Aries: Lookin’ for love in all the wrong places? Yep, that’s you. Stop hanging out at bus stops and crack dens looking for that certain special someone. Look instead at a retirement center. Mr./Ms. Right is there, waiting for you with toothless gums, ready to give you the best oral sex of your life.

Taurus: Some people never learn… much like you. Stop studying for that pesky test; cheat off your neighbor. That is the only way you will pass, stupid. We have test that prove you are stupid, so why waste all that time? Get drunk, instead.

Cancer: You dumb shit. Didn’t you hear? Spinach is infected with e. coli. You just had to have that white spinach pizza, didn’t you? Turn on the news, once in a while, and then maybe you wouldn’t be dead.

Sagittarius: The weight-loss regimen you are trying will not work. You won’t care, though, because you will become addicted to cocaine, and when you run out of money and begin sucking dick for blow, you will totally shed some serious pounds.

Capricorn: Do no attempt to fain illness this month to get out of work and go on that Internet date. Your companion will turn out to be your boss, in drag. He will deny being Isabelle (the woman you thought you were speaking to for the last month), and claim that he was following you in disguise to find out if you were really sick. You will be fired.

Virgo: Good news! You will discover that you are one of the most naturally gifted swimmers the world has ever known, thanks to the keen eye of a YMCA lifeguard. Unfortunately you will be transferred to a small mining town in Western Nebraska, in which not one swimming pool, lake, or kiddie pool exists.

Gemini: In a horrible coffee accident, you will loose the sensation to taste spicy foods for the next five months. My advice is to make sure you have medical insurance, as you will not find out about the disorder until you have given yourself a stomach ulcer from drenching everything you eat in Tabasco sauce.

Scorpio: Format your hard drive, you sick son of a bitch! All of that kiddie porn is sure to get you arrested. Then again, you deserve it, pervert?

Pisces: While watching a weekly NFL football game, you will trip over a large collection of audio cables, falling on the coffee table and spilling all of your friend’s beers. Upon further review from instant replays your roommate records from his digital streaming security cameras, it will be determined you were attempting to ‘tuck’ the beer bottles as you were falling, and will you will not be held responsible for wasting all the beer.

Libra: While at a dance club, you will attempt to perform a new dance you saw on in an Arabic music video. You will inadvertently injure a shot girl who is on the dance floor, but instead of being thrown out, you will be offered a job as the headline performer at a gay bar down the street.

Leo: After arriving home from a night at a dance club, you will be incredibly drunk and will write a new rambling, drunken blog on myspace. Your blog will work its way through the channels of the Internet, and literary critics will dissect your writing and deem you a visionary writer superior to Hemingway. As a result, you will find yourself on a panel show with Pat O’Brien, discussing the important happenings in the lives of celebrities.

Taurus: On the arrival of the new moon, you will find an urge to strip naked and roll around in your bathroom tub, full of raw pork sausages and pig uteruses. You will tell your friends what you did, and it will become a new thing to do on Tuesday nights.

LONDON – America is too often labeled the warmonger, the aggressor, and the arms dealer. Guns and apple pie are what America is all about, after all. What some of you may not know is that Britain is also a big fan of things that go bang.

For the past couple of decades, there has only been one year when weapons and weapons systems were not our number one export. Do you remember that British band Oasis? The year they went global was the year music was Britain’s biggest export. After that little Brit-Pop blip, it has been business as usual ever since. Like all other Arms manufacturers in America, Israel, and little old Britain, business has been booming since 9/11. There is nothing like a long and contracted war that has no conceivable or definitive end to keep the arms dealers and manufacturers happy.

Even when business is this good, the British have to feel guilty about something. British Aerospace, or BAE Systems, the largest defense contractor in Britain with 14.8 Billion pounds Sterling in sales a year, has begun research into environmentally friendly missiles and ammunition. The current drive to be green has finally reached the arms manufacturers (the tea drinking British ones, anyway).

This LushForLife.com reporter, being an Englishman myself, took the opportunity to go and visit the research and development team who are at the forefront of the most stupidly ironic idea in history.

I had wanted to meet the head of the department, a Mr. Tim “Nitro” Tylor, but he was away on a shamanic retreat taking large quantities of ayahuasca. I spoke to the Chief of Operations instead who was very keen to explain his vision for the future of warfare.

