=0]), + D (IF C=1[Big Business=1, Small Business=-1) + E (AGE [>65=1, <65=0}/A

If the answer is greater than 1, all votes are automatically cast for the GOP. If the answer is less than or equal to one, their vote is automatically thrown out.

White House officials promise that this will make for the most accurate vote in American History, as members of the ACLU call it, ‘the most ridiculous thing we’ve seen since segregation.’

Rioting in select major cities is scheduled for Election Day, but we wouldn’t count on it, as most voters are expected to have more important things to do.

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