New Airline Security Deemed ‘Sexy’ By FAA

“WASHINGTON – In the wake of the most recent air scare in the UK, the FAA has installed a strict new policy to thwart would-be evildoers, dubbed the “”No Nothing”” policy.

Since terrorists have, apparently, figured out how to make anything ever a weapon (box cutters, shoes, batteries, lotions, babies, insane people, coconut rum bottles, etc.), the FAA has decided the best way to keep them from killing us for our freedom is to allow absolutely nothing onboard any flights, including carryon luggage, bottles of any kind, medicines, guns, drugs, stowaways, and clothing.

All passengers are asked to arrive at least four hours before any domestic flight, and five before any overseas. Though it was previously three and four, respectively, the extra hour has been added so that the nude passengers can be ogled by passersby to, you know, spice it up a bit, as well as allow time for random anal cavity searches.

The inherent drawbacks to this new policy don’t seem to matter to the FAA, even though the number of rapes in the smoking section of airports is expected to double as result of the… ease of entry. Current ‘World’s Best Rapist’ title holder Jose Cortez is excited about the new policy.

’I think it’ll increase the competition, but I’m always [ready for it],’ Cortez told nude correspondent Arthur Rocks. His statement was cut short as Cortez ran off in a naked, penis-flapping hurry.

The Society for Beautiful People has filed an injunction hoping to ban all members of the semi-secret society Fat People’s Mile High Club from air travel. SBP founder and president Maria Strickland said that obese fuckers make her ‘sick and revolted.’

The only persons allowed any articles of clothing are the pilots, as the pilot’s union threatened a strike if they were not allowed to wear their hats. A compromise allows the captain of the aircraft to wear his hat, but only his hat.

Since nothing of any kind is allowed onboard, all flight attendants have been rendered obsolete and are out of jobs. Their primary function of teaching retards and old people how to buckle safety belts has been replaced by a badly-produced pornographic video, using a penis entering a swollen vagina as a symbol for the simple task of placing a buckle around a thingy.

There will be no more food, booze, or drinks of any kind allowed on any US flights. Passengers are asked to binge before their flight, except for those suffering from irritable bowel syndrome, as the rectal examiners don’t want to be shit upon during inspections.

President George ‘Dubya’ Bush praised the FAA’s new policy as a necessity to keep America free. Said Bush: ‘All of this is being done, of course, to keep you, the American citizen, free from attacks on your person, allowing you to live your days as free as possible, as long as you do so in the privacy of your own home.’

In an act of solidarity, President Bush boarded Air Force One en route to Crawford, Texas completely naked after submitting to an anal cavity search from the biggest, burliest Secret Service agent he could find.

That makes this reporter smile.

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