”We already have plans to take the lead out of bullets and bullet casings, but we see that as just the beginning. We have a dream; we dream of a theatre of operations that is free from the smell of petrol. Free from the heavy metals and toxins that are destroying the Earth. We dream of mines that release fertilizer into the soil to prepare the ground for better crop yields after the armies of the green revolution have made the foolish unbelievers and enemies of Britain see the light and switch to biofuels. Missile casings of the future will be lined with photovoltaic cells that will power the Tomahawks of the future. The “Daisy Cutter Bomb” that has been used in Afghanistan could be fitted with daisy seeds that could replenish any cute flowers that were destroyed in the bomb blast, thereby counteracting any damage to the target countries’ carbon quota for the year.”

After laughing hysterically for about twenty minutes, I went home and had a cup of tea. I suppose this new perspective on weapons of mass destruction as eco-friendly is a step in the right direction, but then only if you lived in Never Never Land with Peter. It seems as though Britain and America will always need to prop up their economies with new weaponry, so they may as well be green about it.

Here at the LushForLife.com headquarters, we are always keen to put new technology through its paces, so we “borrowed” one of their new “Daisy cutter” bombs and dropped it on New Zealand (they never saw it coming). Sure enough, fields of beautiful daisies have sprung up over the bombsite that used to be the set for the Lord of the Rings movie.

“TAMPA – The LushForLife.com Research Director’s memorandum read: “”Everything is Stupid – Update”".

He’s very cryptic. This is fine, because at L4L, we know that our key mission is to prove that everything is stupid (except emus).

L4L has a mission, a vision, and values – like all organizations. Like most corporates, we moronically wear our mission statements on doglike-tags around our necks, we dumb-down our environment with company motivational posters, and we drool through condescending homilies from management. (Now wait! The company shirt is not really stupid, as it saves us peons money, and kisses-up at the same time.)

However, at L4L, we go further. We have elaborate tattoos of our MV&V on ourselves, our significant others, our children and pets. Our permanent implants identify us as the contractual property of L4L, and we have signed watertight contracts that prevent our working for any other employer for the rest of our lives. It’s really stupid.

So who and what else are leading the pack in the mind-numbingly brainless stakes this week?

1. Tofu, the tasteless crap that you buy when your friends become vegetarians. It takes forever to make it taste like food, and all subsequent conversation focuses on the stupid business of congratulating the chef who succeeds.

2. Democrats who can’t stop whining about Bush long enough to craft a clear, simple message (about 8 words would be good, 10 at a pinch) to look good for the November elections.

3. $100 million dollar genetic maps of the mouse brain (see www.alleninstitute.org). Don’t you think Microsoft’s Paul Allen could have used the money to improve the software?

4. Operas. Specifically Mozart’s “Idomeneo” featuring the severed head of the Prophet Mohammed. And yes, Berlin’s Deutsche Opera has cancelled the production.

5. Television talk shows where dense-skulled idiots repeat cast-in-stone views to other dim-wits, with different but equally non-negotiable views, while neither has any ability to hear or consider anything other than his or her own position.

Sadly, L4L is still struggling to prove that Reza Aslan (author of ‘No God but God’) is stupid. We may even have to add him to emus. Please email any dirt on the guy to only-emus@lushforlife.com.

“

When I was just a wee depressed and alienated youth of the counterculture, there was a place for everyone. All fit into their place like pieces in a puzzle, and there was usually a reason for it. The easiest to place was always the fat girl. They went one place: with the Goth kids.

The Goths accepted the fat girls because they were the outcasts of the time, always needing new recruits to bolster their small numbers. The fat girls could go there, or to the cheerleading B squad, invariably known as the (high school mascot)-ettes. But what insecure female blubber factory wants to expose herself to the entire school?

Joining the Goth kids was an easy choice, as they all wore enough makeup to make Marcel Marceau blush, and wore black denim bed sheets as clothing with chains and other flair to draw your attention from their sickening obesity.

Now, though, fat girls have latched onto what is called Emo, which is short for emotionally disabled, I think. They are, most unfortunately, living in a world that tries to convince everyone that they are special, and that they can do whatever they want to do. This includes exposing way too much skin.

I don’t mind a cute, fit teenybopper prancing around in the tight-fitting garb of the day, but have you seen one of these fat Emo girls? No? Imagine: tight jeans, hugging below the hips, a two-sizes-too-small tee-shirt, and a boys’ haircut. Now, add a hundred and fifty pounds to what you were thinking, and you’re almost there.

