“WASHINGTON – Hardcore gambling habits run rampant throughout the main blood stream of the American lifestyle. Trips to Atlantic City – where you can see gross examples of the American Imprint: a sex fiend, coke head, huffing butane from his Bic lighter while he waits for the 40-year old prostitute to return with a fresh Old Fitz and the dealer to turn the flop – are not an uncommon sight for the keen observer. A shot of booze and jaded judgment… All I need is another jack; jack me up with a stiff Mojito, little lady, and send me some warming vibes as the one-eyed face bares itself running along the river… Even here – hundreds of miles from Atlantic City, in the lobby of luggage pickup of the Washington Dulles International Airport – there is no shortage of walking examples of true degenerate slime.

“”The girl over there,”" I overheard one seemingly drunk, slack-jawed hick murmur to another as I waited for my baggage to scroll down the trough, ‘has got to be legal. Look at the way them sweet tits just flop around.’

’A hundred bucks says you’re a pedophile,’ the other said in response. ‘You game for a little wager?’ The two reached for their wallets and began whispering something I could no longer decipher. Time to move in for a closer look?

’Did I hear you gentlemen right?’ I asked as I leaned between them, shrouding my eyes with my steadfast pair of pilot’s aviators, sporting an entertained, shitty grin. ‘You think she’s eighteen, is that right?’

’Take a look at that ass, you faggot,’ the more drunken one said. Judging by the aroma, my hypothesis would be a cheap Kentucky bourbon spirit. ‘You wanna tell me she ain’t fit to hog out?’

’There’s no doubt you’ve got a gifted eye,’ I said, ‘and impeccable taste, as well. Get your money together and I’ll go ask her how old she is. I’m a seasoned gambler, you see, and there needs to be an objective eye in the middle of a wager like this. This is how we do it down South. No frills, just results. Agreed?’

They both nodded and walked over to the bench along side the lobby wall. I had to intervene before those animals lost control of themselves. Who knows how perverted these slack-jawed drunks could’ve been? What starts out as a harmless bet winds up with an innocent, underage Catholic girl gagged in the trunk of a broken down Buick, with a head full of chloroform and an Everclear bottle neck shoved in her anal cavity. A good person like myself, no matter how passive and sedated, can’t sit back and watch the drunken fiends cut loose.

’Excuse me,’ I said to the obviously underage girl as she stood in front of the luggage trough, ‘there are some weird people talking about you over there, and I’d suggest you get your things and leave this place at once.’ She gave me a frightened look and began scanning the room in a panic. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll stand with you until your things arrive.’ I wasn’t sure if she trusted me, either. After all, why should she? Some weird looking fucker – smelling of booze and breathing surprisingly heavy – approaches a beautiful little girl, standing alone in the airport lobby, silently praying no one gives her the slack-jawed slimy shuffle. Sometimes intervening between the scabs and the sludge works out for the best?

My trip to Washington had a more pressing purpose. By some modern miracle, LushForLife.com was granted an invite to a gala held at the White House: an award ceremony for a group of professional sporting fisherman, of which Dubya and his group of cohorts are all members. There was a limousine waiting for me upon exiting the terminal; a driver with a smug grin, smelling of the same right-wing political ideology that in no time would be surrounding me. My first voyage to the White House would no doubt offer some interesting and bizarre findings – at least I hoped. That’s why people like myself never leave our compounds without being properly equipped?

The ceremony was incredibly mundane – unable to stomach for anyone who isn’t completely obsessed with gutting the underbelly of an oversized marlin and playing around with its entrails. That sounds fine and dandy for some people, but for those of us who subscribe to some faint idea of decent behavior, the process is inconceivably disgusting.

In the White House lobby, by no means of logical reasoning, staff members Dan Bartlett and Andy Card were performing a bizarre act where they would juggle a collection of flaming vodka bottles back and forth over the original copy of the Bill of Rights.

