Jesus Schizophrenic

“BERKELY, CA – In a press release that could change the course of human history and destroy the belief structures of Christians everywhere, Jesus, also known as “”I Am”” revealed late Sunday that he has been diagnosed as a schizophrenic.

“”I don’t know much about the whole ‘psychology thing,’ but my shrink tells me that I have schizophrenia,”” said Jesus, in his typical common man vernacular, revealing to the world that he is indeed crazy. He did not take questions and promptly entered his blimp, returning to his near-constant orbit of sporting events.

Luckily for you, the reader, and, the news source, Jesus granted one exclusive interview to Arthur Rocks, super-correspondent and stay at home father.

After climbing a 20 meter rope ladder to the blimp, Rocks was subjected to a barrage of disinfecting processes before entering a clean room where he found Jesus sitting on a hot pink bean bag in the middle of a room surrounded by velvet images of Himself, Elvis, and his mother.

In the interview, Jesus revealed inner torment at the idea that God was not his father, saying, ‘I always believed mom when she said that God was my father. It seems that they felt it would affect me negatively if I found out that I was adopted.’

He went on to say, ‘I’ve always been regarded as a bit of a sage, I suppose. I hope that this doesn’t affect proponents of my philosophy too greatly. Maybe they will focus on the two things I actually said before I ascended (not to heaven like the book says, but rather in my blimp), love your neighbor and honour your God.’

When Jesus was asked how he had managed to stay not only alive, but also so young looking for so long, he replied, ‘Oh, yeah, the fountain of youth is not in Florida, but in Palestine. Unfortunately it was destroyed in 1956 by Israeli forces during the Seven Days War. Sorry.’

As for plans for the future Jesus said, ‘Well, I’ve accumulated quite a bit of money. 2,000 years of tithes really add up. I have to thank my business manager, Paul, for that one. I plan to spend my retirement circling the globe watching sporting events from my blimp. I have created a clean room to avoid contact with bacteria and viruses, namely the bird plague. I will stop answering prayers at the end of the year. I realize I’ve missed quite a few of those, by the way, so sorry; I am just one guy after all.’

Rocks was left in a hotel bar in Topeka, Kansas where he phoned the interview in to headquarters in Tampa.



Tags: ,

No comments yet.

Leave a Reply

“Men’s Health” Ranked Worst Magazine In The US

Tampa – With recent criticism for its nonsensical “Frown Town” article about the saddest cities in America, which placed St. […]

RIM To Release Crackberry Standard And Pro


This week has seen some of the most exciting developments in recent memory for many mobile phone journalists and enthusiasts. […]

“Tase Me, Bro!” Says Sadomasochistic USF Student

TAMPA, FL − University of South Florida student Jay Myers, 22, was arrested and Tasered on Monday night by University […]

Danny’s Sports Box

No Bull… To the delight of thousands of USF fans, the South Florida Bulls football team, which has entered only […]

Patriots Receive White House Support

FOXBORO, MA – The New England Patriots, after recent sanctions levied against them for spying on the New York Jets […]