All of a sudden, fatties think they are hot, and are so quick to turn up their pudgy noses at ‘boys’ that they must be getting whip lashed. It’s disgusting.

Now, fatties are entitled to exist, sure. Hell, I’m a fatass, myself, but I understand my limitations and dress accordingly, as should a 250-pound seventeen-year-old girl. But they don’t.

I propose that we shove the likes of Marilyn Manson and Bauhaus and Nine Inch Nails back into the limelight, consequences be damned. I don’t care if kids start cutting themselves and committing suicide left and right, as long as the cows start covering up their damned udders with some nice, thick, black fabric and paint their faces to a level of white that does not exist in nature.

I want a little humility in my women. I’ll take a depressed, weeping Goth chic over a self-obsessed Emo whore any day of the week.

Here’s a test to see if you should wear that revealing outfit, girls. Put on your skimpiest thong, letting the straps ride around your hips. Okay. Now, stand up straight. Can you see the strap, or is it buried inside a thirty-pound love handle? If it’s not there, run to Hot Topic and buy the biggest pair of Jncos you can find? If that doesn’t work, I hear burqas are making a big splash in Hollywood?

“DALLAS – The recent drug overdose by Dallas Cowboys’ flamboyant and outspoken wide receiver Terrell Owens – which was originally reported as a suicide attempt – is now being reported as a botched pharmaceutical and alcohol binge between Owens and right-wing talk radio personality Rush Limbaugh.

Initial reports early this morning out of Dallas was that Owens purposefully ingested the remainder of his pain killer medication with the intention of taking his own life, though upon further investigation by LushForLife.com reporters, it appears he and Limbaugh were simply out to get some weird kicks during their weekly brain-storming session.

“”Like I’ve said before,”" Limbaugh said to LushForLife.com correspondent Rob Johnson, “”don’t believe a damn word you hear in the news about me. The liberals will twist everything I do into a shit-storm.”"

This is not the first time Limbaugh has been implicated in possessing illegal pharmaceuticals, and also not the first time Owens has found himself in the limelight of constant media debate and blathering.

Before the overdose, the relationship between Limbaugh and Owens had been unknown to the public. It appears that Limbaugh was assisting Owens in the writing of a new book, a joint effort between the two, entitled T.O. and What The Liberals Want You to Think. The book chronicles the last year of Owens’ life, and is scattered with right wing, Democrat-hating blabber, and Eagles and Donovan McNabb bashing throughout the text.

The relationship between the two was ignited over a year ago, when both men met for the first time at a cockfight in Tijuana, Mexico. They initially hit it off because of their shared hatred for Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb.

Limbaugh was abruptly fired from ESPN’s NFL Sunday Countdown in 2003 when he said that McNabb was a mediocre quarterback at best, and was only popular and well-liked because the NFL wants to see a black quarterback succeed. Owens, like Limbaugh, had a complete falling out with his former team and quarterback, when he blamed the Eagles Superbowl loss on McNabb.

’Rush is a guy that gets me,’ Owens said from Baylor University Hospital on Wednesday. ‘I love me some me, I love me some Rush, and Rush loves him some me and some him and some vicodin.

’He gets some real good stuff too,’ Owens said before snapping a urine soaked towel on the ass of the nurse changing his bedpan.

As reported by head LushForLife.com correspondent Arthur Rocks, Limbaugh and Owens were engaged in their weekly vicodin, percocet, and tequila binge while brain storming new ideas for their new book when Owens collapsed from an oxycodone overdose. Reportedly, Limbaugh called paramedics before fleeing the scene, and was replaced by Owens’ publicist.

’We wanted to keep the progression of or new book completely under wraps,’ Limbaugh said, ‘so the liberals couldn’t smother their filthy opinions all over it.’

It appears that not only do Owens and Limbaugh share the same opinions of McNabb and bad literature, but also for their abuse of pain killers.

The duo’s next scheduled trip to Canada to acquire a new stash of pharmies will no doubt be put on hold as Owens recovers from this overdose, and then recovers from whatever verbal and physical abuse he will undoubtedly receive from Dallas Cowboys head coach Bill Parcells, for not only his obvious drug problem, but also directly consorting with members of the media.

When Parcells was asked to comment on the issue, he simply replied, ‘No comment,’ and was quickly followed by, ‘This guy is insane.’ It is still unclear whether the coach was referring to his brash receiver or the delusional right wing journalist. Either way the Tuna has got it right.