’You’ve got to try Condoleeza’s Sea Breeze, buddy,’ Card said while he gawked towards the ceiling, keeping track of the flopping flaming booze bottles coming in his direction. ‘It really will pound your ass into comatose sedation. A weekend in Tijuana with Mexican hookers and a kilo is baby food compared to this.’

If these twisted bastards are tweaked enough to engage in this sort of thing, they may be onto something. The hired bartender was sent to the gala floor to collect empty tumblers, high-ballers, and ashtrays while the Secretary of State manned the bar. ‘What’ll it be, white boy?’ she said to me with a crooked eye and a drooling lip.

’I’ve heard your Sea Breeze is one for the books.’

She stopped cleaning off the counter and looked up at me with an indistinguishable, surprised glare. ‘If you’re carved out of true grit, which you look like you are, it’s the right way to go.’ She poured the drink with her back turned from me so I couldn’t see the contents of her concoction. For all I know, the mix could have contained the mystical Cypripedium acaule that I’ve been trying to track down for weeks.

Violent sounds of commotion surfaced in the distance from the direction of the Oval Office after I took my first massive gulp of what was likely the best drink I’ve been served within the entire greater D.C. area. If Rice’s political career eventually ends in shambles, she’ll always have a bartending gig to save her from ultimate disaster.

I walked into the President’s bureau and finally found the decadent behavior that I knew the degenerates where capable of performing. These bizarre fishermen may happen to be despicable bastards, but some of them are so twisted that occasionally we can agree on what is truly awful?

One of them was holding a random secretary intern over the desk, pounding his Rodney into her bared, pale rear entry hole. Another one danced around, performing some sort of aboriginal primitive dance while sporting a severed tiger shark head as a cap. ‘Um knum shee-bhye, um knub shee-byee,’ he said as he pranced about in a circle, swatting a half dozen or so other men on the skull – who where kneeling on the ground, with full erections and their heads facing the floor. Too much of something was definitely flowing throughout the walls of Andrew Jackson’s beloved homestead? I’ve traveled to the distant corners of this deranged fuck-rock and I’ve never seen such bizarre, complete disregard for all that is decent and tolerable as I was exposed to tonight.

What remarkable and screwy behavior these staunch, God-fearing Republicans are capable of encompassing?

“

“TAMPA – In a press conference late Tuesday evening, after they had woken up, LushForLife.com, the world famous fake news site, announced that they have officially become obscene. “”We have been informed by Google that we are now officially disgusting,”" said Duncan Idaho, founder and pompous prick of the site. “”Our revenue, which allows us to eat, consume copious amounts of drugs, and drink a bottle of bourbon each a day, as well as pay for our web hosting, is in danger of being cut in half.”" Idaho continued, “”We have received correspondence from the web giant asserting that our site may be too vulgar for them to continue to host ads on our site.”"

Idaho released the letter to the press:

Hello,

While reviewing your account, we noticed that you are currently displaying Google ads in a manner that is not compliant with our policies. For instance, we found violations of AdSense policies on pages such as http://www.lushforlife.com/more.php?id=45.

As stated in our program policies, AdSense publishers are not permitted to place Google ads on pages with adult or mature content.

Please make any necessary changes to your web pages in the next 3 business days. We also suggest that you take the time to review our program policies (https://www.google.com/adsense/policies) to ensure that all of your other pages are in compliance.

Once you update your site, we will automatically detect the changes and ad serving will not be affected. If you choose not to make the changes to your account within the next three days, your account will remain active but you will no longer be able to display ads on the site. Please note, however, that we may disable your account if further violations are found in the future.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,

The Google AdSense Team

“”From all of us in the fake news correspondent world, we wish LushForLife.com the best in finding a new advertiser who will embrace the disgustingness that we all know and love.”"

