“I get my top secret NASA files and head into the meeting room. I crack the seal to the folder and take my first look for the meaning of the trip.

It seems that Ireland wants to create an Irish International Space Association (IISA). This must be why LushForLife.com sent me, as I am the only Irishman with a link to NASA.

“”Gents, you all know why you are here,”" the announcer began. “”Let’s get started. As you know, this has been on the racks for some time. I will turn the floor over to the lead of the research department, Colin O’Brien.”"

Colin O’Brien approached the podium and began. “”We finally got the word back on the cost of the project, and the Chinese have agreed on a price. The numbers show that the average person is set to save an average of seven thousand American dollars for our American friend.”"

I ask if he means the donators.

‘No, the people going on the trip,’ the man said with a drunken delight.

I thought I would have to read more into the folder and the research, but it would not be so.

’Gentlemen, as you know, the land has been looking for a way to save money on yearly expenses. The yearly report says that the average Irish household spends nineteen thousand Euros on alcohol per anum.’

That’s $24,190.80 in good old American Dollars, on an average of only $38,000 in household income. It’s good to see a nation with priorities.

The meeting went downhill from there, as a drunken Irish man described how after three months of research, they are now ready to start construction on the space program.

’We already have the leftover ‘space stuff’ from the failed space program of the South African People.’ This should be good, I thought, as the man smiled my way. ‘We even brought over a good American to show us the way to get to plan off the ground. He is from NASA and he will be here for the week to help us.’

One week? the American space program took years and they want to start and finish in a week.

’The plan is simple,’ the man said, and then paused for a sip of Irish coffee. ‘We will send people into space. ‘

Easy enough, I thought. A pretty basic plan? What more could a person want? The Irish will only have to spend eight thousand on a yearly pass for the trip. They will travel out of the atmosphere and for one half of an hour and be able to drink. ‘Since our studies show that you only need to drink a fraction of what you need on land, the average person will gladly pay the price. The alcohol, on the other hand, will be the same price it is on land. I will now turn it over to a doctor.’

It was announced that the doctor was named O’Hare as he neared the microphone. ‘Thank you, sir. It is true. I am a doctor, and I have done some research. Since the atmosphere in space is nonexistent, the alcohol will pass through the body at an accelerated rate. What does this mean to any non-doctor? Simple: the body will get more alcohol with less drinking involved. That means that the body, or the person, will achieve a drunker state faster, and that’s less money that the person would have to spend.’

He held for applause as I laughed. The meeting ended on the note that the Irish nation will be morally upheld and the standard will generally improve. By having more time to do other things, the typical Irish man will be able to return home drunk after his sojourn in space. Having a space program only to save money on your drinking will improve your nation.

The good news and final word from the IISA is that the program has been dismissed, as it seems that the gasoline that was used to ignite the only spacecraft cause the first and last IISA disaster. Not to say the idea was a disaster from the start?

“

“Scientist Hwang Woo-suk denied, Tuesday, that he had spent research funds for personal use and said part of the money was used in attempts to clone mammoths, extinct relatives of today’s elephants.

In a news conference held inside the atrium of the brand new elephant exhibit within the cavernous halls of the 2 million dollar D`uk-Wa-Phat-Dan-Qeoui Building (English translation: “”The Massive and Beautiful Smell of Elephant Shit Building”"), a plethora of reporters clung to every one of the scientist’s word. At least, to the words they could understand.

“”Not a single penny was spent for personal use,”"; Hwang cried out from behind the pulpit, emphatically banging his 24-karat, canary yellow, diamond tipped cane on the microphone. When questioned about the legitimacy of his well-reported wealth and whether or not it might make people unsympathetic to his cause, Hwang responded, “”Did you hear what I said? I can clone a mammoth. A mammoth, motherfucker.”"

Hwang was indicted in May for allegedly accepting 2 billion won (US $2.1 million) in private donations based on the findings of later reportedly falsified research and embezzling about 800 million won ($850,000) in private and government research funds. His penalty could be up to 3 years in prison.

Some of the research funds were used on housing for his researchers, gifts and tours for visiting foreign scholars, and meals for government officials, Hwang said, which he claimed were “part of research activities in the general sense.’ Dr. Andrea Callow, the head researcher at Yale University’s stem-cell research center, visited last year. Of her trip to Seoul, Hwang remarked, ‘My friend Steve said she had a great pair. She visited us. And I researched it.’ When asked his findings, Hwang reported, ‘Mmmmm.’

Once looked upon as a national treasure, Mr. Woo-suk has been fired from his job at the country’s top school, Seoul National University, and the government is stripping him of his state honors. It is a sad ending for a man who is widely considered one of the most brilliant researchers of his time. A cloud of shame hangs over his head as South Koreans everywhere ask that age old question, how much Woo could a Woo-suk suk, if a Woo-suk could suk Woo.

“

“WASHINGTON – George W. Bush has always suffered from comparisons with Bill Clinton in the eyes of the African-American community, but at last, he is close to his day in the sun.

It was all a misunderstanding. It appears that black Americans were using the wrong criteria to judge how “”African American”" each of the two presidents really are.

Previously, they were focusing on the way Bill Clinton’s sax playing, way of joining in at a church meeting, or visions of prosperity. They put too much emphasis on how he can touch people’s hearts… um… like Martin Luther King, Jr. (that’s the guy who was like Kenny Lay, if Lay’s funeral orators are to be believed).

Now we are learning that George W. Bush is the real thing. He really understands politics, African style.

Christine Nelson and Alice McCabe (two 55 year old teachers) appeared at a Cedar Rapids event, where President Bush was speaking. Christine wore a Democrat pin, and Alice clutched a small paper sign with the slogan ‘No More War’.

They soon found themselves in handcuffs, being strip-searched at the county jail.

Jeff and Nicole Rank tried to listen to a Bush speech in Charleston, West Virginia, while wearing the wrong t-shirts. They were arrested and charged with trespassing, in spite of having tickets to the event.

Leslie Weise, a 40-year-old mother, drove to a Bush town-hall meeting in Denver, in a car with a ‘No More Blood For Oil’ bumper sticker. She and two friends were threatened and removed from the meeting before Bush appeared.

LushForLife.com hacked into NSA telephone records to investigate this ‘authentically African’ way of handling political opposition.

L4L eventually found the relevant recording. We can reveal that George W. Bush, in an effort to win Afro-American hearts and minds, has been receiving personal coaching from President Mugabe of Zimbabwe.

’In Africa’ Mugabe told him, ‘strong political leaders do not accept criticism from upstart civilians, comments from self-opinionated journalists, or harassment from political opponents. You have to keep a clear vision and make sure that these people do not disturb your thinking or muddle your information sources while you make your decisions. You should handle people like that Sheehan woman and those New York Times renegades like I handle my troublemakers. Bulldoze their homes, take their land, kill their families. Execute them or lock them up and throw away the keys.’

President Bush, though shamed by his previous timidity, has not yet had the courage to fulfill the broad vision of his mentor, and is starting small. Nevertheless, he is on the path to win the respect of the African-American demographic by following Mugabe’s principles. Nelson and Cabe, the Ranks, and Weise were only practice, but he intends to grow in his skills, and finally to boost his disastrous approval ratings with black Americans.

The jury is out, at the moment, on how much success Mugabe’s coaching will bring at the polls, but so far the President has told well-wishers that he likes being an expert on black people. He added that it is certainly easier than learning sax.

“