“

“TALLAHASSEE – Though many people around the globe consider the 2000 Presidential Election a bullshit farce, the true feces is only now beginning to hit the proverbial fan.

In Florida, thousands of votes were thrown out as ineligible, as vote counters worried themselves with who the voter intended to choose, instead of who they actually chose.

After all of the votes by blacks and other invalid persons were trashed, George W. “”I Was Never in the”" Bush was “”elected”" President of the United States of America, sparking a revolution to replace all “”analog”" voting machines, which were way too complicated, with new digital machines that are supposed to be just as easy to use as answering a cell phone.

With little fight, the digital voting machines began showing up at the polls (30 percent in 2004, up from 10 percent in 2000). At last count, 80 percent of voting precincts are scheduled to have digital voting machines for the 2006 general election.

The conspiracy that LushForLife.com has uncovered, however, has little to do with the 2000 election.

Though a majority of Americans believe that the botched election results were designed to install a retarded Texan in the White House, we at L4L have discovered that the true intention was to hand all voting over to SKYNET, Inc., manufacturers of digital voting machines.

With SKYNET in control, actual votes will not figure into the final equation, as SKYNET will use its built-in artificial intelligence to determine how voters actually intended to vote, based on advanced algorithms designed by top mathematicians at the University of Central Florida.

Mathematicians and statisticians at Florida A & M contributed an alternate, politically correct algorithm strain, but it was dumped after being considered ‘too black’.

Now when voters go to the polls, they will be put through a rigorous examination and a lie detector test to determine how they should vote. Included in the exam are questions to determine political stance, such as race, income, and drug use.

The algorithm used to determine party allegiance is actually quite simple:

{A (INCOME) + B (RACE [White=1, Non-white=0]) + C (BUSINESS OWNER? [Yes=1, No=0]), + D (IF C=1[Big Business=1, Small Business=-1) + E (AGE [>65=1, <65=0}/A

If the answer is greater than 1, all votes are automatically cast for the GOP. If the answer is less than or equal to one, their vote is automatically thrown out.

White House officials promise that this will make for the most accurate vote in American History, as members of the ACLU call it, ‘the most ridiculous thing we’ve seen since segregation.’

Rioting in select major cities is scheduled for Election Day, but we wouldn’t count on it, as most voters are expected to have more important things to do.

“

“DEARBORN, MI – William Clay Ford, Jr. has kicked himself out as CEO of the Ford Motor Company, because, as replacement CEO Alan Mulally said (not very loudly), “”Nepotism is all very well, but if you suck, you suck.”"

And Ford has a new killer business strategy. Double your number of management consultants, close a few manufacturing plants, retrench a third of your staff, and launch a new Expedition EL which costs $97 to fill at current gas prices.

At LushForLife.com, we reviewed this magnificent breakthrough in the business science, while the peons shivered, fearing the loss of their jobs and the closure of half of our printing presses. Before cashing in, however, Duncan Idaho called one of the Ford consultants:

’What if it doesn’t work?’ he asked.

’Oh, then we triple the management consultants, close more plants, raise the retrenchments up to fifty percent and redesign the Expedition EL to do nine miles per gallon and take $135 worth of gas (at current prices) per filling.’

The peons at L4L relaxed.

We called our LushForLife.com contact at JPMorgan Chase Bank in Bangalore, Mr. Gungah-Din Patel-Ramsbottom. He mentioned casually, off the record, that 83% of Ford management consultants were also receiving salaries from Toyota. We were about to agree a price for confirmation of this information, when George W. ‘Big Oil’ Bush announced his doubts about the Geneva Convention.

Gungah-Din suddenly knew nothing at all about Toyota, Ford, or management consultants. He told Idaho, ‘Look, Dunc, old boy? I don’t mind being water-boarded at some black site if I know it is going to come out in the New York Times, and I can look forward to you Yanks being ashamed of it? but when your own President thinks torture is a good thing? I say: Go Japs!’

The L4L persuader, Dr. Egbert SousÈ, then contacted Gungah-Din. He tried to negotiate the confirmation, or to see if there was any hint on whether the General Motors management consultants (who have supported the new, enlarged Suburban) might have ties to Honda or Nissan, but Patel-Ramsbottom was like a clam. He enthusiastically offer Egbert an upgrade on his credit card, with 5000 free frequent flyer miles, and a complimentary calculator (with built-in laser pointer) if he accepted within the next 30 minutes.