-Arthur Rocks

“

“LUSHFORLIFE.COM HEADQUARTERS, TAMPA – When I began my tenure as a correspondent for LushForLife.com, I truly believed that I was working for the world’s second-least-biased news source. Having my repeated attempts to become a copywriter for Fox News thwarted by so-called lack of experience, I settled for a position here. Until the recent “”Jesus has Schizophrenia”" article, I donned my rainbow-colored glasses without thought to the fact that I have become a member of the liberal media.

I have taken my ritual boardroom beatings as a matter of order. I have also accepted the payment of Sam’s Club ramen, bulk Planter’s peanuts, and vats of orange Gatorade with promises of advancement. As I write this from my cot the in the broom closet in the basement of LushForLife.com Headquarters in Tampa, I am attempting to quell the vomit I can feel rising, not from my stomach but the very seat of my soul.

This debasement of everything my brothers in Christ have fought for, for centuries, shan’t go unnoticed. Rise with me, my Republican brothers, and help end the flagrant degradation of our ecclesiastical beliefs. I’m not speaking of a letter writing campaign. If comics of Muhammad can inspire region wide violence, let this inspire one of you lily-livered faggots to load up a rental truck with manure and drive down here to Tampa and blow this abomination of a news source from the earth. I would, but I’m contractually obligated to avoid sectarian violence, especially against news sources.

When I awoke early Wednesday morning after my morning prayer and brisk breakfast of peanuts and Gatorade, I was pleased as punch to check the weekly update of the website. I was given a day off due to a serious inflammation in my fingers from bacteria I encountered during my weekly janitorial duties. To my dismay, a wonderfully written (albeit woefully blasphemous) article about Jesus’ alleged mental state rose from the page like a wrath born straight from the fiery pits of hell itself. I fell off of my cot as I fought to quell my anger and write a somewhat well thought response to this filth.

Just because some hippy with funny scars in his wrists and feet that has lived for 2000 years says he is the same Jesus that is son of God and Mary, doesn’t mean he actually is. I know about 17 Johns off hand and at least 2 Chantelles. Much like the fossil records, layers of sediment, mathematical theorems, and dinosaur bones before him, this Jesus is obviously placed before us as a tool of Satan to drive the true believer from the Lord our God. Don’t be fooled, friends. It is our time to take this country back from the heathen, liberal, Jewish media. Rise with me and fight this oppression.

Actually, if you could, just blow up the East wing where most of the executive offices are. That will most certainly prove to the world that this, our United States of America, is truly a conservative Christian nation under God by leaving your brother in Christ unharmed, although a little rattled in the basement of this Factory of Lies.

“

“WASHINGTON – In the wake of the most recent air scare in the UK, the FAA has installed a strict new policy to thwart would-be evildoers, dubbed the “”No Nothing”" policy.

Since terrorists have, apparently, figured out how to make anything ever a weapon (box cutters, shoes, batteries, lotions, babies, insane people, coconut rum bottles, etc.), the FAA has decided the best way to keep them from killing us for our freedom is to allow absolutely nothing onboard any flights, including carryon luggage, bottles of any kind, medicines, guns, drugs, stowaways, and clothing.

All passengers are asked to arrive at least four hours before any domestic flight, and five before any overseas. Though it was previously three and four, respectively, the extra hour has been added so that the nude passengers can be ogled by passersby to, you know, spice it up a bit, as well as allow time for random anal cavity searches.

The inherent drawbacks to this new policy don’t seem to matter to the FAA, even though the number of rapes in the smoking section of airports is expected to double as result of the… ease of entry. Current ‘World’s Best Rapist’ title holder Jose Cortez is excited about the new policy.

’I think it’ll increase the competition, but I’m always [ready for it],’ Cortez told nude correspondent Arthur Rocks. His statement was cut short as Cortez ran off in a naked, penis-flapping hurry.

The Society for Beautiful People has filed an injunction hoping to ban all members of the semi-secret society Fat People’s Mile High Club from air travel. SBP founder and president Maria Strickland said that obese fuckers make her ‘sick and revolted.’

