Scientists Discover Living Relative Of Homo-Sapien

“LOS ANGELES – In a ground breaking doctoral thesis, UCLA PhD Student Alex Moore claims he and fellow researchers have discovered a living relative of modern humans. Dubbed Homo-Hauliris by the team of Moore, two of his professors, and three Master’s students, the “”living fossil”” may be the single most significant scientific discovery of the millennium.

Our Homo-Hauliris cousins are, apparently, slightly larger around the waist, have a smaller brain, and sport enlarged forearms and lesser-evolved moral and ethical reasoning. Moore and his team assert that most of these individuals operate as tow-truck drivers or owners of impound lots.

“”We are all very excited about this find,”” Moore exclaimed to reporters in a press conference early Monday morning. ‘This could rewrite our ideas about human evolution.’ Moore, an anthropology doctoral candidate, has been working on his thesis for two years and has amassed thousands of DNA samples backing up his claims. ‘Our findings are startling,’ continued Moore, ‘We have discovered a small population living along side our own, seemingly identical to modern humans, but with a few important distinctions.’ The team then proceeded to show a slide show of many modern Homo-Haulirises.

The images were extremely convincing. The Haulirises were all badly dressed and dirty, showing their struggle to understand fashion due to their underdeveloped brains; most of the specimens exhibited a distinct lack of teeth caused, according to Moore, by a gene that makes Homo-Hauliris incapable of personal hygiene and unable to avoid greasy, disgusting foods with massive quantities of High-fructose corn syrup.

When asked how Moore first became suspicious that the tow-truck industry was overrun with lower forms of human life, he responded, ‘Well, my girlfriend’s car was towed outside of my house one Saturday night for no apparent reason. She was working the next day, so I volunteered my Sunday to go pick up her car on the other side of town. When I got there, the lot was closed, but a posted telephone number connected me with a rude, obnoxious ape-creature, who explained that it was God’s day, and I would have to pay $30 (on top of the $190 fee to get the car back) if I wanted one of her bottom dwellers to skip church and come and open the lot. When the mouth breathing, hairy-knuckled monster finally arrived, it informed me in broken English that I could not get the car with out the owner faxing over a release. I said that this wasn’t a problem and would get the release faxed over immediately. However, I was then told that the office (which we were standing in) was closed on Sundays and I would have to come back tomorrow, with an extra $30 for housing the car overnight. I then proceeded to hit the beast with a tire wrench four or five times before he began tap-dancing on my trachea. In disbelief over the stupidity of the situation, I analyzed the blood on the wrench back at my lab, and the rest is history.’

The Christian Right has come out strongly against the research, with top Christian leaders Jerry Falwell and Pat Robinson both making statements, Tuesday, claiming the research is fraudulent and then began beating the rotting corpse of the dead horse of creationism. Liberal commentators have pointed out that their opinion may be extremely biased, as many of their congregations are made up of tow truck drivers and impound lot owners.

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