SousÈ’s collection of 781 junky complimentary calculators has every built-in feature know to humankind except a laser pointer, so he accepted the offer after 29 minutes of deep thought. Unfortunately, when it arrived, he used the laser light to tease his cat, which responded by savaging him viciously. He has been in ‘very serious condition’ in the waiting room of the Triage Unit of a nearby hospital for the last three weeks. (Like so many Americans, he has no medical insurance, and cannot be admitted to the actual Intensive Care Unit.)

He has, however, received numerous visits from lawyers and is suing JPMorgan Chase Bank, William Clay Ford, Jr., Ford Motor Company, Alan Mulally, the New York Times, and General Motors for massive damages. Class actions against manufacturers of laser pointers and cat magazines will begin shortly.

He also receives regular visits from salesmen from his local Ford and GM dealers, who are showing him how to use the proceeds from his lawsuits to buy the new Expedition EL or Suburban (and to fuel them). He now looks forward to driving a vehicle whose size will always remind him that Americans have bigger penises than the Japanese.

Please email any offers of a good home for one cat (slightly temperamental) to SigfriedNRoy@lushforlife.com.

“

As the world recoils in horror at the recent discovery that Maher Arar, a Canadian Muslim, was deported by US forces to Syria and tortured, we must stand back and actually examine the facts before falling into the leftist traps.

It makes me sick to my stomach that the world is buying into liberal slants on almost every issue they twist like a twisty swirly thing. They rant and rave that our government tortures American citizens, that torture doesn’t yield results, that it dehumanizes people, and if we torture enemy combatants, our foes will do the same to our troops! Hogwash!

First of all, Arar was not an American citizen. He was a dirty Canadian. For years, our Northern neighbor has undermined US policies by having a functional national health care program and sending us Bryan Adams and Celine Dion. How can we trust anything they say or do? The man was clearly not an American with his brown skin, black beard, and his disgusting use of the American language by adding “eh” to the end of his sentences. They were completely right to ship the bastard off to Syria. That’s right, Syria! We didn’t even do the torture! A bunch of filthy Arabs did it! It makes me want to run the next Democrat I see over with my H2 Hummer.

Next, to address the issue that torture doesn’t yield results, the man confessed! Cried and spilled his guts like a little girl, he did. Now sure, he confessed to having been trained in an Afghanisti terrorist camp, and it turned out that he had never been to Afghanistan, but that just proves my point. Imagine if he had been a real terrorist. If we can get that kind of intel out of an impostor, the results from the real deal would be phenomenal. I say beat, waterboard, and smack ‘em all around with electrical cable; one of them are bound to be an al-Qaeda.

Now, what makes me angry enough to vomit oil onto a baby seal is the ridiculous claim that this kind of interrogation will cause the other side to use torture, too. First off, our troops are vastly superior to anything the Middle East can spew up; they’d never squeal. Second, those bastards over there have no sense of decency; they would torture our guys in a second, irregardless of what we do to their terror mongers.

Finally, I would like to address the preposterous claim that torture dehumanizes these animals. How can you dehumanize a beast that is prepared to do horrible things to innocent people? They have no problem killing or torturing a man simply because he is a Westerner. I say, if you act like an animal, you should be treated as one.

BANGKOK – A recent investigation conducted by LushForLife.com reporters has revealed the true reason for the military takeover in Thailand. Initially, the motives behind the overthrow of former Thailand Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra led by General Sondhi Boonyaratkalin were unclear, though following an investigation by this news team, the facts are beginning to roll in brisk fashion.

This report was wired by head correspondent Arthur Rocks to LushForLife.com headquarters in Tampa, Florida, early this morning:

According to local insiders here in Bangkok, former Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra was lured to New York by the United Nations for a meeting with other U.N. officials. While away, General Sondhi Boonyaratkalin, in conjunction with Texas oil tycoon T. Boone Pickens and local Thailand underground prostitution rings, the coup was executed without a single shot being fired.

According to Rocks, oil tycoon Pickens is currently engaged in an off-shore entrepreneurship with Bangkok pimps to establish a full-flowing, well-greased prostitution business that will allow the already massive and lucrative business of selling sexual relations with underage girls to further flourish.

’Our idealistic vision of Bangkok has finally been set into motion,’ local pimp and entrepreneur Khanif Baekiidj said to LushForLife.com correspondent Rob Johnson. ‘Thanks to Mr. Pickens and General Sondhi, Bangkok is finally going to be something special.’