The only persons allowed any articles of clothing are the pilots, as the pilot’s union threatened a strike if they were not allowed to wear their hats. A compromise allows the captain of the aircraft to wear his hat, but only his hat.

Since nothing of any kind is allowed onboard, all flight attendants have been rendered obsolete and are out of jobs. Their primary function of teaching retards and old people how to buckle safety belts has been replaced by a badly-produced pornographic video, using a penis entering a swollen vagina as a symbol for the simple task of placing a buckle around a thingy.

There will be no more food, booze, or drinks of any kind allowed on any US flights. Passengers are asked to binge before their flight, except for those suffering from irritable bowel syndrome, as the rectal examiners don’t want to be shit upon during inspections.

President George ‘Dubya’ Bush praised the FAA’s new policy as a necessity to keep America free. Said Bush: ‘All of this is being done, of course, to keep you, the American citizen, free from attacks on your person, allowing you to live your days as free as possible, as long as you do so in the privacy of your own home.’

In an act of solidarity, President Bush boarded Air Force One en route to Crawford, Texas completely naked after submitting to an anal cavity search from the biggest, burliest Secret Service agent he could find.

That makes this reporter smile.

“

“ST. PETERSBURG, FL – A reduction in county budget in Pinellas County, Florida, has led to the county’s decision to remove the phone line dedicated to reducing possible suicides located at the highest point on the Skyway Bridge. The decision to cancel the phone service has caused uproar amongst several self-help groups and charities throughout the greater Tampa Bay area, claiming that Pinellas County has no regard for human life.

The phone line was originally placed on the 150-foot tall bridge to offer verbal support to people contemplating suicide, in hope of talking people out of jumping to their deaths. The massive modern marvel of architectural design that connects the Bradenton and Sarasota area to southern St. Petersburg and greater Tampa Bay has become a symbol of Tampa Bay since its reconstruction in 1982, as well as a hot spot for those who wish to end it all by means of a 150-foot free fall swan dive.

“”Their decision is shocking, to say the least,”" Frances Gehry, the managing director of the Help Endures Life Path (HELP) facility in St. Petersburg. ‘We are going to do whatever we can to fight to keep the phone there.’

Since the bridge’s construction in 1982, over 1500 incidents of suicide have occurred from the bridge’s peak. Though several incidents have occurred, overall numbers of suicide deaths have fallen to only 15 in 2004, 11 in 2005, and only two this year. The decline in suicide risk played a large role in the county’s decision to remove the service, according to Pinellas County Commissioner Ronnie E. Duncan.

’At one point, the phone line was a good idea,’ Duncan said to LushForLife.com correspondent Arthur Rocks. ‘It has gotten to the point where both my colleagues and I cannot continue to provide funding for just a few depressed individuals. There are more pressing needs that need funding, like installing more parking meters at Clearwater Beach, for example.’

Both Gehry and other directors of help centers are joining together to make a push to keep the phone line in tact.

’We are rounding up a number of our most helpless patients to help the cause,’ Gehry told LushForLife.com correspondent Porcious Crank. ‘Our plan is to send out a dozen or so of very suicidal people every week to jump off the bridge.’ Gehry went on, ‘These will be patients who really want to die, and those who’ve attempted to commit suicide on several instances in the past. If they kill themselves by leaping from the Skyway, their deaths will help others in the long run. You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, and these hopeless, suicidal people realize that.’

Hank Johnston, the operator on the other end of the suicide line, offered a different viewpoint. ‘I’m sick of hearing all this jabber. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard ‘the walls are closin’ in’ and ‘life is so hard.’ People just need to shut their flap holes and jump like a man.’

’I am pissed that I’m losing my job, and the County can go fuck themselves for that,’ Johnston said before slicing a parking meter in half with a chain saw outside of the St. Petersburg County Courthouse.

Pinellas County officials indicated to LushForLife.com just before press time that even if the phone line gets disconnected, there are plans to install a pay phone on the bridge. According to county officials, when a suicide patient inserts a coin makes a phone call, the phone will generate a random seven-digit phone number combination from the Verizon database of the 727 area code. The call will be randomly connected with any activated telephone line within the area, and civilians and business will be responsible for talking to suicidal people on the verge of jumping from the bridge.

