Celestial Uproar

“PRAGUE – In a shocking announcement, Thursday, the International Astronomical Union demoted the ninth planet, Pluto, to the lowly status of “”dwarf planet””. For 76 years, the small chunk of rock and ice with the wobbly orbit was part of the prestigious planetary club, but has now been knocked from it’s dizzying heights and dropped to a second class citizen of the solar system. Besides the slap in the face to all life forms who may or may not live on the lonely asteroid, the demotion has sent waves of anger and horror throughout more than one lamenting community.

At the top of the list of mourners is the Walt Disney Company. Disney filed legal action early Friday morning against the International Astronomical Union, demanding the reinstatement of the planetary status of the celestial body Mickey and Minnie’s beloved pet was named for. Disney is claiming copyright infringement against the IAU, saying they are dragging the name of a beloved icon through the mud. And if there is one thing you should never do is take on Disney in a copyright battle, but Disney is not the only organization initiating legal action against the AIU.

Both the Little People of America (LPA), a nonprofit organization that provides support and information to people of short stature and their families, and the Olympians of North America (ONA) are seeking an injunction to halt the demotion of Pluto. The LPA’s lawsuit will focus on the term “”dwarf planet””, which they believe is derogatory and offensive to other small planets. The injunction will attempt to have the astrological phrase changed to “”little planet”” and seek punitive damages in excess of 2.5 million dollars. The other suit, People vs The AIU, is being filed by the ACLU, representing the Olympians of North America. The ONA is a non-tax-exempt religious organization that worships Roman gods and goddesses. ACLU spokesperson Ana S. Shat said yesterday in a press conference, “”This is exactly the kind of thoughtlessness that we have come to expect from Christian dominated organizations everywhere. These people make decisions that affect people with beliefs that are just as legitimate and kooky as Christianity and someone needs to stand up for them.””

Though the controversy rages, not everyone is upset about the new status of Pluto. Hollywood superstar and stereotypical African-American Eddie Murphy said Friday, “”Man, I am glad that bitch is getting renamed. Every-time people hear dat name they think about Pluto Nash, and MAN, I don’t want anyone thinking about that movie. With that mutherfucka gone, maybe I can finally get my career back!”” Planet X Spokesperson and full time conspiracy theorist C. Carl Kent told LushForLife.com in a telephone interview, “”This is simply wonderful news. With that little piece of crap finally out of the way, now is the time for people to start thinking about Planet X as a viable alternative. We’ve been waiting in the wings for years for this opportunity to pounce and now the time is nigh! Look out universe, here we come!””

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