Though the prostitution rings in Bangkok are already a lucrative business, soliciting sex is currently technically illegal. Law enforcers have turned the other cheek in the past, allowing the solicitation of over 30,000 teenage women to run rampant without significant legal regard. With the new regime established, all legal ramifications are expected to dissolve.

’We will see a new and glorious day arrive in Bangkok, with rivers that flow of milk and honey, and more sweet, fresh poon-tang for all as far as the eye can see,’ General Sondhi Boonyaratkalin said from the balcony atop his presidential suite to a crowd of tens of thousands of cheering, seedy perverts. ‘Now any man take legally take what is rightfully his without the risk of persecution.’

Following the speech, a collection of naked teenage hookers were dragged out into the town square and thrown to the masses. All young women from the crowd were seized and taken to an underground cellar guarded by Thai military soldiers, where they were deloused with lye and sent back into the crowd of thousands – which had already begun fornicating with the available fresh meat. The sexual depravity continued to occur without intermission in downtown Bangkok for 36 hours, until all existing and newly acquired prostitutes were no longer conscious. Some remote groups of twisted scoundrels continued to engage in sexual intercourse with the unconscious girls until they apparently were disinterested, when they left to hit up the pubs to drink and play Russian roulette.

’I think sex with an untapped, petite little sucky-sucky is a business that can continue to grow and be a good thing for all involved,’ T. Boone Pickens said to Arthur Rocks during an interview in a Bangkok brothel. ‘People back in the states may think I’m going haywire, but dad-blame it, when you see that sweet little pink beaver up in your face, I think they’ll reconsider.’

In other news, President Bush and his cabinet have declared the situation in Thailand to be ‘severe and in need of immediate attention,’ and are scheduled to make a special trip to Bangkok to discuss future trade agreements between the new military regime and the United States.

“RALEIGH-DURHAM, NC – Did anyone ever tell you about the secret to Lucky Strikes‘ success? Back in the old days, before the Government had realized that the devil lurked inside the evil green weed known as marijuana, Lucky Strike Cigarettes were actually lucky. Once in while, you came across a “”special”" cigarette laced with prime Kentucky marijuana. I heard this story was an urban legend; a myth told to stoners from coast to coast.

My sources at the Centre for Healthy Smoking and YOU have informed LushForLife.com of a new sales technique to lure those pesky health conscious types who gave up smoking or were not cool enough to get hooked on American tobacco in the first place.

Mr. Carr-Cinogen, spokesperson for Lucky Strike Cigarettes, coughed and hacked up a statement that most of the media in the press conference could not make out, so we just read his draft of the speech, instead, while Mr. Carr-Cinogen smoked a cigar. What follows is an extract of the speech with stage direction as it was written:

“”My fellow Americans, we the supporters of tobacco farmers and higher medical insurance, greet you. It is our proud duty to announce that, beginning tomorrow, one cigarette in twenty will not contain tobacco. That one cigarette will be a ‘healthy’ cigarette, containing 0% nicotine. Our focus groups and highly advanced team of experts have tapped into the world’s view on cigarettes. We believe we have found what the world wants from it’s smoking experience… (pause for dramatic affect… look at the media with a tear in your eye).

“”They want a cigarette that does not kill them. They want to be able to get through the year without a hacking cough or chest infection. They want to be able to walk up the stairs with out puffing or panting. They want to make the most of their erections while they still have them. They want to remember the taste of food, again.

“”We at Lucky Strike are presenting to the smoking public a pack of cigs that kills you that little bit slower thanks to the one “”lucky”" cigarette with no tobacco in it. We see this as a bold new step in increasing the number of smokers around the world. Our new slogan will be “”Lets all die slowly; let’s kill ourselves together.”"

We at the LushForLife.com headquarters bought a pack of the new Lucky Strikes and used sniffer dogs to locate the so called “”healthy cigarette”", sending it straight to our onsite forensic lab that is light years ahead of anything you civilians have seen on CSI: Miami. Ten minutes and two commercial breaks later,the result of the “”healthy cigarettes’ came in. Floor sweepings from a Ku Klux Clan barn dance proved to be the main ingredient, combined with trace elements of horseshit. Our chief forensic scientist on our pay role said in his report:

“”Although the chemical components to the ‘healthy cigarettes’ are full of some seriously narrow-minded and smelly crap, it won’t kill you, unlike these other cancer sticks.”"

“