All of the phone lines for Pinellas County government have been removed from the database, due to what county officials call, ‘a compromising of interests.’

“

LushForLife.com‘s own Gale Force tracked down Donald Rumsfeld with the aid of a compass and a dead rabbit, as bait, for this exclusive interview.

Gale Force: Secretary Rumsfeld. Thank you for your time. LushForLife.com is very interested to hear why you have appointed a woman, with no military experience, as head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Donald Rumsfeld: No mystery there, Dr. Force. It’s this Israeli thing. We’ve woken up to how the enemy is thinking divergently, and we need to think even better than he does. We’re pale male, railroad track thinkers, so we found someone who is a real innovative thinker. We need someone is a step ahead of the enemy, not playing catch-up like we do now. Dr. Rosenfeld is that person. Kraft has accepted that their loss is our nation’s gain.

GF: Dr. Rosenfeld is Jewish, Secretary Rumsfeld. I believe Mel Gibson says that Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Aren’t you taking a bit of a chance here?

DR: The CIA assures me that this is not true, Dr. Force. They proved to me that, at the last count, there were 18 wars going on in Africa, and not one was caused by Jews. So he must have been drinking or something.

GF: Irene Rosenfeld knows a lot about the food industry. Do you see this helping her in her new position?

DR: Napoleon said that an army marches on its stomach. The president told me that ‘Yo’ Blair explained this. It means that it is important to feed the army well. President Bush thinks that women generally know a lot about feeding men, too, and this will be useful in places like Iraq where our troops are short of a lot of things? like armor. He says good food will be helpful. But the main thing is, she can think ahead and see what is coming, and we can’t.

GF: What does the President say about this ‘thinking ahead’ stuff?

DR: The President is generally not in favor of thinking ahead, but he is out of a job in two years. I’m still in, with a chance. You can’t blame a guy for looking out for himself.

GF: Any chance that the President will give the new Chief a neck rub in meetings?

DR: Well he is always good to the little ladies like that. He’s not sexist, though. I’m sure he’d be happy to give the generals and people like Putin neck rubs if they asked, but they don’t because their suit jackets are too thick. Merkel was just being weird. A lot of German women are actually lesbians.

GF: So Dr. Rosenfeld will find ways for our people to deal with new tactics from enemies who will attack USA bases using civilians as shields, who fight from underground tunnels, who fight from mobile bases in cities, or wage suicide and creative guerilla attacks on us from deep within city structures? And her secret weapons will be her brain, mind maps, and a thick suit jacket?

DR: If she can’t, we’ll ask Genentech for their CEO. Levinson’s next on the list.

GF: Is he also Jewish?

DR: You LushForLife.com people are beginning to sound like Jon Stewart.

“TAMPA – Costs for students who regularly binge drink are on the rise, a new government study suggests.

The report, released by the U.S. Government Accountability Office, points to the rising costs of alcohol products – as well as popular mixers such as cola – as a key culprit in the increasing costs of higher education.

“”Students are being forced to choose between eating lunch or getting hammered three nights a week,”" the study notes, going on to suggest that unless major policy adjustments are made, as many as 35 percent of U.S. undergraduate students might have to cut back to getting shit-faced on only one night a week.

“”The price of a bottle of mid-shelf vodka is skyrocketing,”" said Marty Berlstien, the vice provost for academic affairs at South Florida State College, where internal studies have shown that many students have already given up high-end beers in favor of lesser-known and more affordable domestics to avoid going broke after just one weekend of heavy drinking.

“”Something has to be done,”" Berlstien said. “”This is getting out of control.”"

The non-partisan GAO study was requested by lawmakers from five Western states where the cost of getting belligerent is said to be increasing at the fastest pace in the nation.

