Dear Dr. Belvedere

Dr. Audrielle Belvedere is the resident Psychoanalyst at LushForLife.com’s main headquarters in Tampa, Florida. She will be answering your questions in a semi-regular fashion, giving blunt, frank advice to the sick minds that patronize the pages of L4L.


 

Dear Dr. Belvedere,

The last few weeks have been really tough. My girlfriend dumped me, my dog died in a freak power-boating accident, and my company fired me when they caught me doing cocaine in the women’s bathroom. I’m feeling really depressed and now want to end my life. Do you have any suggestions as to the best way for me to kill myself to maximize the feelings of guilt in the people who’ve hurt me?

-Coked Up in Columbus

Dear Coked Up,

Sounds like you have some serious issues here, Coked Up. First off, might there be some correlation here between the break up with your girlfriend and you spending time in the woman’s bathroom facilities? You may be suffering from a cocaine-induced gender identity crisis. In the scientific world, we consider this a genetic mutation that we call “”the queer placebo””. Now, are you sure that the person who broke up with you was a woman? Normally, with cases such as these, we prescribe a series of treatments, ranging from hiring transvestite swingers to perform absurd sexual acts (that normally relieves the problem), and we also use a drug called ‘dopephrine,’ which will trigger the ‘straight gene’ in your cerebellum, causing you to experience a euphoric state. While it has not been approved by the FDA, it has been known to cause sudden bowel evacuation (in laymen’s terms: shitting yourself), sometimes followed by acute convulsions of the pelvic region. People sometimes don’t mind this and enjoy its recreational uses, as well. After trying this, you will be well on your way to recovery.

Now as for your suicidal thoughts, if the aforementioned treatments do not alleviate your problems and you are adamant about taking your own life and wish to inflict guilt upon those around you, consider the following: Any self mutilation directed towards the genital region is always a good option, which may consist of irregularly twisting, cutting, and relocation of the genitals, etc. However, steer clear of conventional suicidal plans, as they are boring, overused, and fail to attract the attention of the majority. People want to hear horrific, sick, twisted plots to spark their imagination and provoke nightmares and fear in their pathetic, meaningless lives. Without this, your suicide will aimlessly fall into the renowned book entitled ‘The Book of Losers.””

Lastly, I feel more for your poor canine that anything else.


 

Dear Dr. Belvedere,

I am completely in love with a fictional character from a popular cartoon. Is there any chance that we will ever be together?

– Dazed in Delaware

Dear Dazed,

I have had many cases like this and, surprisingly enough, there have been many stories of successful relationships. First off, I would recommend you obtain as many pictures and artifacts as possible of this character and display them obnoxiously around your house. Display the pictures in areas such as the bathroom, living room, closet, and, of course, your bedroom. This will give the illusion that they live with you and you will learn to be respectful of their space at all times. Try to plan a romantic evening for you and this character that now resides with you at least twice a week. The traditional dining choices, wine, sappy movies, followed by making love, is always a plus. Since you cannot be physical with this character, instead of making love, you can simply masturbate continuously with descriptive visions of this character replaying in your mind.

Try not to get too involved, because you never can really tell how faithful your partner will be, as they could be residing in the homes of several other gentlemen experiencing the same things you are.


 

Dear Dr. Belvedere,

 

My girlfriend used to orgasm every time we had sex, but it doesn’t happen anymore. It seems that she can only go if she has her vibrator, which she has named ‘Rusty,’ and has even written him a life story. Do I have a chance?

– Rejected in Richmond

Dear Rejected,

Sounds like your girlfriend was abused sometime in her life and that it involved some metal beam, old rod, and/or dirty metal part. She has some emotional affiliation with this vibrator and connects with ‘him’ on a deeper level that she does with you. If an inanimate object is taking up more free time with her than she is giving you, I would be concerned. Or, you could always try to dip your private parts in a metal liquid and let large quantities of water run over them and in a short time, your new nickname will be ‘Rusty’ and you can take his place. Also, role-playing will be helpful after this is done and you can simply reenact the lifeline of her vibrator, ‘Rusty.””

I also seriously recommend that your girlfriend get a tetanus shot.

 

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