September Horoscopes

Aries: You will get into a pointless argument with two friends who will take sides against you. The fight will be blown completely out of proportion and your friendships will be forever ruined. Two weeks later you will read something on Wikipedia.com that will prove you where wrong, but the damage has already been done. Try and meet new people.

Taurus: Rats will attempt to make a home within your drywall. Don’t worry; they will contract a rare rodent decease inside the walls from an ex-pet hamster belonging to a young girl who lived in your house with her family twelve years ago. The stench of the decaying rat carcasses will drive you to move in with an annoying, but attention-seeking friend who will keep you up for a week with his monstrous snoring.

Cancer: Do not attempt to try anything new this month – you will fail. Wait till October to install that new operating system you’ve been reading about, otherwise, you will destroy all the illegal MP3s and poorly lit family vacation photos you haven’t backed up. I’m right, aren’t I? You haven’t backed up anything, ever.

Sagittarius: You will contract a nasty yeast infection. It doesn’t matter how much of that probiotic yogurt you ingest since some pseudo-scientist told you to that night you were drunk at 4am watching Christian Television Network – it won’t work. Invest in some cotton underwear.

Capricorn: You will contract contact dermatitis as result of working with photographic chemicals and your company will not pay for your medical treatment. Get a better job.

Virgo: You will eat too much sushi at a cheap Japanese restaurant and you will feel sick immediately. Unfortunately, that last piece of yellowtail was poisoned with arsenic. Goodbye.

Gemini: You are a cheap slut who cheats on your significant other and you will pay for it in the afterlife. You will also get fat from birthing too many retarded children.

Scorpio: Being an undercover narcotics agent is evil work, and you will pay for it, this month, as a suspected drug runner will gouge out your eye with a used, AIDS-infected heroin needle. Go fuck yourself, Narc.

Pisces: You will get stuck in a place you don’t want to be. Just as you try to make your escape, a 7-horned goblin will leap from the shadows and offer you a glass of warm milk. You decline, offer the goblin a shot of amyl nitrate, and the goblin will die. Score one for you.

Libra: A love interest will surface by the rise of the new moon. You will attempt to court this interest by using your indescribable charm and splitting wit. Your ultimate goal of achieving a life long love will fall short when you get hammered on Mint Juleps and proceed to sing the entire score of Moulin Rouge out-of-key.

Leo: A night of drinking with your closest friends will involve a gallon jug of brake fluid and Old Crow. Even though you at first will be reluctant, go ahead and join them. You will discover a new love for the Genitorturers.

Taurus: While grocery shopping, a very attractive person of the opposite sex will approach you and take you back to their home. You get excited at the idea of sleeping with this person – until they sneak up behind you and suffocate you with a rag drenched in chloroform. You will wake up being anally rape by a pack of rabid Dobermans. Your host will be gracious enough to offer you a meal afterward – a Hungry Man Salisbury Steak Dinner. Enjoy.

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