Karr Not Ramsey’s Killer

“BOULDER, CO – The alleged murderer John Mark Karr, who confessed to killing six-year old JonBenet Ramsey a decade ago in a statement last week, has recently been acquitted of all possible wrongdoing by Boulder law enforcement officials, allegedly on the grounds of being a complete liar.

“”After the conclusion of a recent investigation our team has just completed, we have determined Karr is no more than a bold-faced liar,”” Boulder District Attorney Mary Lacy said to LushForLife.com correspondent Willy O’Keefe. “”This does not mean he isn’t a despicable, terrible person in the eyes of Boulder law enforcement, mind you. I’d like that to be perfectly clear and on the record.””

The investigation Boulder officials conducted, according to Lacy, was an extensive background check on Karr, as well as other suspicious weirdos and general backwoods, mountain-aged scum surrounding the greater Boulder, Colorado, area, not to mention the surrounding states of New Mexico, Nevada, and, worst of all, Utah. ‘Our investigation went to great lengths to find Mr. Karr guilty on all counts,’ Lacy said, ‘but unfortunately, this is not the case.’

Criminal investigator Bill Broussard, of New Orleans, Louisiana, offered his take on Karr’s once supposed guilt. ‘I knew all along he was lying. His entire name is only three syllables. That’s always a sure sign to a person in my line of work that you’re dealing with a lying bastard.’

Since the news of Karr’s acquittal broke, many other supposed culprits of Ramsey’s murder have begun to surface. Most notably, Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger.

’I want to tell you a secret,’ the youngest quarterback to ever lead his team to the Superbowl told LushForLife.com correspondent Arthur Rocks while both of them were receiving a full body massage in the Vietnamese massage parlor attached to the rear of Rocks’ home. ‘I killed JonBenet. I was only fourteen, but I tell you, she was smokin’!’

Roethlisberger spoke to Rocks and LushForLife.com on the condition of anonymity, but both the reporting and editing staff here at this news outlet doesn’t really care. We realize that by selling out a legitimate source we are compromising our collective journalistic integrity, but we hate Roethlisberger so much we are willing to make such a sacrifice.

There’s no doubt the LushForLife.com scoop of Roethlisberger’s alleged wrongdoing will cause both uproar among fans of the NFL’s golden boy, as well as investigators in Boulder.

’We’re already looking into our leads on Big Ben,’ District Attorney Lacy said to O’Keefe. According to Lacy, their investigators have already linked Roethlisberger to a hate crime involving a senior citizen in Denver in 1995, as well as an alleged account of a rape of an inner city, cocaine-addicted teen.

’Sometimes, even I’m amazed at how disturbed these perverts are,’ Broussard said. ‘With hardcore, testosterone-fiend football players, there’s no telling how deep the rabbit hole will go.’

All there is to do now is wait and see what evidence turns up. If a soiled garment or a bloody blouse bears eventually its face, LushForLife.com will be there bringing you all the news that’s not fit to print.

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