The study found that the most expensive places to get sloshed are popular bars or clubs near campus centers. The cost for drinks at such locations has increased at three times the rate of inflation since 1970, the first year for which statistics are available, the study said.

A watered-down rum-and-coke from a bar in Corvallis, Ore., home to Oregon State University, costs binge drinkers $5, the report said. Specialty drinks can sport prices even closer to $10, enough for two meals at a campus dining center.

’We can’t force kids to give up $10 mixer drinks at the bar just so they can afford some crappy Chinese food and an egg roll for lunch,’ said U.S. Sen. Gordon Smith, R-Ore., the leading voice among the nine lawmakers who requested the study.

The report noted that the same Corvallis bar was home to an issue indicative of another large factor that contributes to the high costs of getting wasted: the lack of drink specials. Many college bars are doing away with specials because their customer base is loyal and often has little choice in the market, the study said.

’I can’t pay $4 for an imported Belgian beer, then buy my friends a round of high-end vodka, then buy two pitchers of Coors for those girls on the smoking porch, then buy myself a rum-in-Coke right before closing time ? I just can’t’ said Mike Fitzmorris, a senior at Princeton.

Such an evening would cost Fitzmorris between $60 and $70, according to statistics in the GAO report. That’s enough for the chemistry major to buy three used textbooks for his English literature class.

But some students like Fitzmorris are being forced to make hard choices. The GAO study said that a growing number of students are choosing academics over binge drinking.

’I basically don’t go out and get lit anymore,’ said the 22-year-old Fitzmorris. ‘I actually bought my books this semester and I didn’t flunk out. It was pretty sweet.’

’That’s a sad state of affairs,’ said Ed Hammil, a policy expert at Washington D.C-based think tank dedicated to alcohol use in America. ‘When I hear stories about students giving up binge drinking for books, I start to cry. It’s just not right.’

“

TAMPA – LushForLife.com is pleased to introduce to you, oh opinionated public, your opinion. Since we figured (correctly) that you would be too damned lazy to sign up for our snazzy forum, we have slaved long and hard to add a comment box to each and every story. We think that this will increase your interest, keep you coming back, and get you telling all of your friends to check it out because of how you totally schooled some guy on the subject of comma placement.

It will give us an insight to what you really want to read, each week. Whether or not we take it to heart is another matter, but we’ll know.

It will also give us powers internally to dole out punishments to the writers who are not up to par, and ignore the writers with the best ratings.

It will let us know what words piss off moms the most, and which words we made up are making their way into the everyday speech of our dying society that is bloated with drunkards and heathens.

Keeping us in check is now your responsibility, and we expect you to live up to it. If you don’t, I swear to God we will take it away from you.

We will totally send you to your room. And then we will begin the spankings. And the groundings. And you, young man, are definitely not allowed to borrow the car, this Friday. That hot blonde will just have to understand that you weren’t mature enough to live up to your responsibilities. Now, take out the trash.

Okay. While he’s gone, I’ll tell you, confidentially, that these comments are actually designed to find and weed out unpatriotic Americans and report them to the CIA. Hey, LushForLife.com is a major news outlet and, as a result, we are directly responsible for being a watchdog for Big Government.

So, what did you think of this story?

“BERKELY, CA – In a press release that could change the course of human history and destroy the belief structures of Christians everywhere, Jesus, also known as “”I Am”" revealed late Sunday that he has been diagnosed as a schizophrenic.

“”I don’t know much about the whole ‘psychology thing,’ but my shrink tells me that I have schizophrenia,”" said Jesus, in his typical common man vernacular, revealing to the world that he is indeed crazy. He did not take questions and promptly entered his blimp, returning to his near-constant orbit of sporting events.

Luckily for you, the reader, and LushForLife.com, the news source, Jesus granted one exclusive interview to Arthur Rocks, LushForLife.com super-correspondent and stay at home father.

