Vogue Embraces Jeffs As Holy Committee Turns The Other Cheek

“LAS VEGAS – It appears that former polygamist and federal fugitive Warren Jeffs, who was recently apprehended by Nevada Highway Patrol just north of Las Vegas on Wednesday morning, is prepared to enter a new line of work.

Jeffs was arrested after patrol officers witnessed his ‘89 Chrysler LeBaron driving down Interstate 15 with expired Arizona plates, along with a broken brake light. He was apprehended with $50,000 on his person, along with laptop computers and a collection of never-seen-before styles of wigs.

Following his arrest, the fugitive leader of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Ladder-Day Saints – who has been on the FBI’s 10 most wanted list since May – promptly spoke aloud his pleas to God, stating, “”The mighty, protective cloak of the Lord will shield me from this world.””

Following the polygamist’s arrest, LushForLife.com promptly sent correspondent Arthur Rocks to Heaven to sit-in on the emergency meeting held by the Holy Committee of God:

The committee is reluctant to answer his prayers? Though some of its members, namely Joyce Meyer and the Apostle Paul, spoke out in anger to the members of the Committee and the people of Heaven for not coming to the aid of their fallen soldier. It appears though, following the committee convening for about a five minute private session, no aid will come, at least at this time, to Jeffs or any other ‘sick, twisted polygamist fuckers,’ Committee member Craig T. Nelson said.

Upon hearing the alarming news via a digital prayer network hosted by the righteous, God-fearing, Christian entrepreneur Creflo Dollar, Jeffs said he would accept a new position, which was recently offered to him by Vogue Magazine.

’I will be a creative consultant for Vogue Magazine, and at this time, I’d like to enter a plea of insanity,’ Jeffs said from a pew he insisted to be installed in his holding cell from Las Vegas City Jail. Anna Wintour, Editor of the publication, has widely been considered by reliable news outlets and respected intellectual social circles as a devout minion of Satan himself, and this recent news is nothing more than a validating example.

’You should see the wigs and costumes this guy was traveling with,’ Wintour said to LushForLife.com correspondent Carl Laszlo in New York. ‘If you were in the fashion world, you’d all do the same as I have. I’m not quite sure why a fundamental polygamist would be riding cross-country with such a fabulous collection of wigs, but at this point I just don’t care. I’m proud to have such a visionary on our team.’

Depending on the outcomes of the eventual legal proceedings Jeffs will endure, his days as a fundamental pastor of the Mormon Church have reached their end.

’It was a long, crazy ride,’ Jeffs said as a fellow inmate gave him a I Corinthians 4:14 enema. ‘I’ve married girls as young as five to good, honest, hairy-backed and hairy-nosed 67 year-old curmudgeons,’ he said, ‘and I’ve shared the bed of over two dozen wives. I was always content until the Lord hath forsaken me. Now its time for me to serve a new master: the fashion industry.’

Nothing like a filthy-minded, self-proclaimed Messiah martyr sending 80 pound 12 year-olds down the red carpet. It’s better than down the aisle, I suppose…

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