Iran Set To Spurn Deadlines

“NEW YORK – The United Nations International Library Council met, today, down by the East River side to discuss Iran’s continued pooh-poohing of international law governing library books. Iran is said to owe $8.6 million in overdue fees from libraries across the globe and have refused to pay the fees or even return the books.

“”The problem has gotten to the point where we can no longer sit back and allow international law to be ignored,”” UN Library inspector Hans Grooper told LushForLife.com in an exclusive telephone interview. “”Iran currently has almost three hundred copies of ‘The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy,’ and over a thousand copies of ‘Catcher in the Rye’ held up in and around Tehran. President Ahmadinejad has refused to allow inspectors into his country to catalogue or retrieve any of the 20,000 paperbacks, hardcovers, and periodicals they have been slowly collecting from member nations, and something now has to be done.””

Ahmadinejad is said to be a huge JD Salinger fan, and has a compulsion to buy a copy of “”The Catcher in the Rye”” every time he sees it. Sometimes, when he doesn’t see one for a few days, he has to actually go out and find one, just to feel normal. The renting of the library books began to spiral out of control in late 2002, when Ahmadinejad lent one of his beloved copies to a personal friend with the remark, “”God, this book is great!”” The comment was apparently misinterpreted to mean, “”God, says this book is great,”” and, as the news spread throughout Iran, drastic shortages of Salinger’s tale of youthful misadventure opened up a massive black market supplied by what senior White House staff are calling Literary-Terrorists. The ‘The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’ market blew wide open early in 2003 when a top Muslim Cleric revealed on a local movie review television show that he “”really didn’t like the movie as much as the book, which was amazing. Everyone should read it at least 42 times in their life.””

The proposal being drafted by the UN will attempt to invoke library card sanctions on Tehran and, if necessary, send in a peacekeeping force to remove the glasses of far-sighted offenders. Netflix.com, the popular online video rental site, has petitioned the UN to include a clause addressing the refusal of the Iranian government to return their copies of Throw Momma from the Train, but the United Nations is holding out. Political insiders are speculating that the UN is unwilling to comply with Netflix.com‘s request because of a failed resolution from 1987 that attempted to ban Danny DeVito from ever directing again.

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