After climbing a 20 meter rope ladder to the blimp, Rocks was subjected to a barrage of disinfecting processes before entering a clean room where he found Jesus sitting on a hot pink bean bag in the middle of a room surrounded by velvet images of Himself, Elvis, and his mother.

In the interview, Jesus revealed inner torment at the idea that God was not his father, saying, ‘I always believed mom when she said that God was my father. It seems that they felt it would affect me negatively if I found out that I was adopted.’

He went on to say, ‘I’ve always been regarded as a bit of a sage, I suppose. I hope that this doesn’t affect proponents of my philosophy too greatly. Maybe they will focus on the two things I actually said before I ascended (not to heaven like the book says, but rather in my blimp), love your neighbor and honour your God.’

When Jesus was asked how he had managed to stay not only alive, but also so young looking for so long, he replied, ‘Oh, yeah, the fountain of youth is not in Florida, but in Palestine. Unfortunately it was destroyed in 1956 by Israeli forces during the Seven Days War. Sorry.’

As for plans for the future Jesus said, ‘Well, I’ve accumulated quite a bit of money. 2,000 years of tithes really add up. I have to thank my business manager, Paul, for that one. I plan to spend my retirement circling the globe watching sporting events from my blimp. I have created a clean room to avoid contact with bacteria and viruses, namely the bird plague. I will stop answering prayers at the end of the year. I realize I’ve missed quite a few of those, by the way, so sorry; I am just one guy after all.’

Rocks was left in a hotel bar in Topeka, Kansas where he phoned the interview in to LushForLife.com headquarters in Tampa.

“

Aries: You will rent the entire line of Hellraiser horror movies and be disappointed by all of them except the first two.

Taurus: You will have a dream that you are a tall woman who is disappointed in the size of her large feet. Upon awaking, you will realize it was just a dream, unless you are actually a tall woman who is disappointed in the size of her large feet? If that is the case, you have a high percentage chance of falling in love with a non-human, this month.

Gemini: Your child will fall and hit his head on a rock, this month, and it will cause slight retardation. Don’t worry, though: he was destined to be a fry cook a McDonald’s, anyhow.

Cancer: As your sign implies, you have cancer. It won’t be noticeable just yet, but get your next scheduled colonoscopy on time, or it will be too late.

Leo: The Wizard of Oz + Dark Side of the Moon will change your life? Not in a good way, though. You will be watching while under the influence of psilocybin mushrooms and your brain will get stuck chanting, ‘Home. Home again.’ Forever. And ever.

Virgo: Though you thought your family was normal, you will find out that they are actually even more normal than you thought when you realize that they actually have 2.5 kids.

Libra: After watching a Joyce Meyer sermon on Christian Television Network, you will realize that everyone in your life is a tool of Satan. There will be very little you will be able to do about this except donate a tenth of your income to the Church and hope that God will intervene and they will all die in a freak catamaran accident.

Scorpio: Avoid people with mustaches at all costs. If you don’t, you will fall hopelessly in love with one of them and they will turn out to have a secret family living somewhere near Tarpon Springs, FL.

Sagittarius: Congratulations! If you are reading this you have been very lucky. Without your knowledge, you escaped an extremely painful death by not going to the mall last Thursday. I can’t go into details, but it would have involved a short ugly woman and a massive blunt bread knife.

Capricorn: Cats will be bad luck for you this month. If at all possible, stay away from a Chinese dish called “Phoenix Chasing Dragon”. If you live in China, this would be a good month to become a vegetarian.

Aquarius: An ex love interest will call you from Nepal this month. They will confess that they have thought about you every day for the last six years and are miserable without you. They will then throw themselves off a cliff when you admit that you don’t really remember them.

Pisces: You will be going on a trip. At the airport, a strange Arab man will offer to help you with your bags. You will accept and then later recount the story to the check-in lady. Security will then brisk you away to a concrete room and subject you to a humiliating and painful cavity search. Later, after you have missed your flight and security have found nothing, you will go back to the terminal and see the Arab man working the X-Ray machine with a smile.