Jesus and Liberal Bias

LUSHFORLIFE.COM HEADQUARTERS, TAMPA – When I began my tenure as a correspondent for LushForLife.com, I truly believed that I was working for the world’s second-least-biased news source. Having my repeated attempts to become a copywriter for Fox News thwarted by so-called lack of experience, I settled for a position here. Until the recent “”Jesus has Schizophrenia”” article, I donned my rainbow-colored glasses without thought to the fact that I have become a member of the liberal media.

I have taken my ritual boardroom beatings as a matter of order. I have also accepted the payment of Sam’s Club ramen, bulk Planter’s peanuts, and vats of orange Gatorade with promises of advancement. As I write this from my cot the in the broom closet in the basement of LushForLife.com Headquarters in Tampa, I am attempting to quell the vomit I can feel rising, not from my stomach but the very seat of my soul.

This debasement of everything my brothers in Christ have fought for, for centuries, shan’t go unnoticed. Rise with me, my Republican brothers, and help end the flagrant degradation of our ecclesiastical beliefs. I’m not speaking of a letter writing campaign. If comics of Muhammad can inspire region wide violence, let this inspire one of you lily-livered faggots to load up a rental truck with manure and drive down here to Tampa and blow this abomination of a news source from the earth. I would, but I’m contractually obligated to avoid sectarian violence, especially against news sources.

When I awoke early Wednesday morning after my morning prayer and brisk breakfast of peanuts and Gatorade, I was pleased as punch to check the weekly update of the website. I was given a day off due to a serious inflammation in my fingers from bacteria I encountered during my weekly janitorial duties. To my dismay, a wonderfully written (albeit woefully blasphemous) article about Jesus’ alleged mental state rose from the page like a wrath born straight from the fiery pits of hell itself. I fell off of my cot as I fought to quell my anger and write a somewhat well thought response to this filth.

Just because some hippy with funny scars in his wrists and feet that has lived for 2000 years says he is the same Jesus that is son of God and Mary, doesn’t mean he actually is. I know about 17 Johns off hand and at least 2 Chantelles. Much like the fossil records, layers of sediment, mathematical theorems, and dinosaur bones before him, this Jesus is obviously placed before us as a tool of Satan to drive the true believer from the Lord our God. Don’t be fooled, friends. It is our time to take this country back from the heathen, liberal, Jewish media. Rise with me and fight this oppression.

Actually, if you could, just blow up the East wing where most of the executive offices are. That will most certainly prove to the world that this, our United States of America, is truly a conservative Christian nation under God by leaving your brother in Christ unharmed, although a little rattled in the basement of this Factory of Lies.

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