Irene Rosenfeld Replaces General Peter Pace‘s own Gale Force tracked down Donald Rumsfeld with the aid of a compass and a dead rabbit, as bait, for this exclusive interview.

Gale Force: Secretary Rumsfeld. Thank you for your time. is very interested to hear why you have appointed a woman, with no military experience, as head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Donald Rumsfeld: No mystery there, Dr. Force. It’s this Israeli thing. We’ve woken up to how the enemy is thinking divergently, and we need to think even better than he does. We’re pale male, railroad track thinkers, so we found someone who is a real innovative thinker. We need someone is a step ahead of the enemy, not playing catch-up like we do now. Dr. Rosenfeld is that person. Kraft has accepted that their loss is our nation’s gain.

GF: Dr. Rosenfeld is Jewish, Secretary Rumsfeld. I believe Mel Gibson says that Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Aren’t you taking a bit of a chance here?

DR: The CIA assures me that this is not true, Dr. Force. They proved to me that, at the last count, there were 18 wars going on in Africa, and not one was caused by Jews. So he must have been drinking or something.

GF: Irene Rosenfeld knows a lot about the food industry. Do you see this helping her in her new position?

DR: Napoleon said that an army marches on its stomach. The president told me that ‘Yo’ Blair explained this. It means that it is important to feed the army well. President Bush thinks that women generally know a lot about feeding men, too, and this will be useful in places like Iraq where our troops are short of a lot of things? like armor. He says good food will be helpful. But the main thing is, she can think ahead and see what is coming, and we can’t.

GF: What does the President say about this ‘thinking ahead’ stuff?

DR: The President is generally not in favor of thinking ahead, but he is out of a job in two years. I’m still in, with a chance. You can’t blame a guy for looking out for himself.

GF: Any chance that the President will give the new Chief a neck rub in meetings?

DR: Well he is always good to the little ladies like that. He’s not sexist, though. I’m sure he’d be happy to give the generals and people like Putin neck rubs if they asked, but they don’t because their suit jackets are too thick. Merkel was just being weird. A lot of German women are actually lesbians.

GF: So Dr. Rosenfeld will find ways for our people to deal with new tactics from enemies who will attack USA bases using civilians as shields, who fight from underground tunnels, who fight from mobile bases in cities, or wage suicide and creative guerilla attacks on us from deep within city structures? And her secret weapons will be her brain, mind maps, and a thick suit jacket?

DR: If she can’t, we’ll ask Genentech for their CEO. Levinson’s next on the list.

GF: Is he also Jewish?

DR: You people are beginning to sound like Jon Stewart.



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