Average American Deemed ‘Not Special’

METROPOLIS – The average American citizen does not have superpowers, latent or otherwise, rebuffing the slew of television shows, films, and fictional accounts to the contrary. As a matter of fact, studies show that the average American citizen is just that: average.


No matter what they tell us about hopes and dreams coming true, most of them will not.


Inspirational films, such as Rudy, and programs that showcase ordinary, everyday people discovering that they have powers beyond their wildest dreams, like the new television show Heroes, have all proved to be unattainable fantasies to Joe America.


Much like the backlash that hit the modeling industry that has for years portrayed beauty as the impossible five-foot-nine ninety-pound cover girl, visions of grandeur are now being spoken of as delusions of it.


“I had a really shitty life,” one anonymous teenager told LushForLife.com correspondent Willy O’Keefe. “I thought that one day, if I just toughed it out, I would discover that I had a really cool superpower, like flying or telepathy, or maybe even x-ray vision. Now, though, I know that I am just an ordinary loser, and am going to commit suicide next Wednesday.”


The findings of normalcy come after a twenty-four month study performed by Rice University that was begun as result of a record-breaking number of students (472) jumping off bridges under the illusion that they could fly.


Despite toxicology reports that indicated that most of the students were intoxicated on the illegal substance PCP, one concerned parent brought her fight to the steps of the White House, garnering the attention of George “Dubya” Bush during one of his daily lawn walks with first canine Barney.


“I think it’s disturbing, I do,” Bush said on his Saturday radio address. “It’s one thing for our freedom to be threatened by al-Qaeda, Iran, Iraq, and North Korea, but now to know that our average American is incapable of miraculously developing superpowers, like flying or telepathy, or maybe even x-ray vision… that’s just plain un-American.”


To quell this atrocity, Bush is commissioning a special panel to investigate and rebuff Rice University’s findings and reassure all Americans that the improbable, no matter how unlikely, is completely possible and should, indeed, be considered probable.



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